Fanfic: Shards - Part 1
Title: "Shards - Part 1"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness, uses Japanese words and includes some spoilers.
Notes: I wanted to make a fic. I ended up making this weird things instead…
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Summary: Can you really let your favourite glass cup shatter?
Done it wrong
It took just a second to understand something in his plan had gone horribly wrong. He knew that smell, that feeling; in his line of work he had experienced it too many times to mistake it and so he just knew he couldn’t possibly be the one who had been stabbed and his eyes widened in horror. The spell hadn’t worked and he lowered his gaze to meet Subaru-kun’s bowed dark head.
‘He’ll die! You did it wrong and he’ll die!’ something screamed inside him as his brain thought desperately to a way to fix things while Subaru-kun’s warm blood was soaking his sleeve. He couldn’t pull his arm out if he didn’t want to worsen the damage he had already done. He couldn’t let it in either. He… he… he… His thoughts jumbled and tangled together as Subaru-kun raised his head, pained green eyes… eye, no eyes some part of his brain pointed out, meeting his mismatched ones. He stared at him, so much to say and nothing to say at the same time.
“Sei… Seishiro… -san…” Subaru-kun rasped before coughing up blood on Seishiro’s white shirt. The boy’s legs gave away and Seishiro clung him, supporting Subaru-kun’s weight against himself, his arm still through Subaru-kun, as if that would be enough to stop the blending. Nothing would be, he knew that, none of the victims of the Sakurazukamori had ever survived but that didn’t stop him. He tried to fish in his brain any notion that could be useful at the moment, medicine notions, magic notions, miracles notions but at first he simply couldn’t think, then, as Subaru-kun tried to speak and only coughed more blood he realized something was off, something else was wrong and he had failed to notice it in the few seconds of shock that had followed the discovering he wouldn’t be the one who would die that day. Missed. A concept so absurd he hadn’t even considered it because… because that was something that didn’t happen to him. Missed. He had missed the heart. For the first time in his life he had… missed his target, his aim slightly off. Not surprising really, since he hadn’t aimed, sure it wouldn’t be needed to make the spell work and yet, he’d done that so many times he had always assumed he just couldn’t miss, not even if he didn’t aim.
It wouldn’t make an enormous difference, actually it might not make a difference at all but… in that moment he didn’t care. He would have more time to do something. He would use it to keep Subaru-kun alive. A spell was muttered hurriedly, one that wouldn’t save the boy but that could give Seishiro more time and the chance to remove his arms. It wasn’t pleasant. Subaru-kun’s body, freed from it, seemed to slump further, as if the boy was slipping from Seishiro’s grasp and the man hurried to cradle the lithe body close fighting down a wave of nausea and dizziness as Subaru-kun closed his eyes and looked as pale as a corpse, his blood dripping on the concrete, way slower than it should thanks to Seishiro’s spell but dripping anyway. Numbly he saw the Kekkai, Subaru-kun’s Kekkai, fading, and then forced his legs to move, slowly at first in an almost clumsy way, then his body seemed to remember how to move as he broke into a run, racing against time.
Connection
There was pain and burning and light and Subaru quite had no idea why he had opened his eyes. He couldn’t move and he wasn’t sure if he was paralysed or simply too weak to do it. Probably the latter he realized as he blinked in effort to clear his eyesight. Paralysis shouldn’t physically hurt so much. The ceiling over him was an unfamiliar white one or at least it seemed so. His vision was still too blurry and his mind seemed to swam underwater. He might be as well resting in Tokyo Bay gazing at Rainbow Bridge from under the sea. There was a metallic, coppery taste in his mouth and something stuck in his throat and beeping and the sound of other machines next to him and he squeezed his eyes shut and shuddered at the prospect of being still alive as he tried to move, to escape to that living nightmare. He felt the bed shifting as someone leaned on it and a hand caressing his face gently, brushing away his hair.
“Subaru-kun, it’s okay, calm down,” a familiar voice told him and he stilled as he opened his eyes abruptly and tried to form a word.
‘Seishiro-san.’
He couldn’t voice it and his eyesight was too blurry to distinguish the man with absolute clarity, a tall dark haired man that for once wasn’t wearing those horribly eyeglasses, but Subaru didn’t need to see details clearly since he had impressed in his mind Seishiro-san’s features so very long ago. His throat contracted, making even harder to breathe, his body tensing and his pain increasing. The hand, Seishiro-san’s hand, caressed his cheek gently, reassuringly.
