Fanfic: Game Over or Continue - Chap 11
Title: "Game Over or Continue - Chap 11: 11th Level"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...
Notes: Based on the idea that there can't be a heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Thanks: To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this...
There were four more ‘prank calls’ before Seishiro-san phoned the telephone company again to ask them, in the calm and polite tone he generally reserved for those targets he was about to kill in an excruciatingly painful way, which unfortunate soul who had given away their number when he had _specifically_ requested for it to not be made public. When, to his great disappointment, the telephone company admitted they couldn’t help him, he politely instructed them to change the number again and not let it spread around _this time_. Or there might be _unpleasant_ repercussions. He didn’t detail of what they would consist but even people unaware of his role as Sakurazukamori could make a polite guess. Yes, although during the entire phone call Seishiro-san had always used a very polite and very friendly tone, Subaru was sure one didn’t need to know what he did for a living to experience a slight feeling of _total and utter terror_ slip inside him and never let go of him until he’d done _exactly_ what Seishiro-san had requested.
It was Seishiro-san’s special skill, Subaru guessed, to scare people to death while being at the same time extremely polite. He wondered if it was an innate gift or a skill Seishiro-san had mastered. Not that it mattered, he thought as he sighed unhappily.
He had watched Seishiro-san dealing with the problem of the phone line from the couch, not daring to utter a word, feeling rather useless and hating it. In the past days Seishiro-san had been the only one who answered the phone, apparently, their prank caller had always stopped the call as soon as he heard Seishiro-san’s voice. Seishiro-san hadn’t appreciated it, to say the least.
Subaru hadn’t tried to answer to the phone because he had been kind of not allowed to pick up the phone. Actually Seishiro-san hadn’t forbidden it; he had just told Subaru not to do it because he would take care of it, which for Subaru was as good as an order. To be honest, Subaru didn’t really want to have to take another phone call and discover it was like ‘that one’. Ever again. One time had been more than enough for him. He really wasn’t up to repeating the experience.
However… he couldn’t stop thinking of the phone calls. They scared and confused him at the same time.
For starters… how did the caller know their number in the first place?
He was absolutely sure that Seishiro-san’s number was unlisted. The house he was in was also the Sakurazukamori’s secret hideout after all. People close to them, like Hokuto-chan for example, might have it but he doubted someone else would. He wasn’t even sure Seishiro would use that number for his work… so how could those weird phone calls have started in the first place?
Maybe… maybe someone had dialled that number by accident and had kept on doing it just for the pleasure of annoying them… but…
Seishiro-san had the number changed.
Even if the first time the caller had managed to get it from someone that knew it or had dialled it by coincidence, how did he manage to track it down again? How? He had no idea.
His mind went back to the time he had picked up the phone.
‘Who are you?’
‘Subaru.’
‘You’re not him. Don’t even try to lie about this.’
‘I’m Subaru, Sumeragi Subaru.’
‘Sumeragi Subaru’s dead. Who are you? Impostor! Liar! Who are you? Who the hell are you?’
He shuddered at the memory. In that moment it hadn’t been a particularly pleasurable experience to be informed he was dead. Maybe he could have appreciated it previously, when he thought Seishiro-san was dead and Hokuto-chan too but now… now that they were alive and Seishiro-san was being so kind with him and everything was going sort of well… he… he didn’t really want to be dead… Seishiro-san had said he wasn’t, so the voice had to be lying, right?
He swallowed, refusing to think Seishiro-san might have lied to him again and the voice could be right. He really wasn’t up for that.
He tried to focus solely on his memory of the voice. Somehow it had seemed familiar and yet… he couldn’t place it, he couldn’t recognize it, as if it had been distorted.
But who would bother to distort his voice to make all those prank calls? And who would make them in the first place? Why? Was it something done to hurt him? Seishiro-san? Both of them?
Something inside him rebelled at the idea someone might want to hurt Seishiro-san, rebelled with a mix of determination and desperation.
No one was allowed to hurt Seishiro-san. No one.
Never again would anyone hurt Seishiro-san. Never again.
He… he could still feel the smell of blood on his hands… Seishiro-san’s blood, the warmth fading from the man’s body as his life slipped away while Subaru could only watch… could only watch…
In order to keep Seishiro-san alive… he was willing to sacrifice everything else. To protect Seishiro-san… he was willing to do anything.
This time… this time he wouldn’t let anything happen to him, he thought darkly, a cold determination setting in his heart.
No one would hurt Seishiro-san. No one.
Even if… even if…
“Has Obaachan got this number?” he asked quietly when Seishiro-san put down the phone receiver, looking none too pleased. Subaru… he didn’t want to think his grandmother… or someone from his Ichimon for that matter… could be behind those calls but… but…
Seishiro-san studied him before answering reluctantly.
“She had the fax number only, though I guess you’ll have to inform her about the new one sooner or later. Better later though. Back when we moved here she wasn’t exactly pleased about us living together. She likely didn’t look forward to risk talking to me, in case I picked up the phone instead of you, and, although she still doesn’t know what I do for a living, I think she has her own suspicions. So she contented herself with having our fax number and sending you the details for your work through faxes… waiting for you to call her if something wasn’t clear. Subaru… you’re not planning to go back to work, are you?” he asked, frowning slightly. Honestly Subaru hadn’t thought about that but now that Seishiro-san mentioned it…
“Well… sooner or later I…” he began to say hesitantly. He didn’t really want to resume working, he really didn’t feel up to it but… but it was what his duties toward his Ichimon required so…
Seishiro-san knelt down right in front of him, almost between his legs, and took his hands into his. Subaru looked at him nervously, not knowing what to expect.
