JJ's Guide to Commenting on My Body Art
I am a librarian, and work in a very public-services centered position at my library, which means the majority of my day is spent helping patrons. I have two regularly visible tattoos, and now that it's warmer weather, the larger and more colorful one is getting more attention. I wish very much that I could hand this guide out to patrons who make me uncomfortable with their awkward approach to something that is on my body, but I can't, so I'm sharing it with you instead.
1. When in doubt, compliment.
This is a pretty easy thing to do. All you have to say is, "I like your tattoos!" You'll make me smile and we'll have a normal, pleasant social interaction.
2. Don't point out my tattoos without following your observation with a compliment.
Unless you are a small child or a cheeky teenager, "Look! You have tattoos!" is always awkward, and borderline rude unless you say something nice about the tattoos afterward. It's sort of like saying, "Look! You have brown hair!" Or, because not everyone has tattoos, it's more like, "Look! You dye your hair!" There's also no good response for me to give you except, "Yes, I do!" which is problematic, because I can't tell if you're pointing them out because you like them, because you find them unusual in a negative way, or because you're just a crazy person. Then we both feel weird.
3. Think before asking me to show you the part of my tattoo that is hidden by my shirt sleeve.
Would you ask me to step back so you could see my whole outfit? Or turn around so you could see how my hair looks from the back? You're asking to see a part of my body, and despite the fact that part of it is visible to you, I am not giving you tacit permission to see the rest.
I get asked this often, and I almost always agree to show someone when they ask, because, as invasive a question as it sometimes is, there is no polite way for me to say no, especially not when I am at work. I don't really want to show a stranger my bare shoulder at the reference desk. It makes me feel uncomfortably exposed, and the object of someone's appraising gaze while I'm at work. But I have yet to master the tactful answer that doesn't push away patron who is going to need to ask me a library-related question later. I really don't mind when I get asked this question while I was out on a walk, or in the coffee shop or something, but there's a weird service dynamic when it happens at work and I haven't figured out how to politely refuse.
3b. If you want to show me your tattoos, think about where we both are.
There are other people around who are going to notice that you are showing me parts of your body - parts that are most likely hidden by some sort of clothing which you have to adjust to show me the hidden part. I appreciate that we are both in the Tattoo Club, but we don't really know each other, and certainly none of the patrons over by the computers know either of us well enough for anyone to be showing anyone any part of our bodies, even a seemingly innocuous part.
4. Do not, under any circumstances, say something that could be considered judgmental, either about my tattoos or tattoos in general.
It is not socially acceptable to make negative and/or judgmental comments about a person's appearance to that person. Most people are instinctively aware of this, and will not make a comment about my hair, or my clothing, or my weight or any visible part of my appearance unless they are telling me a compliment. However, those same people will still think that it's ok to make a negative comment about my tattoos.
I am not sure why this is, but I suspect it has something to do with tattoos being something I added to my body, something both deliberate and publicly visible, that makes a stranger think that it's acceptable to say something negative about body art, or mine in particular. Maybe it's the fact that they don't think what they're saying is negative, hurtful, or offensive? I am always baffled when it happens, and wish people would be more thoughtful about the things that they say.
5. Please ask where I got my tattoos! I would love to recommend my tattoo artist.
5a. It's ok to ask if it hurt, but you pretty much already know the answer.
I don't mind this question as much as other people seem to, because it reads as harmless curiosity; the person asking doesn't dislike tattoos, they dislike pain, so they want to know how I endured it. It's ok to ask how long it took, too, because that shows me you understand something about tattoos, or at least that you recognize that someone put a lot of work into my body art, and I appreciate that acknowledgment.
6. Don't say, "I didn't know librarians had tattoos."
Again, unless you are small child or a cheeky teenager - and if you're a teenager, you're going to get a little speech about how librarians are cool - this is a rude and inappropriate statement. First, it tells me you ascribe to a very stereotypical view of librarians, which is problematic in many ways. Second, you are pointing out to me that I don't fit into your view of the way things should be, which means I am "wrong." Finally, there's implied - and sometimes not so implied depending on your tone - judgment of what you are observing on my body. Please see Rule 4.
6a. Similarly, don't say, "You don't seem like the sort of girl who has tattoos."
That statement implies you know what sort of girl I am, that I should be a certain type of girl, that a girl like me has done something inappropriate to me body, and that you are the one who decides what I should and should not do to my body. It's a whole mess of crossed boundaries.
7. 'What does it mean?' isn't necessarily a bad question.
That is, assuming you're asking about its personal significance to me, and not whether or not it means I've been in jail, or that my tattoo has some cultural or religious connotation. However, you should remember that we are strangers, and my tattoo might be personal in meaning, so it would then be a potentially invasive question. Also, you are implying it has to have some meaning and that the meaning should be explicable to a stranger. You wouldn't ask why I wore a orange top, but you might ask if a friend knit my sweater; the latter would be a great question to ask where the former would be really bizarre. So, think about the manner you're asking - and consider that we are in public, I am at work, and we don't know each other. If you think that, just because I have a tattoo, it means it's ok for you to ask me about it, then you should re-think your question.