“Subaru-kun, calm down,” the man insisted and there was something strained in his tone and Subaru just wished he could ask him how could he keep calm when he was alive, _alive_, his wish so horribly ripped from him when he’d been so close, so very close, so amazingly close… but all he could do was a strangled, whimpering sound.
“Calm down. You’re safe now, calm down,” Seishiro-san repeated and Subaru wondered if the man knew what he was asking from him as he just looked at him and willed himself to not go into hysterics. The hand on his cheek stilled and the man raised himself abruptly, likely planning to abandon him again. Again. After all he did. After denying him his Wish. After he’d been so close… abandoning him… abandoning… abandoned… turning… walking away… away…
Strength he had never known to posses helped him to raise his arm and clumsily brush his fingers against the man’s hand before it was out of his reach, weakly hooking two of his fingers to Seishiro-san’s pinkie in a desperate, yet silent, plea. Seishiro-san stilled, then turned and stared at Subaru’s hand, then at Subaru himself. Subaru stared back, feeling nauseous and worn out. His body throbbed in pain and he wondered if he had been given painkillers, if they had already worn off or if they simply just weren’t enough anymore. Then Seishiro-san took his hand into his and sat down next to him again. Subaru stared at him, trying to force himself to breathe slower because it seemed his lungs refused to work faster and, anyway, each breath was such an explosion of burning pain that the few air he got just didn’t seem to be worth it. However, when he felt Seishiro-san raising his hand and pressing it against his unshaved cheek, nuzzling against it slightly, things seemed to get better.
“I’m here, Subaru-kun. I’m not going to leave,” the man assured and Subaru knew better than to believe it but, right then, it didn’t seem to matter. Seishiro-san was here, nuzzling against his hand and, at the moment, that was enough to make Subaru’s life worth being lived a little longer, Subaru decided as he let his eyes close slowly and slipped again into sleep.
Don’t trust predictions
Seishiro’s routine now constituted simply in being around Subaru-kun. It didn’t quite matter if the boy was asleep or awake since Subaru-kun wasn’t talking to him anyway and, most of the time, Seishiro wasn’t talking to him either. They had nothing to say to each other after all. Sometimes, the few times Subaru-kun was awake, the boy stared at him, sometimes he did not, obstinately gazing elsewhere. It didn’t quite matter. Seishiro would just sit in the chair next to Subaru-kun’s bed with his arms crossed and… nothing. He had not the most remote idea about why he was being here and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the reason anyway. He had chosen Subaru-kun as heir. Subaru-kun didn’t want to kill him and he couldn’t force the boy to kill him using Hokuto-chan’s spell either since the cursed thing _didn’t work_ and to think at it always made him feel very… he had no idea what but it was very unpleasant. And anyway Subaru-kun was confined to bed and doctors didn’t seem to have an idea about when and _if_ he would recover, the world was coming to an end and Seishiro was stuck into a stalemate.
‘The next Sakurazukamori will be the one who kills you.’
‘So I shall be killed as well?’
‘Yes… by the one you love most.’
The statement didn’t make sense. He didn’t love Subaru-kun, he hadn’t picked him up to be the next Sakurazukamori due to some romantic feeling for the boy, even though he had believed it would kill him to just see Subaru-kun dying. He didn’t understand why and it was another thing he didn’t truly wanted to know. He was tired and bored out of his skull and yet couldn’t leave.
Kamui, the Chi no Ryu’s Kamui, had come to visit. Seishiro would have done without it. It hadn’t been a horribly long conversation.
‘He’ll die,’ he had said glancing at Subaru-kun pointedly.
‘He’ll do not,’ he had retorted, glaring at the teen, his hand automatically moving to grab Subaru-kun’s one, as to affirm his ownership of the boy. The other had shrugged.
‘It’s just a matter of time. There’s no strength left in him anymore to sustain him and not even his Wish would do. He knows now you don’t want to fulfil it.’
‘He won’t die. I’ll make sure of it,’ Seishiro had insisted stubbornly as if willing would be enough to make it true. The boy had grinned, as if challenging him to do so and then had shrugged and left as silently as he had come and Seishiro had remained there, to guard Subaru-kun.