“Subaru, listen. I know you’re a great Onmyouji, that you have duties and responsibilities and all that stuff but… you’re not well yet and really, you’ve already done your share for your Ichimon. I have money enough for us both so you really shouldn’t…”
“But it wouldn’t be fair!” Subaru exclaimed before the man could finish. He was already being a burden to Seishiro-san and he figured that, with his actions, he had been a source of trouble for his family too. They were nowhere as important as Seishiro-san but still…
Seishiro-san rested his head on one of Subaru’s legs and nuzzled against it, looking up at Subaru and Subaru somehow felt totally helpless in face of that display, as if he was absolutely unable to deny to the man anything he asked for. He wondered if Seishiro-san knew the effect he had on him.
Probably, and he was using it to his advantage.
Subaru wished he could get angry but all he wanted to do was to give in and cuddle and fuss over him. Not that he really knew how to do it.
Hesitantly he moved his hand to caress the man’s hair and Seishiro-san made a small sound of pleasure at that, kind of like a purr as he moved closer to Subaru, causing Subaru’s heart to beat faster as a warm sensation spread inside him as he allowed himself to enjoy that situation and he refused to think of anything else but of the fact they were together.
Slowly Seishiro-san moved in between Subaru’s legs and hugged the boy’s waist, resting his head against Subaru’s stomach. It felt slightly embarrassing but nice, Subaru realized as he hesitantly continued to caress him, his hand now also shyly moving to stroke the man’s back. He felt happy… as happy as he hadn’t believed he could be… and he was tempted to cry about this. He wasn’t really sure when they both moved to lie down on the couch, well, technically Seishiro-san was the one that was lying on the couch while Subaru was draped over him, still just hugging, caressing and snuggling against each other. It felt even nicer when Seishiro-san started kissing the top of his head, in that weird way Seishiro-san kissed him, that was gentle and slow, yet made Subaru feel all weird inside in a way that was pleasant and embarrassing at the same time. He liked it though, although he wasn’t capable of admitting it as he instinctively nuzzled against the man, unconsciously seeking more contact. He felt Seishiro-san resting his hand against his cheek gently, stroking it with his thumb before slowly making Subaru turn his face toward the man. Subaru blinked, confused, but Seishiro-san just smiled before moving closer and… kissing him gently on his lips.
He froze, unable to move, unable to decide what he should do, unable to remember what he was supposed to do… if he had ever known what to do in such situation. The man just… had never kissed him on his lips. Forehead, cheeks, neck, hands, even shoulders and chest but… never lips. Maybe it was merely due to Hokuto-chan’s influence but… but being kissed like that felt… felt important, felt far more meaningful than any other kiss he had received… though probably it was just him, probably it meant nothing to Seishiro-san, even though it was such a sweet kiss, so very tender and loving… and it ended way too soon for Subaru’s liking.
However, when they parted, Subaru could only stare at the man with a mix of longing and fear of being rejected, not knowing what to say, lips still slightly open. There were so many questions swarming in his head, the main one being if what had happened had a meaning for Seishiro-san, one that wasn’t merely tied to carnal wishes but to… to deeper feelings but… but he couldn’t voice them, he could only look at the man, waiting for Seishiro-san to say something, anything.
Seishiro-san instead simply kissed him again, deeper this time, and Subaru found himself automatically clinging to him, refusing to let go.
‘I don’t really want to know if you’re kissing me out of love or out of lust,’ he found himself thinking. ‘I merely don’t want this to end; I merely don’t want to lose you again. If I’m deluding myself again… that’s fine as long as I’m allowed to stay with you.’
He was being pathetic, a cruel voice in his mind whispered but he ignored it as Seishiro-san tightened his grip around him, turning the kiss into something more… intense, more passionate, almost desperate, that made Subaru unable to focus on anything else but that kiss. He… he felt like he had waited a lifetime for it, half of which spent without even being sure about what he was waiting for, as naïve as he had been, and the other half in the knowledge that moment would never come, that all his hopes had been crushed and now that it was actually happening he just… didn’t want it to stop, didn’t want the moment to end.
He couldn’t know Seishiro too had been waiting for that moment, even if only since the day of Subaru’s injury and even though Seishiro had already lived the experience of kissing him more than once and had none of Subaru’s dark ghosts haunting him he too had been… concerned about the idea things might not go back to the way they had been before… though maybe his concerns were unfounded. It seemed his Subaru was merely a little confused and needed to get used to how things were… but he really didn’t look like he was adverse to continuing to live with him… and, although a completely innocent Subaru forced him to move at a slow pace, he couldn’t help but find Subaru as alluring as he had been when he had been younger, he decided as he smiled into the kiss. He parted from him, just to catch a glimpse of confused and slightly dazed green eyes before kissing him again, his fingers trailing on Subaru’s back and through his hair until one of his hands tried to move under Subaru’s shirt.
