(no subject)
Have you ever felt totally stupid...like nothing you do is right or up to snuff. My boyfriend makes me feel stupid in a lame attempt to soothe his hurt ego because the district that didn't want him hired me and is paying me $39,000 for my first year teaching. He still doesn't have a job. I look at people's myspace pages, a way to catch up with them without having to talk to them. Some of them weren't my favorite people and while I don't wish that they haven't succeeded in what they have tried to do, it does make me feel better when they haven't succeeded as planned. In most cases, however, they seem to have done just fine. It makes me feel like I haven't. Like somehow I still don't measure up to all these people who I knew in high school and haven't seen since graduation. Its stupid that these old insecurities still manage to find me 5 years later, but they do. Its a funny paradox that I spent high school trying to hide the fact that I knew the answer and that I got good grades and was skinny and that my teachers happened to like me when I really felt so inferior to every single person I went to school with (with whom I went to school to be grammatically correct). When you feel ashamed of your accomplishments its easy for people to dismiss them I guess. You downplay them so everyone else does too. I don't know why its still such a big deal, but it haunts me to this day. Stupid insecurity.
It doesn't feel like summer. Its been raining. Not helping my mood. We're moving and I got my letter of intent so its quasi official but I feel like I can't be excited or too happy about it because it makes Bogie feel bad. Reminds me of high school...and I hate that. It took me years to learn how to not be ashamed and here we are again. With my boyfriend no less who is supposed to love and support me no matter what. It hurts me that I feel like I'm hurting him just by reminding him of what went wrong. Just by being me I'm rubbing it in his face. Its not my fault that he lost his job and its not my fault that he hasn't found another one yet. Its not my fault that I'm good at what I do. I shouldn't have to apologize for that...ever. It definitely does not feel like summer right now...I like summer. I don't like now. I don't like moving and packing and fighting and being stressed and walking on eggshells and feeling ashamed. Makes me feel disgusted and disgusting. yuck
It doesn't feel like summer. Its been raining. Not helping my mood. We're moving and I got my letter of intent so its quasi official but I feel like I can't be excited or too happy about it because it makes Bogie feel bad. Reminds me of high school...and I hate that. It took me years to learn how to not be ashamed and here we are again. With my boyfriend no less who is supposed to love and support me no matter what. It hurts me that I feel like I'm hurting him just by reminding him of what went wrong. Just by being me I'm rubbing it in his face. Its not my fault that he lost his job and its not my fault that he hasn't found another one yet. Its not my fault that I'm good at what I do. I shouldn't have to apologize for that...ever. It definitely does not feel like summer right now...I like summer. I don't like now. I don't like moving and packing and fighting and being stressed and walking on eggshells and feeling ashamed. Makes me feel disgusted and disgusting. yuck