A minute more
In the shot times Subaru was awake he was always trying to ponder to his own situation. He was confined in a bed, either asleep or drugged out of his mind to keep the pain to a bearable level. He didn’t think he would survive to all that and didn’t really care. It would be a slow death but it would be caused by Seishiro-san’s blow and that was as close as to fulfil his wish he could get. Subaru wanted to die, he wanted it desperately since he had nothing else to live for and yet, each time he opened his eyes and saw Seishiro-san next to him all his mind could come up was ‘I must last a little longer’. He found very pathetic how, his need for Seishiro-san’s attention, was forcing him to remain in that situation, keeping him one step away from his Wish. In the state he was it would be so easy to close his eyes and never open them again, so easy to say it was all Seishiro-san’s fault, that it was his blow and all he did to destroy Subaru’s life that had killed him, so easy and yet… he only needed to glance at the figure seated next to him to force himself to breathe another time, through the haze of pain each movement caused and that sometimes was enough to make him slip into unconsciousness again.
Peaceful is a very subjective idea
The machine that helped Subaru-kun to breathe was noisy. He had complained over it but, apparently, it couldn’t be replaced with a silent one. He had no idea how Subaru-kun could sleep. Seishiro was finding hard to doze off with that annoying noise in the background but he did anyway. Subaru-kun’s conditions seemed to worsen considerably if he wasn’t there to hold the boy’s hand and, in the state in which Subaru-kun was, Seishiro couldn’t even consider letting him alone. Then, one day the beeping stopped and he sighed in relief as there was finally quiet. Relief didn’t last much as he realized the blissful silence could cause Subaru-kun’s departure. He stood immediately and called the unconscious boy, shook him, called for the nurses the doctors, no one answered, no one, there was only silence a silence of death and… and…
And he lost balance form the chair on which he was dozing and fell unceremoniously on the ground. Hard. He didn’t even noticed it as he pulled himself up and reached for Subaru-kun. Glazed, green eyes half opened slowly and stared at him as if saying ‘Yes? What’s wrong?’ as Seishiro realized the machine was still being as noisy as it usually was. His fingers trailed in the boy’s hair, petting them gently lovingly as he repeated ‘I’m here, Subaru-kun, you’re safe, everything will go well now’, much more to reassure himself than Subaru-kun. Weak fingers reached slowly for him, as if trying to rub him soothingly but managing only to brush him weakly, a ghostlike touch as Subaru-kun tried to swallow and paled some more. With all the earthquakes and injured and everything there wasn’t enough painkillers and, anyway, the doctors were saying that, in Subaru-kun’s conditions, they would make him more damage that good. Seishiro had no idea if they were being sincere or if they were judging them wasted on a boy they expected to die soon.
“It’ll be okay, Subaru-kun, don’t worry,” he repeated, grabbing Subaru-kun’s hand and pulling it close to his mouth, kissing it gently, almost ceremoniously. “I won’t let you die,” he promised and had no idea why Subaru-kun’s eyes seemed to be even more pained.
Two
Subaru had no idea how many days had gone but, in the middle of one of them, he opened his eyes, found himself alone and, as he stared at the ceiling, realized in a moment of absolute clarity, he might in fact get better, he might get out of that hospital alive, he might survive to Rainbow Bridge and his mind screamed ‘NO!’ with all the violence it was capable. It was in that moment he tried to struggle, to free himself from all those cables and tubes and just… die. Die because Seishiro-san had stabbed him and then had carried him to a hospital and then he had left him _alone_, _alone_, _alonealonealone…_
Strong, large hands gripped him, held him still as a familiar voice called for a nurse, a doctor, someone. Subaru stared at Seishiro-san helplessly then tried anyway to struggle in his grasp, as much as his depleted energies allowed him. He ignored the other’s soothing words and gentle touches, ignored everything until he didn’t feel lips resting on his temple. He stilled, his eyes widening and then turning toward Seishiro-san. The man kissed him again and again, his arm moving around him to embrace him as he nuzzled slightly against Subaru. Subaru made a strangled, sobbing sound, eyes filling with tears as he let himself sank into Seishiro-san’s arms. He was completely unaware of doctors and nurses trying to fix the mess he did. He only wanted to feel embraced.
Can’t stop
Seishiro was staring at the window without really seeing it, his fingers rubbing gently Subaru-kun’s hand. He was holding it almost always as if it was a lifeline, as if it was the only thing that kept Subaru-kun in the living world. Each time the boy was awake he would talk to him. Talk. Well, babble really because it wasn’t as if Subaru-kun could reply and he didn’t even seem interested in what Seishiro was saying. However he looked as if he appreciated the sound of Seishiro’s voice and so, each time Subaru-kun was conscious, even if it was merely on the edge between sleep and wakefulness, Seishiro would talk to him and Subaru-kun’s green eyes would stare at him until they would drift shut on their own back into sleep.