It didn’t quite lead to the reaction he wanted as Subaru tensed, parting from him abruptly, turning his head away and lowering it. He didn’t seem angry though, just… afraid and sort of confused and embarrassed. And so terribly cute…
He smiled as he rested his hand on Subaru’s cheek, careful to be reassuring and not to scare him further.
“Sorry, I got too fast, didn’t I?” he offered, his other arm still loosely wrapped around him so that Subaru wouldn’t feel trapped. Subaru just chewed his lower lip nervously, without daring to look at him, then, slowly, shook his head.
“It’s not that… It was nice… It’s just… It was just… unexpected… I mean… I mean…” Subaru babbled, his voice quivering slightly. He didn’t really resist when Seishiro-san pulled him closer, allowing himself to lean against the man again, although he was still tense, his breathing hurried. He felt gentle fingers stroking his back, his hair in a soothing manner and felt some of the tension leaving him, though the same couldn’t be said for his self-loathing. It was useless, he didn’t know how to do this, he was just too nervous, too afraid to mess up, too afraid to…
“It’s okay. My bad. I was the one startling you. You did nothing wrong,” Seishiro assured him, trying to soothe Subaru’s fears. Somehow his amnesia had made Subaru even more nervous about any form of intimacy than he had been previously… though there’s to say Subaru didn’t remember all the time Seishiro had spent trying to help him get used to it, right from day one. He felt Subaru’s muscles relax slightly as the boy rested his head against his shoulder, his breathing slowing down slightly. “It’s okay, Subaru, really. You’ve nothing to worry about,” he repeated gently, softly, speaking to him as he would do to a little kid.
“It’s just… it’s just I… I mean… I…” ‘I’m so confused… I can’t remember at all how things worked in this world, I can’t remember us having this sort of intimacy, doing this sort of thing… and I’m just so very afraid… afraid you’ll hurt me again…’ he wanted to say but the words remained somehow stuck in his throat. He just… he so wished to be the Subaru Seishiro-san wanted, to have the life Seishiro-san said he had before, he so wanted to… to be close to Seishiro-san, to love and be loved by him, he wanted it so desperately but… but he was just scared. Seishiro-san continued to rub his back gently.
“Subaru… It’s okay. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to or you’re not comfortable with,” the man reassured him. “Stop worrying.” Subaru just buried his head against his shoulder.
“I don’t even know what I want to do…” he admitted with a pathetic whimper. “Or how to do it for the matter…” ‘Or what consequences it’ll bring… If I… if you… if we do… that… will you continue being kind with me? Will you if we don’t?’ “I don’t know… I don’t know what I should do, Seishiro-san…” he finished lamely.
“Relax. I’ll take good care of you. Relax,” the man whispered smiling at him reassuringly and, though probably he couldn’t grasp the full extent of Subaru’s fears, he, at least, seemed willing to… handle things. Subaru felt him resuming kissing and caressing him like he did before Subaru interrupted him, his fingers moving slowly on the hem of Subaru’s shirt and lingering there, as if to ask for permission to proceed further. Subaru clung to him nervously chewing his lower lip and heard Seishiro-san chuckling slightly.
“Subaru, relax. I’m not going to eat you, it’ll be just really nice, I promise,” he told him sounding rather amused.
“Ah… okay…” Subaru stammered not sounding sure at all.
“Such lack of faith wounds me, Subaru,” Seishiro-san commented in an overly dramatic tone. Subaru raised his gaze, to look at him frowning, not really finding the situation funny, then tensed as he felt Seishiro-san’s hand on his skin again and lowered his head. It felt… weird. Not bad just… just… his heart was beating so fast and he felt so stupid because they really weren’t doing much, it was just touching, yet it felt so… so…
“It’s not so bad, is it?” Seishiro-san asked him before trailing gentle kisses on his cheek. He swallowed, clung to Seishiro tighter and didn’t reply. Not so bad? It felt way too good to describe it. Seishiro-san… he… Subaru had no idea if it felt so good because of what Seishiro-san was doing or because it was Seishiro-san that was doing it. He just felt light-headed and confused and strange and… and he tensed again as Seishiro-san stood up to free him from his shirt. He turned his gaze away, panting slightly and feeling rather uneasy and embarrassed. It was stupid, it was so stupid, it was just a stupid shirt, it wasn’t like he was naked for crying out loud but… but… He felt tears of frustration and shame coming to his eyes and tried to blink them away. He didn’t want to stop but he couldn’t continue either, he was torn between two extremes and… and… He was still tense when Seishiro-san gently pulled him back down against himself and just… held him, soothingly caressing his back without doing much more than waiting for Subaru to calm down, to relax again. Subaru found himself curling against him, clinging to him, trying to fight the prickling sensation in his throat.
“Sorry…” he whispered. “Sorry…”
“It’s okay. You’ve nothing to apologize for. That’s exactly the same reaction you had the first time I tried to do it,” the man whispered to Subaru smiling at him fondly. “You always were way too shy for your own good. You still are. Amnesia or not, you’re still exactly the same. Amnesia or not, you’re still _my_ Subaru and nothing will ever change this,” he stated and for a moment his voice sounded so raw and possessive it made Subaru shudder. He shouldn’t like it, he shouldn’t like Seishiro-san being so possessive of him and yet… He felt Seishiro-san pulling him closer, kissing his temple before he could feel Seishiro’s breath tickling his ear. “Besides… maybe you’ll consider rewarding me for my patience, won’t you?” he whispered in a half childish, half teasing tone. “Don’t I deserve a reward for being so patient, Subaru?” he went on nuzzling against him. “A cookie for being such a good boy?”
