(no subject)

[jltinkerbell]

Today was probably the hardest day of my life. I haven't talked or seen my dad since my mom told me about the cancer. Today I decided I was ok to go over there. I talked to my mom for a while and then went over to the other house to be with my dad. It was so weird, I mean, all we did was sit around and watch TV. I picked matt up from school then got us starbucks and we just talked. I didn't cry, I refused too. But my dad confided in me in ways that I knew he hadn't with my brothers and maybe even my mom. He told me things he wanted said at his funeral, songs he wanted played, even the coffin he wanted. (he wants it painted electric blue with the superman symbol on top). It was just so hard and depressing for me. I can just tell he wants someone around. he's been in the house for two months doing nothing and he can't sleep at all. He was telling me to come over late at night if I can't sleep, just to watch TV, just to hang out. And I HATED leaving for work. He wanted me to call in, I could just tell he didn't want to be alone. My mom has thrown herself into putting the houses back together and trying to sell whichever one will sell first, peter is a wreck, and I think that they haven't told matt. My dad said he loved having me there and he loved being able to talk to me without me "blubbering" and being all crying like everyone else has. Boy, talk about pressure. So now I"m supposed to be the rock. I'm supposed to be the strong one. Everyone knows how emotional I am. I was determined to be strong for my dad but the SECOND I got in the car I started bawling. I cried harder then ever on my way to work and I got to work and I was a mess. I just don't know. This whole thing is horrible. I think I'm going to move back home just so I can be with him. Just so I can wake up and watch TV with him and come home from work and keep him company. Plus I want to help out my mom. I think that Pete wants to move back and if we both do and help out then hopefully they'll at least be able to keep one house. That would make things so much easier. But I wish my dad would just stop talking about death. He's 48 and we just found out he has cancer. The biopsy is monday, everything  could be ok right?

It's crazy how suddenly your perspective changes. Nothing is important anymore besides my family and I've never been that way and I'm almost ashamed to admit that. Now I'm ready to trade in my car for a not so great one just so I can have a lower payment and lower insurance so I can help out my parents.

Thanks to everyone who posted and prayed. I know I didn't response but believe me, I read them all and I appreciate every single response. I'm lucky to have so many people around me who care. thank you