‘How long of this life?’ he mused to himself one day after Subaru-kun had just dozed off again. ‘It’s horrible, it’s boring, it’s exhausting and I don’t want to do it any longer,’ his mind whined in a rather childish tone. He turned to look at Subaru-kun accusingly but, as he saw the miserable state the boy was in he wasn’t capable to keep that up. Subaru-kun might have died that day in which he’d left him unsupervised for a moment. Subaru-kun might have died that day on the bridge. Subaru-kun might have died. Subaru-kun could still die and he couldn’t let him unsupervised not even for a second even if he had no idea why only that he bent down on the boy and kissed his forehead again whispering quietly ‘I’m here, Subaru-kun’ and for a second he felt tempted to think Subaru-kun had smiled.
Blissful silence
Miracles happened. The fact he was getting better was one of them the doctor was trying to tell him. Subaru wasn’t listening. He wasn’t making a sound as they were painfully removing that damn tube someone had stuck in his throat, just squeezing Seishiro-san’s hand as hard as he could. Which wasn’t much. He didn’t feel cheered up at the idea he was better. And if Seishiro-san were to leave now that he was feeling better enough to apparently breathe on his own…
The first two breaths he took on his own were hell and he felt near to suffocation and thought ‘I can’t do this, maybe this is just an economic form of euthanasia and everything will end today…’ but the third went a lot more smoothly and so the fourth and the fifth and the sixth and he stopped counting because really, it didn’t matter. It was hard but he could do it and he stared at Seishiro-san’s face, clinging his hand as tightly as he could and… breathing. On his own. Seishiro-san smoothed his hair gently.
“Well,” the man said when they were alone, “I guess this will help conversation.”
Subaru stared at him, wondered what in the world he expected him to say, with all those feeling bubbling inside him and not even one word capable to express them and kept silent.
“Or maybe not,” Seishiro-san amended but his fingers lowered to brush Subaru’s lips gently and Subaru closed his eyes to inhale Seishiro-san’s scent, to try to impress it even better in his memory, and that moment was filled with all those words he couldn’t say.
Stubborness
Ten days after Subaru-kun still had to utter a word and, even if the doctors were looking at the boy worriedly, Seishiro knew it was refusal and not inability. Subaru-kun didn’t feel like talking and therefore wouldn’t talk, not even if Seishiro were to break each bone in his body so he didn’t even try. Subaru-kun could be stubborn and besides he’d never been much of a talker. He was awake more often now and Seishiro kept holding up cheerful conversations on his own, as if the two of them were best friends or something. They weren’t, they had never been and sometimes Seishiro was catching himself staring at those stubbornly closed lips and wish… he didn’t want to know what.
Subaru-kun however was better, would get better and, even if his conditions weren’t good yet, doctors were being optimistic now. Seishiro could leave him, could leave him on his own, there was no need he kept up babysitting him, really, no need at all.
He didn’t move from his position as he kept chattering amiably. After all it wasn’t as if he had something better to do.
Better
The bed was trembling, how odd, was his first thought in the edge between wakefulness and sleep. The next was that someone was that someone was over him and this was enough to make him widen his eyes and try to move.
“Keep still!” Seishiro-san ordered, holding him under himself tightly, painfully and for a panicked moment the boy thought he was about to… Then the bed shook even harder, ‘An earthquake!’ his mind provided as he realized he wasn’t being kept trapped but shielded. His arms moved to cling Seishiro-san, in a desperate attempt to hold, to protect as everything seemed to tremble even more and dust began falling from the ceiling then… it subsided slowly. They remained like that, embraced for a moment then Seishiro-san moved and dust filled Subaru’s abused lugs, causing him to cough immediately. Seishiro-san held him, rubbing his back, murmuring soothing words but Subaru just couldn’t stop coughing. Then lips were pressed against his own and Subaru coughed into the kiss but Seishiro-san didn’t release him, he kept kissing him, kept holding him until… it calmed somehow.
Subaru stared at him when they parted, unable to explain to himself what that was supposed to mean, feeling a bizarre mix of pain and joy that was tearing him apart.
“How are you feeling?” the man asked him, still holding him, looking at him so very intently.
“Better,” he rasped, breathing laboured but steady.
“I’m glad,” he replied before lowering to hug him, settling in his bed as if it was his place. Subaru didn’t comment as he curled into the hold, letting the man cuddle him. Out of the room there was a lot of noise of people screaming, hurt, scared… but inside there was silence, just the sound of two men breathing contently in each other embrace.
Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!
Send me your comments!
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness, uses Japanese words and includes some spoilers.
Notes: I wanted to make a fic. I ended up making this weird things instead…
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Summary: Can you really let your favourite glass cup shatter?
Done it wrong
It took just a second to understand something in his plan had gone horribly wrong. He knew that smell, that feeling; in his line of work he had experienced it too many times to mistake it and so he just knew he couldn’t possibly be the one who had been stabbed and his eyes widened in horror. The spell hadn’t worked and he lowered his gaze to meet Subaru-kun’s bowed dark head.
‘He’ll die! You did it wrong and he’ll die!’ something screamed inside him as his brain thought desperately to a way to fix things while Subaru-kun’s warm blood was soaking his sleeve. He couldn’t pull his arm out if he didn’t want to worsen the damage he had already done. He couldn’t let it in either. He… he… he… His thoughts jumbled and tangled together as Subaru-kun raised his head, pained green eyes… eye, no eyes some part of his brain pointed out, meeting his mismatched ones. He stared at him, so much to say and nothing to say at the same time.
“Sei… Seishiro… -san…” Subaru-kun rasped before coughing up blood on Seishiro’s white shirt. The boy’s legs gave away and Seishiro clung him, supporting Subaru-kun’s weight against himself, his arm still through Subaru-kun, as if that would be enough to stop the blending. Nothing would be, he knew that, none of the victims of the Sakurazukamori had ever survived but that didn’t stop him. He tried to fish in his brain any notion that could be useful at the moment, medicine notions, magic notions, miracles notions but at first he simply couldn’t think, then, as Subaru-kun tried to speak and only coughed more blood he realized something was off, something else was wrong and he had failed to notice it in the few seconds of shock that had followed the discovering he wouldn’t be the one who would die that day. Missed. A concept so absurd he hadn’t even considered it because… because that was something that didn’t happen to him. Missed. He had missed the heart. For the first time in his life he had… missed his target, his aim slightly off. Not surprising really, since he hadn’t aimed, sure it wouldn’t be needed to make the spell work and yet, he’d done that so many times he had always assumed he just couldn’t miss, not even if he didn’t aim.
It wouldn’t make an enormous difference, actually it might not make a difference at all but… in that moment he didn’t care. He would have more time to do something. He would use it to keep Subaru-kun alive. A spell was muttered hurriedly, one that wouldn’t save the boy but that could give Seishiro more time and the chance to remove his arms. It wasn’t pleasant. Subaru-kun’s body, freed from it, seemed to slump further, as if the boy was slipping from Seishiro’s grasp and the man hurried to cradle the lithe body close fighting down a wave of nausea and dizziness as Subaru-kun closed his eyes and looked as pale as a corpse, his blood dripping on the concrete, way slower than it should thanks to Seishiro’s spell but dripping anyway. Numbly he saw the Kekkai, Subaru-kun’s Kekkai, fading, and then forced his legs to move, slowly at first in an almost clumsy way, then his body seemed to remember how to move as he broke into a run, racing against time.
Connection
There was pain and burning and light and Subaru quite had no idea why he had opened his eyes. He couldn’t move and he wasn’t sure if he was paralysed or simply too weak to do it. Probably the latter he realized as he blinked in effort to clear his eyesight. Paralysis shouldn’t physically hurt so much. The ceiling over him was an unfamiliar white one or at least it seemed so. His vision was still too blurry and his mind seemed to swam underwater. He might be as well resting in Tokyo Bay gazing at Rainbow Bridge from under the sea. There was a metallic, coppery taste in his mouth and something stuck in his throat and beeping and the sound of other machines next to him and he squeezed his eyes shut and shuddered at the prospect of being still alive as he tried to move, to escape to that living nightmare. He felt the bed shifting as someone leaned on it and a hand caressing his face gently, brushing away his hair.
“Subaru-kun, it’s okay, calm down,” a familiar voice told him and he stilled as he opened his eyes abruptly and tried to form a word.
‘Seishiro-san.’
He couldn’t voice it and his eyesight was too blurry to distinguish the man with absolute clarity, a tall dark haired man that for once wasn’t wearing those horribly eyeglasses, but Subaru didn’t need to see details clearly since he had impressed in his mind Seishiro-san’s features so very long ago. His throat contracted, making even harder to breathe, his body tensing and his pain increasing. The hand, Seishiro-san’s hand, caressed his cheek gently, reassuringly.