Hearing that, Subaru turned to stare at him, blinking, then as what Seishiro-san said sunk in, he found in himself the strength to do something he hadn’t done in his waking state in… he didn’t know how long.
He smiled.
It was a tiny smile, nothing fancy really, but it wasn’t anymore the pained, strained curving of lips he had forced himself to make when the occasion demanded it after Hokuto-chan’s death, it was just a tiny smile, shy and a bit too self conscious but it was still a smile of honest amusement, a smile of happiness filled with lot of affection. A smile that had shined in his eyes too and that hadn’t been the mere contraction of some facial muscles.
They were together. Seishiro-san was joking with him. Even if Subaru had messed up he hadn’t got angry with him he just… joked with Subaru. The world felt too perfect to be true but still Subaru couldn’t help but feel happy about it.
He yelped when Seishiro-san captured him into a tight hug, so tight it was squeezing him. The hug had startled him at first but… but if he had to be honest it felt like the hug one would reserve for his most precious possession only and Subaru… liked the idea Seishiro-san might find him precious. He shifted a little, adjusting his position into Seishiro-san’s hug so that it wouldn’t be uncomfortable then… then slowly let his arms slide around the man and hugged him back, leaning against him, snuggling against him, holding him as tightly as he could, burying his face against Seishiro-san’s chest, allowing himself to believe that he was finally ‘back at home’.
“I’m glad to see you smile again, Subaru,” he heard the man whispering so very honestly in his ear as they hugged. Subaru said nothing but he couldn’t remember being so happy in his whole life.
Later that day Seishiro persuaded Subaru to help him clean up a bit.
Actually the house didn’t need it and Seishiro knew but he had noticed Subaru was still uncomfortable about touching things in the house and wanted to make him more at ease with it in this way. Practice could accomplish what words of persuasion wouldn’t and maybe, if Subaru felt more at home… well he would be more comfortable, less stressed and then maybe he wouldn’t have problems resuming what they were doing on the couch. Though hugging and cuddling and kissing was nice Seishiro deep down wasn’t really as patient as he let Subaru believe. He was merely good at pretending he was but he believed he had already waited long enough and wanted his reward for having been so patient as soon as possible even if he wasn’t stupid enough to ruin everything by acting forceful.
Subaru had always been slow about certain things but respecting the time he needed had always proved more than worth it in the long run and so he would wait. Even though it was difficult.
Subaru however was pretty oblivious of Seishiro-san’s thoughts and, although he was thankful for the man’s patience, he couldn’t quite picture himself as the object of the man’s desires. He was still trying to cope with the idea Seishiro-san liked to have him around… which was ironic because he had so wished for it and yet, now that it was happening, he couldn’t believe it.
However, at least in the ‘cleaning the house’ department, things went smoothly enough until they moved to the wardrobe. Subaru cleaned every piece of his Onmyouji equipment carefully and then placed it back in the wardrobe in a really meticulous order, as he had been taught to do from childhood and was puzzled when he discovered something was missing. He checked again but the Sumeragi’s Tanto he used for some rituals wasn’t there. Odd. Where could it be? It made no sense to have placed it somewhere else or left it around so… where?
He turned confused eyes on Seishiro-san and asked him if he might have an idea about where it was. Maybe, even if he couldn’t picture himself placing it somewhere else… well, maybe in this reality he did it for some reasons. It was, after all, a sharp blade that might be used as a weapon and maybe Seishiro-san hadn’t liked the idea of keeping it on the wardrobe’s floor, closed in a simple box. As soon as he posed the question Seishiro-san gave him a sharp glance then turned his head away and said he would search for it later, then started chatting about a completely different topic.
Subaru blinked and hesitated only a moment before deciding not to press the point further. He wasn’t sixteen anymore and he hadn’t missed Seishiro-san’s look, or the fact he had dodged the question… but he didn’t feel ready to quiz Seishiro-san further about that topic when the man seemed unwilling to discuss it. He just… stored the information his Tanto was missing away, in one of the corner of his mind for future further examination.
It was another piece of the puzzle, Subaru decided, another piece of a puzzle Subaru wasn’t sure he wanted to complete… though he feared he would have to one day or the other or he’d regret it for the rest of his life.
To be continued...
JJ's Extra Notes:
Okay, this revised version is definitely longer than the first one… I fear I got carried away while describing Seishiro and Subaru cuddling. Subaru is always hard to deal with when Seishiro is being affectionate though he’s making some progress on many levels, though not as fast as Seishiro would like him do.
Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Ichimon: "Family" or "Household" or "Clan"
Obaachan: "Grandmother" or "Old Woman"
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based on the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Onmyouji: "Person who practices Onmyoudo". Basically a magician, sorcerer, diviner and astrologer
Onmyoujutsu: "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill whomever threatens Japan
Tanto: "Short Knife". Japanese blade or small sword. It is a smaller version of the Katana, with a blade length of about 15 - 30 cm (6" - 12")
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You can also read the demo version of this fic here.