8. It's worth saying again: when in doubt, compliment.
If you feel compelled to say something about my body art - or if you've been looking long enough that it's getting weird that you aren't saying anything - just tell me you like it. I'm not ever going to get tired of hearing that.
1. When in doubt, compliment.
This is a pretty easy thing to do. All you have to say is, "I like your tattoos!" You'll make me smile and we'll have a normal, pleasant social interaction.
2. Don't point out my tattoos without following your observation with a compliment.
Unless you are a small child or a cheeky teenager, "Look! You have tattoos!" is always awkward, and borderline rude unless you say something nice about the tattoos afterward. It's sort of like saying, "Look! You have brown hair!" Or, because not everyone has tattoos, it's more like, "Look! You dye your hair!" There's also no good response for me to give you except, "Yes, I do!" which is problematic, because I can't tell if you're pointing them out because you like them, because you find them unusual in a negative way, or because you're just a crazy person. Then we both feel weird.
3. Think before asking me to show you the part of my tattoo that is hidden by my shirt sleeve.
Would you ask me to step back so you could see my whole outfit? Or turn around so you could see how my hair looks from the back? You're asking to see a part of my body, and despite the fact that part of it is visible to you, I am not giving you tacit permission to see the rest.
I get asked this often, and I almost always agree to show someone when they ask, because, as invasive a question as it sometimes is, there is no polite way for me to say no, especially not when I am at work. I don't really want to show a stranger my bare shoulder at the reference desk. It makes me feel uncomfortably exposed, and the object of someone's appraising gaze while I'm at work. But I have yet to master the tactful answer that doesn't push away patron who is going to need to ask me a library-related question later. I really don't mind when I get asked this question while I was out on a walk, or in the coffee shop or something, but there's a weird service dynamic when it happens at work and I haven't figured out how to politely refuse.
3b. If you want to show me your tattoos, think about where we both are.
There are other people around who are going to notice that you are showing me parts of your body - parts that are most likely hidden by some sort of clothing which you have to adjust to show me the hidden part. I appreciate that we are both in the Tattoo Club, but we don't really know each other, and certainly none of the patrons over by the computers know either of us well enough for anyone to be showing anyone any part of our bodies, even a seemingly innocuous part.
4. Do not, under any circumstances, say something that could be considered judgmental, either about my tattoos or tattoos in general.
It is not socially acceptable to make negative and/or judgmental comments about a person's appearance to that person. Most people are instinctively aware of this, and will not make a comment about my hair, or my clothing, or my weight or any visible part of my appearance unless they are telling me a compliment. However, those same people will still think that it's ok to make a negative comment about my tattoos.
I am not sure why this is, but I suspect it has something to do with tattoos being something I added to my body, something both deliberate and publicly visible, that makes a stranger think that it's acceptable to say something negative about body art, or mine in particular. Maybe it's the fact that they don't think what they're saying is negative, hurtful, or offensive? I am always baffled when it happens, and wish people would be more thoughtful about the things that they say.
5. Please ask where I got my tattoos! I would love to recommend my tattoo artist.
5a. It's ok to ask if it hurt, but you pretty much already know the answer.
I don't mind this question as much as other people seem to, because it reads as harmless curiosity; the person asking doesn't dislike tattoos, they dislike pain, so they want to know how I endured it. It's ok to ask how long it took, too, because that shows me you understand something about tattoos, or at least that you recognize that someone put a lot of work into my body art, and I appreciate that acknowledgment.
6. Don't say, "I didn't know librarians had tattoos."
Again, unless you are small child or a cheeky teenager - and if you're a teenager, you're going to get a little speech about how librarians are cool - this is a rude and inappropriate statement. First, it tells me you ascribe to a very stereotypical view of librarians, which is problematic in many ways. Second, you are pointing out to me that I don't fit into your view of the way things should be, which means I am "wrong." Finally, there's implied - and sometimes not so implied depending on your tone - judgment of what you are observing on my body. Please see Rule 4.
6a. Similarly, don't say, "You don't seem like the sort of girl who has tattoos."
That statement implies you know what sort of girl I am, that I should be a certain type of girl, that a girl like me has done something inappropriate to me body, and that you are the one who decides what I should and should not do to my body. It's a whole mess of crossed boundaries.
7. 'What does it mean?' isn't necessarily a bad question.
That is, assuming you're asking about its personal significance to me, and not whether or not it means I've been in jail, or that my tattoo has some cultural or religious connotation. However, you should remember that we are strangers, and my tattoo might be personal in meaning, so it would then be a potentially invasive question. Also, you are implying it has to have some meaning and that the meaning should be explicable to a stranger. You wouldn't ask why I wore a orange top, but you might ask if a friend knit my sweater; the latter would be a great question to ask where the former would be really bizarre. So, think about the manner you're asking - and consider that we are in public, I am at work, and we don't know each other. If you think that, just because I have a tattoo, it means it's ok for you to ask me about it, then you should re-think your question.
8. It's worth saying again: when in doubt, compliment.
If you feel compelled to say something about my body art - or if you've been looking long enough that it's getting weird that you aren't saying anything - just tell me you like it. I'm not ever going to get tired of hearing that.