“Subaru-kun, calm down,” the man insisted and there was something strained in his tone and Subaru just wished he could ask him how could he keep calm when he was alive, _alive_, his wish so horribly ripped from him when he’d been so close, so very close, so amazingly close… but all he could do was a strangled, whimpering sound.
“Calm down. You’re safe now, calm down,” Seishiro-san repeated and Subaru wondered if the man knew what he was asking from him as he just looked at him and willed himself to not go into hysterics. The hand on his cheek stilled and the man raised himself abruptly, likely planning to abandon him again. Again. After all he did. After denying him his Wish. After he’d been so close… abandoning him… abandoning… abandoned… turning… walking away… away…
Strength he had never known to posses helped him to raise his arm and clumsily brush his fingers against the man’s hand before it was out of his reach, weakly hooking two of his fingers to Seishiro-san’s pinkie in a desperate, yet silent, plea. Seishiro-san stilled, then turned and stared at Subaru’s hand, then at Subaru himself. Subaru stared back, feeling nauseous and worn out. His body throbbed in pain and he wondered if he had been given painkillers, if they had already worn off or if they simply just weren’t enough anymore. Then Seishiro-san took his hand into his and sat down next to him again. Subaru stared at him, trying to force himself to breathe slower because it seemed his lungs refused to work faster and, anyway, each breath was such an explosion of burning pain that the few air he got just didn’t seem to be worth it. However, when he felt Seishiro-san raising his hand and pressing it against his unshaved cheek, nuzzling against it slightly, things seemed to get better.
“I’m here, Subaru-kun. I’m not going to leave,” the man assured and Subaru knew better than to believe it but, right then, it didn’t seem to matter. Seishiro-san was here, nuzzling against his hand and, at the moment, that was enough to make Subaru’s life worth being lived a little longer, Subaru decided as he let his eyes close slowly and slipped again into sleep.
Don’t trust predictions
Seishiro’s routine now constituted simply in being around Subaru-kun. It didn’t quite matter if the boy was asleep or awake since Subaru-kun wasn’t talking to him anyway and, most of the time, Seishiro wasn’t talking to him either. They had nothing to say to each other after all. Sometimes, the few times Subaru-kun was awake, the boy stared at him, sometimes he did not, obstinately gazing elsewhere. It didn’t quite matter. Seishiro would just sit in the chair next to Subaru-kun’s bed with his arms crossed and… nothing. He had not the most remote idea about why he was being here and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the reason anyway. He had chosen Subaru-kun as heir. Subaru-kun didn’t want to kill him and he couldn’t force the boy to kill him using Hokuto-chan’s spell either since the cursed thing _didn’t work_ and to think at it always made him feel very… he had no idea what but it was very unpleasant. And anyway Subaru-kun was confined to bed and doctors didn’t seem to have an idea about when and _if_ he would recover, the world was coming to an end and Seishiro was stuck into a stalemate.
‘The next Sakurazukamori will be the one who kills you.’
‘So I shall be killed as well?’
‘Yes… by the one you love most.’
The statement didn’t make sense. He didn’t love Subaru-kun, he hadn’t picked him up to be the next Sakurazukamori due to some romantic feeling for the boy, even though he had believed it would kill him to just see Subaru-kun dying. He didn’t understand why and it was another thing he didn’t truly wanted to know. He was tired and bored out of his skull and yet couldn’t leave.
Kamui, the Chi no Ryu’s Kamui, had come to visit. Seishiro would have done without it. It hadn’t been a horribly long conversation.
‘He’ll die,’ he had said glancing at Subaru-kun pointedly.
‘He’ll do not,’ he had retorted, glaring at the teen, his hand automatically moving to grab Subaru-kun’s one, as to affirm his ownership of the boy. The other had shrugged.
‘It’s just a matter of time. There’s no strength left in him anymore to sustain him and not even his Wish would do. He knows now you don’t want to fulfil it.’
‘He won’t die. I’ll make sure of it,’ Seishiro had insisted stubbornly as if willing would be enough to make it true. The boy had grinned, as if challenging him to do so and then had shrugged and left as silently as he had come and Seishiro had remained there, to guard Subaru-kun.