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...
Notes: Based on the idea that there can't be a heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Thanks: To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this...
There were four more ‘prank calls’ before Seishiro-san phoned the telephone company again to ask them, in the calm and polite tone he generally reserved for those targets he was about to kill in an excruciatingly painful way, which unfortunate soul who had given away their number when he had _specifically_ requested for it to not be made public. When, to his great disappointment, the telephone company admitted they couldn’t help him, he politely instructed them to change the number again and not let it spread around _this time_. Or there might be _unpleasant_ repercussions. He didn’t detail of what they would consist but even people unaware of his role as Sakurazukamori could make a polite guess. Yes, although during the entire phone call Seishiro-san had always used a very polite and very friendly tone, Subaru was sure one didn’t need to know what he did for a living to experience a slight feeling of _total and utter terror_ slip inside him and never let go of him until he’d done _exactly_ what Seishiro-san had requested.
It was Seishiro-san’s special skill, Subaru guessed, to scare people to death while being at the same time extremely polite. He wondered if it was an innate gift or a skill Seishiro-san had mastered. Not that it mattered, he thought as he sighed unhappily.
He had watched Seishiro-san dealing with the problem of the phone line from the couch, not daring to utter a word, feeling rather useless and hating it. In the past days Seishiro-san had been the only one who answered the phone, apparently, their prank caller had always stopped the call as soon as he heard Seishiro-san’s voice. Seishiro-san hadn’t appreciated it, to say the least.
Subaru hadn’t tried to answer to the phone because he had been kind of not allowed to pick up the phone. Actually Seishiro-san hadn’t forbidden it; he had just told Subaru not to do it because he would take care of it, which for Subaru was as good as an order. To be honest, Subaru didn’t really want to have to take another phone call and discover it was like ‘that one’. Ever again. One time had been more than enough for him. He really wasn’t up to repeating the experience.
However… he couldn’t stop thinking of the phone calls. They scared and confused him at the same time.
For starters… how did the caller know their number in the first place?
He was absolutely sure that Seishiro-san’s number was unlisted. The house he was in was also the Sakurazukamori’s secret hideout after all. People close to them, like Hokuto-chan for example, might have it but he doubted someone else would. He wasn’t even sure Seishiro would use that number for his work… so how could those weird phone calls have started in the first place?
Maybe… maybe someone had dialled that number by accident and had kept on doing it just for the pleasure of annoying them… but…
Seishiro-san had the number changed.
Even if the first time the caller had managed to get it from someone that knew it or had dialled it by coincidence, how did he manage to track it down again? How? He had no idea.
His mind went back to the time he had picked up the phone.
‘Who are you?’
‘Subaru.’
‘You’re not him. Don’t even try to lie about this.’
‘I’m Subaru, Sumeragi Subaru.’
‘Sumeragi Subaru’s dead. Who are you? Impostor! Liar! Who are you? Who the hell are you?’
He shuddered at the memory. In that moment it hadn’t been a particularly pleasurable experience to be informed he was dead. Maybe he could have appreciated it previously, when he thought Seishiro-san was dead and Hokuto-chan too but now… now that they were alive and Seishiro-san was being so kind with him and everything was going sort of well… he… he didn’t really want to be dead… Seishiro-san had said he wasn’t, so the voice had to be lying, right?
He swallowed, refusing to think Seishiro-san might have lied to him again and the voice could be right. He really wasn’t up for that.
He tried to focus solely on his memory of the voice. Somehow it had seemed familiar and yet… he couldn’t place it, he couldn’t recognize it, as if it had been distorted.
But who would bother to distort his voice to make all those prank calls? And who would make them in the first place? Why? Was it something done to hurt him? Seishiro-san? Both of them?
Something inside him rebelled at the idea someone might want to hurt Seishiro-san, rebelled with a mix of determination and desperation.
No one was allowed to hurt Seishiro-san. No one.
Never again would anyone hurt Seishiro-san. Never again.
He… he could still feel the smell of blood on his hands… Seishiro-san’s blood, the warmth fading from the man’s body as his life slipped away while Subaru could only watch… could only watch…
In order to keep Seishiro-san alive… he was willing to sacrifice everything else. To protect Seishiro-san… he was willing to do anything.
This time… this time he wouldn’t let anything happen to him, he thought darkly, a cold determination setting in his heart.
No one would hurt Seishiro-san. No one.
Even if… even if…
“Has Obaachan got this number?” he asked quietly when Seishiro-san put down the phone receiver, looking none too pleased. Subaru… he didn’t want to think his grandmother… or someone from his Ichimon for that matter… could be behind those calls but… but…
Seishiro-san studied him before answering reluctantly.
“She had the fax number only, though I guess you’ll have to inform her about the new one sooner or later. Better later though. Back when we moved here she wasn’t exactly pleased about us living together. She likely didn’t look forward to risk talking to me, in case I picked up the phone instead of you, and, although she still doesn’t know what I do for a living, I think she has her own suspicions. So she contented herself with having our fax number and sending you the details for your work through faxes… waiting for you to call her if something wasn’t clear. Subaru… you’re not planning to go back to work, are you?” he asked, frowning slightly. Honestly Subaru hadn’t thought about that but now that Seishiro-san mentioned it…
“Well… sooner or later I…” he began to say hesitantly. He didn’t really want to resume working, he really didn’t feel up to it but… but it was what his duties toward his Ichimon required so…
Seishiro-san knelt down right in front of him, almost between his legs, and took his hands into his. Subaru looked at him nervously, not knowing what to expect.
