drift away
Day after day I'm more confused
So I look for the light in the pouring rain
You know that's a game that I hate to lose
I'm feelin' the strain, ain't it a shame
Oh, give me the beat, boys, and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away
Oh, give me the beat, boys, and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away
Beginning to think that I'm wastin' time
I don't understand the things I do
The world outside looks so unkind
I'm countin' on you to carry me through
The lyrics are really all I need to post here. I am so confused. Things are upside down, and theres nothing I can do to make them right side up again. It literally really feels like for the first time ever there may really actually be absolutely positively NOTHING that I can do. I don't know how to deal with that. Things have never been this out of whack. I mean you're talking to someone who had the biggest crush ever on a guy who showed absolutely zero interest for the most part and somehow I kept finding things to do about that disaster for 7 years. Granted those things made it worse, but the act of doing SOMETHING made me feel better. I just want to drift away because nothing here holds any interest at the moment. I want to go to another place or another time or something. Funny how the thought of going to my reunion makes me feel relaxed and happy. It doesn't seem like one of those things you should be excited to go to. But I'm excited because it will represent a time in my life when I could do anything. A time in my life when I desperately wanted to do something, not anything. Having the whole world at your feet is scary, but at least in high school I had the illusion that I would be welcomed into the real world. I had the illusion that anything was possible and that I really would do something someday that would make a real contribution. At the same time I didn't know when or where or how or why, but for the most part I was hopeful. When I graduated high school I would have loved to have one door open for me. Not five, or six, or every door in the world. Just one. Now it seems that doors are closing all around me. One always seems to stay ajar, but the rest slam shut one by one right in my face. Be careful what you wish for. You just might regret it later. I don't know if I'm making sense. I don't know if I care. I just want to rid my mind of the confusion, of the pain caused by involunary helplessness. I want to give up. I do. And I say I'm going to. And then someone calls. Or someone ims me. Or someone stops yelling at me long enough to realize that what I really want to hear is that it will all be ok. My cat cuddles up next to me. My horse perks up just because he sees me coming down the driveway. The worst discipline problem ever squished into a six year old body comes up to me willingly just to smile and say hi and ask me how I am because I didn't work with her today and to ask for my help anyway. She has the kind of smile that makes your heart melt. She has the kind of life that makes your heart break. She makes it worth it. I guess I just can't let it die. That stupid candle that I referenced a lot at umass, that fire that Jack loved about Rose, that crazy optimism that people (at least one person) liked about me...it just won't die. At least tonight it won't. Tomorrow is another day...
So I look for the light in the pouring rain
You know that's a game that I hate to lose
I'm feelin' the strain, ain't it a shame
Oh, give me the beat, boys, and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away
Oh, give me the beat, boys, and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away
Beginning to think that I'm wastin' time
I don't understand the things I do
The world outside looks so unkind
I'm countin' on you to carry me through
The lyrics are really all I need to post here. I am so confused. Things are upside down, and theres nothing I can do to make them right side up again. It literally really feels like for the first time ever there may really actually be absolutely positively NOTHING that I can do. I don't know how to deal with that. Things have never been this out of whack. I mean you're talking to someone who had the biggest crush ever on a guy who showed absolutely zero interest for the most part and somehow I kept finding things to do about that disaster for 7 years. Granted those things made it worse, but the act of doing SOMETHING made me feel better. I just want to drift away because nothing here holds any interest at the moment. I want to go to another place or another time or something. Funny how the thought of going to my reunion makes me feel relaxed and happy. It doesn't seem like one of those things you should be excited to go to. But I'm excited because it will represent a time in my life when I could do anything. A time in my life when I desperately wanted to do something, not anything. Having the whole world at your feet is scary, but at least in high school I had the illusion that I would be welcomed into the real world. I had the illusion that anything was possible and that I really would do something someday that would make a real contribution. At the same time I didn't know when or where or how or why, but for the most part I was hopeful. When I graduated high school I would have loved to have one door open for me. Not five, or six, or every door in the world. Just one. Now it seems that doors are closing all around me. One always seems to stay ajar, but the rest slam shut one by one right in my face. Be careful what you wish for. You just might regret it later. I don't know if I'm making sense. I don't know if I care. I just want to rid my mind of the confusion, of the pain caused by involunary helplessness. I want to give up. I do. And I say I'm going to. And then someone calls. Or someone ims me. Or someone stops yelling at me long enough to realize that what I really want to hear is that it will all be ok. My cat cuddles up next to me. My horse perks up just because he sees me coming down the driveway. The worst discipline problem ever squished into a six year old body comes up to me willingly just to smile and say hi and ask me how I am because I didn't work with her today and to ask for my help anyway. She has the kind of smile that makes your heart melt. She has the kind of life that makes your heart break. She makes it worth it. I guess I just can't let it die. That stupid candle that I referenced a lot at umass, that fire that Jack loved about Rose, that crazy optimism that people (at least one person) liked about me...it just won't die. At least tonight it won't. Tomorrow is another day...