A minute more
In the shot times Subaru was awake he was always trying to ponder to his own situation. He was confined in a bed, either asleep or drugged out of his mind to keep the pain to a bearable level. He didn’t think he would survive to all that and didn’t really care. It would be a slow death but it would be caused by Seishiro-san’s blow and that was as close as to fulfil his wish he could get. Subaru wanted to die, he wanted it desperately since he had nothing else to live for and yet, each time he opened his eyes and saw Seishiro-san next to him all his mind could come up was ‘I must last a little longer’. He found very pathetic how, his need for Seishiro-san’s attention, was forcing him to remain in that situation, keeping him one step away from his Wish. In the state he was it would be so easy to close his eyes and never open them again, so easy to say it was all Seishiro-san’s fault, that it was his blow and all he did to destroy Subaru’s life that had killed him, so easy and yet… he only needed to glance at the figure seated next to him to force himself to breathe another time, through the haze of pain each movement caused and that sometimes was enough to make him slip into unconsciousness again.
Peaceful is a very subjective idea
The machine that helped Subaru-kun to breathe was noisy. He had complained over it but, apparently, it couldn’t be replaced with a silent one. He had no idea how Subaru-kun could sleep. Seishiro was finding hard to doze off with that annoying noise in the background but he did anyway. Subaru-kun’s conditions seemed to worsen considerably if he wasn’t there to hold the boy’s hand and, in the state in which Subaru-kun was, Seishiro couldn’t even consider letting him alone. Then, one day the beeping stopped and he sighed in relief as there was finally quiet. Relief didn’t last much as he realized the blissful silence could cause Subaru-kun’s departure. He stood immediately and called the unconscious boy, shook him, called for the nurses the doctors, no one answered, no one, there was only silence a silence of death and… and…
And he lost balance form the chair on which he was dozing and fell unceremoniously on the ground. Hard. He didn’t even noticed it as he pulled himself up and reached for Subaru-kun. Glazed, green eyes half opened slowly and stared at him as if saying ‘Yes? What’s wrong?’ as Seishiro realized the machine was still being as noisy as it usually was. His fingers trailed in the boy’s hair, petting them gently lovingly as he repeated ‘I’m here, Subaru-kun, you’re safe, everything will go well now’, much more to reassure himself than Subaru-kun. Weak fingers reached slowly for him, as if trying to rub him soothingly but managing only to brush him weakly, a ghostlike touch as Subaru-kun tried to swallow and paled some more. With all the earthquakes and injured and everything there wasn’t enough painkillers and, anyway, the doctors were saying that, in Subaru-kun’s conditions, they would make him more damage that good. Seishiro had no idea if they were being sincere or if they were judging them wasted on a boy they expected to die soon.
“It’ll be okay, Subaru-kun, don’t worry,” he repeated, grabbing Subaru-kun’s hand and pulling it close to his mouth, kissing it gently, almost ceremoniously. “I won’t let you die,” he promised and had no idea why Subaru-kun’s eyes seemed to be even more pained.
Two
Subaru had no idea how many days had gone but, in the middle of one of them, he opened his eyes, found himself alone and, as he stared at the ceiling, realized in a moment of absolute clarity, he might in fact get better, he might get out of that hospital alive, he might survive to Rainbow Bridge and his mind screamed ‘NO!’ with all the violence it was capable. It was in that moment he tried to struggle, to free himself from all those cables and tubes and just… die. Die because Seishiro-san had stabbed him and then had carried him to a hospital and then he had left him _alone_, _alone_, _alonealonealone…_
Strong, large hands gripped him, held him still as a familiar voice called for a nurse, a doctor, someone. Subaru stared at Seishiro-san helplessly then tried anyway to struggle in his grasp, as much as his depleted energies allowed him. He ignored the other’s soothing words and gentle touches, ignored everything until he didn’t feel lips resting on his temple. He stilled, his eyes widening and then turning toward Seishiro-san. The man kissed him again and again, his arm moving around him to embrace him as he nuzzled slightly against Subaru. Subaru made a strangled, sobbing sound, eyes filling with tears as he let himself sank into Seishiro-san’s arms. He was completely unaware of doctors and nurses trying to fix the mess he did. He only wanted to feel embraced.
Can’t stop
Seishiro was staring at the window without really seeing it, his fingers rubbing gently Subaru-kun’s hand. He was holding it almost always as if it was a lifeline, as if it was the only thing that kept Subaru-kun in the living world. Each time the boy was awake he would talk to him. Talk. Well, babble really because it wasn’t as if Subaru-kun could reply and he didn’t even seem interested in what Seishiro was saying. However he looked as if he appreciated the sound of Seishiro’s voice and so, each time Subaru-kun was conscious, even if it was merely on the edge between sleep and wakefulness, Seishiro would talk to him and Subaru-kun’s green eyes would stare at him until they would drift shut on their own back into sleep.