“Subaru, listen. I know you’re a great Onmyouji, that you have duties and responsibilities and all that stuff but… you’re not well yet and really, you’ve already done your share for your Ichimon. I have money enough for us both so you really shouldn’t…”
“But it wouldn’t be fair!” Subaru exclaimed before the man could finish. He was already being a burden to Seishiro-san and he figured that, with his actions, he had been a source of trouble for his family too. They were nowhere as important as Seishiro-san but still…
Seishiro-san rested his head on one of Subaru’s legs and nuzzled against it, looking up at Subaru and Subaru somehow felt totally helpless in face of that display, as if he was absolutely unable to deny to the man anything he asked for. He wondered if Seishiro-san knew the effect he had on him.
Probably, and he was using it to his advantage.
Subaru wished he could get angry but all he wanted to do was to give in and cuddle and fuss over him. Not that he really knew how to do it.
Hesitantly he moved his hand to caress the man’s hair and Seishiro-san made a small sound of pleasure at that, kind of like a purr as he moved closer to Subaru, causing Subaru’s heart to beat faster as a warm sensation spread inside him as he allowed himself to enjoy that situation and he refused to think of anything else but of the fact they were together.
Slowly Seishiro-san moved in between Subaru’s legs and hugged the boy’s waist, resting his head against Subaru’s stomach. It felt slightly embarrassing but nice, Subaru realized as he hesitantly continued to caress him, his hand now also shyly moving to stroke the man’s back. He felt happy… as happy as he hadn’t believed he could be… and he was tempted to cry about this. He wasn’t really sure when they both moved to lie down on the couch, well, technically Seishiro-san was the one that was lying on the couch while Subaru was draped over him, still just hugging, caressing and snuggling against each other. It felt even nicer when Seishiro-san started kissing the top of his head, in that weird way Seishiro-san kissed him, that was gentle and slow, yet made Subaru feel all weird inside in a way that was pleasant and embarrassing at the same time. He liked it though, although he wasn’t capable of admitting it as he instinctively nuzzled against the man, unconsciously seeking more contact. He felt Seishiro-san resting his hand against his cheek gently, stroking it with his thumb before slowly making Subaru turn his face toward the man. Subaru blinked, confused, but Seishiro-san just smiled before moving closer and… kissing him gently on his lips.
He froze, unable to move, unable to decide what he should do, unable to remember what he was supposed to do… if he had ever known what to do in such situation. The man just… had never kissed him on his lips. Forehead, cheeks, neck, hands, even shoulders and chest but… never lips. Maybe it was merely due to Hokuto-chan’s influence but… but being kissed like that felt… felt important, felt far more meaningful than any other kiss he had received… though probably it was just him, probably it meant nothing to Seishiro-san, even though it was such a sweet kiss, so very tender and loving… and it ended way too soon for Subaru’s liking.
However, when they parted, Subaru could only stare at the man with a mix of longing and fear of being rejected, not knowing what to say, lips still slightly open. There were so many questions swarming in his head, the main one being if what had happened had a meaning for Seishiro-san, one that wasn’t merely tied to carnal wishes but to… to deeper feelings but… but he couldn’t voice them, he could only look at the man, waiting for Seishiro-san to say something, anything.
Seishiro-san instead simply kissed him again, deeper this time, and Subaru found himself automatically clinging to him, refusing to let go.
‘I don’t really want to know if you’re kissing me out of love or out of lust,’ he found himself thinking. ‘I merely don’t want this to end; I merely don’t want to lose you again. If I’m deluding myself again… that’s fine as long as I’m allowed to stay with you.’
He was being pathetic, a cruel voice in his mind whispered but he ignored it as Seishiro-san tightened his grip around him, turning the kiss into something more… intense, more passionate, almost desperate, that made Subaru unable to focus on anything else but that kiss. He… he felt like he had waited a lifetime for it, half of which spent without even being sure about what he was waiting for, as naïve as he had been, and the other half in the knowledge that moment would never come, that all his hopes had been crushed and now that it was actually happening he just… didn’t want it to stop, didn’t want the moment to end.
He couldn’t know Seishiro too had been waiting for that moment, even if only since the day of Subaru’s injury and even though Seishiro had already lived the experience of kissing him more than once and had none of Subaru’s dark ghosts haunting him he too had been… concerned about the idea things might not go back to the way they had been before… though maybe his concerns were unfounded. It seemed his Subaru was merely a little confused and needed to get used to how things were… but he really didn’t look like he was adverse to continuing to live with him… and, although a completely innocent Subaru forced him to move at a slow pace, he couldn’t help but find Subaru as alluring as he had been when he had been younger, he decided as he smiled into the kiss. He parted from him, just to catch a glimpse of confused and slightly dazed green eyes before kissing him again, his fingers trailing on Subaru’s back and through his hair until one of his hands tried to move under Subaru’s shirt.