‘How long of this life?’ he mused to himself one day after Subaru-kun had just dozed off again. ‘It’s horrible, it’s boring, it’s exhausting and I don’t want to do it any longer,’ his mind whined in a rather childish tone. He turned to look at Subaru-kun accusingly but, as he saw the miserable state the boy was in he wasn’t capable to keep that up. Subaru-kun might have died that day in which he’d left him unsupervised for a moment. Subaru-kun might have died that day on the bridge. Subaru-kun might have died. Subaru-kun could still die and he couldn’t let him unsupervised not even for a second even if he had no idea why only that he bent down on the boy and kissed his forehead again whispering quietly ‘I’m here, Subaru-kun’ and for a second he felt tempted to think Subaru-kun had smiled.
Blissful silence
Miracles happened. The fact he was getting better was one of them the doctor was trying to tell him. Subaru wasn’t listening. He wasn’t making a sound as they were painfully removing that damn tube someone had stuck in his throat, just squeezing Seishiro-san’s hand as hard as he could. Which wasn’t much. He didn’t feel cheered up at the idea he was better. And if Seishiro-san were to leave now that he was feeling better enough to apparently breathe on his own…
The first two breaths he took on his own were hell and he felt near to suffocation and thought ‘I can’t do this, maybe this is just an economic form of euthanasia and everything will end today…’ but the third went a lot more smoothly and so the fourth and the fifth and the sixth and he stopped counting because really, it didn’t matter. It was hard but he could do it and he stared at Seishiro-san’s face, clinging his hand as tightly as he could and… breathing. On his own. Seishiro-san smoothed his hair gently.
“Well,” the man said when they were alone, “I guess this will help conversation.”
Subaru stared at him, wondered what in the world he expected him to say, with all those feeling bubbling inside him and not even one word capable to express them and kept silent.
“Or maybe not,” Seishiro-san amended but his fingers lowered to brush Subaru’s lips gently and Subaru closed his eyes to inhale Seishiro-san’s scent, to try to impress it even better in his memory, and that moment was filled with all those words he couldn’t say.
Stubborness
Ten days after Subaru-kun still had to utter a word and, even if the doctors were looking at the boy worriedly, Seishiro knew it was refusal and not inability. Subaru-kun didn’t feel like talking and therefore wouldn’t talk, not even if Seishiro were to break each bone in his body so he didn’t even try. Subaru-kun could be stubborn and besides he’d never been much of a talker. He was awake more often now and Seishiro kept holding up cheerful conversations on his own, as if the two of them were best friends or something. They weren’t, they had never been and sometimes Seishiro was catching himself staring at those stubbornly closed lips and wish… he didn’t want to know what.
Subaru-kun however was better, would get better and, even if his conditions weren’t good yet, doctors were being optimistic now. Seishiro could leave him, could leave him on his own, there was no need he kept up babysitting him, really, no need at all.
He didn’t move from his position as he kept chattering amiably. After all it wasn’t as if he had something better to do.
Better
The bed was trembling, how odd, was his first thought in the edge between wakefulness and sleep. The next was that someone was that someone was over him and this was enough to make him widen his eyes and try to move.
“Keep still!” Seishiro-san ordered, holding him under himself tightly, painfully and for a panicked moment the boy thought he was about to… Then the bed shook even harder, ‘An earthquake!’ his mind provided as he realized he wasn’t being kept trapped but shielded. His arms moved to cling Seishiro-san, in a desperate attempt to hold, to protect as everything seemed to tremble even more and dust began falling from the ceiling then… it subsided slowly. They remained like that, embraced for a moment then Seishiro-san moved and dust filled Subaru’s abused lugs, causing him to cough immediately. Seishiro-san held him, rubbing his back, murmuring soothing words but Subaru just couldn’t stop coughing. Then lips were pressed against his own and Subaru coughed into the kiss but Seishiro-san didn’t release him, he kept kissing him, kept holding him until… it calmed somehow.
Subaru stared at him when they parted, unable to explain to himself what that was supposed to mean, feeling a bizarre mix of pain and joy that was tearing him apart.
“How are you feeling?” the man asked him, still holding him, looking at him so very intently.
“Better,” he rasped, breathing laboured but steady.
“I’m glad,” he replied before lowering to hug him, settling in his bed as if it was his place. Subaru didn’t comment as he curled into the hold, letting the man cuddle him. Out of the room there was a lot of noise of people screaming, hurt, scared… but inside there was silence, just the sound of two men breathing contently in each other embrace.
Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!
Send me your comments!