It didn’t quite lead to the reaction he wanted as Subaru tensed, parting from him abruptly, turning his head away and lowering it. He didn’t seem angry though, just… afraid and sort of confused and embarrassed. And so terribly cute…
He smiled as he rested his hand on Subaru’s cheek, careful to be reassuring and not to scare him further.
“Sorry, I got too fast, didn’t I?” he offered, his other arm still loosely wrapped around him so that Subaru wouldn’t feel trapped. Subaru just chewed his lower lip nervously, without daring to look at him, then, slowly, shook his head.
“It’s not that… It was nice… It’s just… It was just… unexpected… I mean… I mean…” Subaru babbled, his voice quivering slightly. He didn’t really resist when Seishiro-san pulled him closer, allowing himself to lean against the man again, although he was still tense, his breathing hurried. He felt gentle fingers stroking his back, his hair in a soothing manner and felt some of the tension leaving him, though the same couldn’t be said for his self-loathing. It was useless, he didn’t know how to do this, he was just too nervous, too afraid to mess up, too afraid to…
“It’s okay. My bad. I was the one startling you. You did nothing wrong,” Seishiro assured him, trying to soothe Subaru’s fears. Somehow his amnesia had made Subaru even more nervous about any form of intimacy than he had been previously… though there’s to say Subaru didn’t remember all the time Seishiro had spent trying to help him get used to it, right from day one. He felt Subaru’s muscles relax slightly as the boy rested his head against his shoulder, his breathing slowing down slightly. “It’s okay, Subaru, really. You’ve nothing to worry about,” he repeated gently, softly, speaking to him as he would do to a little kid.
“It’s just… it’s just I… I mean… I…” ‘I’m so confused… I can’t remember at all how things worked in this world, I can’t remember us having this sort of intimacy, doing this sort of thing… and I’m just so very afraid… afraid you’ll hurt me again…’ he wanted to say but the words remained somehow stuck in his throat. He just… he so wished to be the Subaru Seishiro-san wanted, to have the life Seishiro-san said he had before, he so wanted to… to be close to Seishiro-san, to love and be loved by him, he wanted it so desperately but… but he was just scared. Seishiro-san continued to rub his back gently.
“Subaru… It’s okay. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to or you’re not comfortable with,” the man reassured him. “Stop worrying.” Subaru just buried his head against his shoulder.
“I don’t even know what I want to do…” he admitted with a pathetic whimper. “Or how to do it for the matter…” ‘Or what consequences it’ll bring… If I… if you… if we do… that… will you continue being kind with me? Will you if we don’t?’ “I don’t know… I don’t know what I should do, Seishiro-san…” he finished lamely.
“Relax. I’ll take good care of you. Relax,” the man whispered smiling at him reassuringly and, though probably he couldn’t grasp the full extent of Subaru’s fears, he, at least, seemed willing to… handle things. Subaru felt him resuming kissing and caressing him like he did before Subaru interrupted him, his fingers moving slowly on the hem of Subaru’s shirt and lingering there, as if to ask for permission to proceed further. Subaru clung to him nervously chewing his lower lip and heard Seishiro-san chuckling slightly.
“Subaru, relax. I’m not going to eat you, it’ll be just really nice, I promise,” he told him sounding rather amused.
“Ah… okay…” Subaru stammered not sounding sure at all.
“Such lack of faith wounds me, Subaru,” Seishiro-san commented in an overly dramatic tone. Subaru raised his gaze, to look at him frowning, not really finding the situation funny, then tensed as he felt Seishiro-san’s hand on his skin again and lowered his head. It felt… weird. Not bad just… just… his heart was beating so fast and he felt so stupid because they really weren’t doing much, it was just touching, yet it felt so… so…
“It’s not so bad, is it?” Seishiro-san asked him before trailing gentle kisses on his cheek. He swallowed, clung to Seishiro tighter and didn’t reply. Not so bad? It felt way too good to describe it. Seishiro-san… he… Subaru had no idea if it felt so good because of what Seishiro-san was doing or because it was Seishiro-san that was doing it. He just felt light-headed and confused and strange and… and he tensed again as Seishiro-san stood up to free him from his shirt. He turned his gaze away, panting slightly and feeling rather uneasy and embarrassed. It was stupid, it was so stupid, it was just a stupid shirt, it wasn’t like he was naked for crying out loud but… but… He felt tears of frustration and shame coming to his eyes and tried to blink them away. He didn’t want to stop but he couldn’t continue either, he was torn between two extremes and… and… He was still tense when Seishiro-san gently pulled him back down against himself and just… held him, soothingly caressing his back without doing much more than waiting for Subaru to calm down, to relax again. Subaru found himself curling against him, clinging to him, trying to fight the prickling sensation in his throat.
“Sorry…” he whispered. “Sorry…”
“It’s okay. You’ve nothing to apologize for. That’s exactly the same reaction you had the first time I tried to do it,” the man whispered to Subaru smiling at him fondly. “You always were way too shy for your own good. You still are. Amnesia or not, you’re still exactly the same. Amnesia or not, you’re still _my_ Subaru and nothing will ever change this,” he stated and for a moment his voice sounded so raw and possessive it made Subaru shudder. He shouldn’t like it, he shouldn’t like Seishiro-san being so possessive of him and yet… He felt Seishiro-san pulling him closer, kissing his temple before he could feel Seishiro’s breath tickling his ear. “Besides… maybe you’ll consider rewarding me for my patience, won’t you?” he whispered in a half childish, half teasing tone. “Don’t I deserve a reward for being so patient, Subaru?” he went on nuzzling against him. “A cookie for being such a good boy?”
Hearing that, Subaru turned to stare at him, blinking, then as what Seishiro-san said sunk in, he found in himself the strength to do something he hadn’t done in his waking state in… he didn’t know how long.
He smiled.
It was a tiny smile, nothing fancy really, but it wasn’t anymore the pained, strained curving of lips he had forced himself to make when the occasion demanded it after Hokuto-chan’s death, it was just a tiny smile, shy and a bit too self conscious but it was still a smile of honest amusement, a smile of happiness filled with lot of affection. A smile that had shined in his eyes too and that hadn’t been the mere contraction of some facial muscles.
They were together. Seishiro-san was joking with him. Even if Subaru had messed up he hadn’t got angry with him he just… joked with Subaru. The world felt too perfect to be true but still Subaru couldn’t help but feel happy about it.
He yelped when Seishiro-san captured him into a tight hug, so tight it was squeezing him. The hug had startled him at first but… but if he had to be honest it felt like the hug one would reserve for his most precious possession only and Subaru… liked the idea Seishiro-san might find him precious. He shifted a little, adjusting his position into Seishiro-san’s hug so that it wouldn’t be uncomfortable then… then slowly let his arms slide around the man and hugged him back, leaning against him, snuggling against him, holding him as tightly as he could, burying his face against Seishiro-san’s chest, allowing himself to believe that he was finally ‘back at home’.
“I’m glad to see you smile again, Subaru,” he heard the man whispering so very honestly in his ear as they hugged. Subaru said nothing but he couldn’t remember being so happy in his whole life.
Later that day Seishiro persuaded Subaru to help him clean up a bit.
Actually the house didn’t need it and Seishiro knew but he had noticed Subaru was still uncomfortable about touching things in the house and wanted to make him more at ease with it in this way. Practice could accomplish what words of persuasion wouldn’t and maybe, if Subaru felt more at home… well he would be more comfortable, less stressed and then maybe he wouldn’t have problems resuming what they were doing on the couch. Though hugging and cuddling and kissing was nice Seishiro deep down wasn’t really as patient as he let Subaru believe. He was merely good at pretending he was but he believed he had already waited long enough and wanted his reward for having been so patient as soon as possible even if he wasn’t stupid enough to ruin everything by acting forceful.
Subaru had always been slow about certain things but respecting the time he needed had always proved more than worth it in the long run and so he would wait. Even though it was difficult.
Subaru however was pretty oblivious of Seishiro-san’s thoughts and, although he was thankful for the man’s patience, he couldn’t quite picture himself as the object of the man’s desires. He was still trying to cope with the idea Seishiro-san liked to have him around… which was ironic because he had so wished for it and yet, now that it was happening, he couldn’t believe it.
However, at least in the ‘cleaning the house’ department, things went smoothly enough until they moved to the wardrobe. Subaru cleaned every piece of his Onmyouji equipment carefully and then placed it back in the wardrobe in a really meticulous order, as he had been taught to do from childhood and was puzzled when he discovered something was missing. He checked again but the Sumeragi’s Tanto he used for some rituals wasn’t there. Odd. Where could it be? It made no sense to have placed it somewhere else or left it around so… where?
He turned confused eyes on Seishiro-san and asked him if he might have an idea about where it was. Maybe, even if he couldn’t picture himself placing it somewhere else… well, maybe in this reality he did it for some reasons. It was, after all, a sharp blade that might be used as a weapon and maybe Seishiro-san hadn’t liked the idea of keeping it on the wardrobe’s floor, closed in a simple box. As soon as he posed the question Seishiro-san gave him a sharp glance then turned his head away and said he would search for it later, then started chatting about a completely different topic.
Subaru blinked and hesitated only a moment before deciding not to press the point further. He wasn’t sixteen anymore and he hadn’t missed Seishiro-san’s look, or the fact he had dodged the question… but he didn’t feel ready to quiz Seishiro-san further about that topic when the man seemed unwilling to discuss it. He just… stored the information his Tanto was missing away, in one of the corner of his mind for future further examination.
It was another piece of the puzzle, Subaru decided, another piece of a puzzle Subaru wasn’t sure he wanted to complete… though he feared he would have to one day or the other or he’d regret it for the rest of his life.
To be continued...
JJ's Extra Notes:
Okay, this revised version is definitely longer than the first one… I fear I got carried away while describing Seishiro and Subaru cuddling. Subaru is always hard to deal with when Seishiro is being affectionate though he’s making some progress on many levels, though not as fast as Seishiro would like him do.
Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Ichimon: "Family" or "Household" or "Clan"
Obaachan: "Grandmother" or "Old Woman"
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based on the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Onmyouji: "Person who practices Onmyoudo". Basically a magician, sorcerer, diviner and astrologer
Onmyoujutsu: "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill whomever threatens Japan
Tanto: "Short Knife". Japanese blade or small sword. It is a smaller version of the Katana, with a blade length of about 15 - 30 cm (6" - 12")
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