Karma and what to do about it.
This is going to be an incredibly difficult post to write, both because I have to own my own shit in it and because the whole situation, start to finish, has been a horrid tale with a few bright spots. I'm trying hard to hold on to those bright spots, but at the moment the entire situation is a bit soul-crushing.
Six years ago, I left Justin. I did so because I was angry and hurt that he'd violated my trust in a major way. I did so by running to Shane, by paying attention to myself more than anyone else in the situation, and I did it, honestly, because I was being a bit crazy at the time and very much a bitch. Justin, quite rightly, divorced me as soon as he could feasibly do so, and amusingly enough the finalization of that divorce was on his birthday. Funny the things you don't forget, isn't it? I have lines from all of the conversations he and I had over it all running through my head every damned day, especially now...one in particular, but I won't share it as I don't believe he wants his words in even as shielded a forum as this post will be read by.
My relationship with Shane was pretty much closed from the beginning. I say pretty much, because even if I wasn't sleeping with him at the time, Mike has been a constant in my life for 21 years now...and he wasn't going away. I tried my hardest to give Shane monogamy, because he had specifically asked for it.
A year and a half into our marriage, he was sexting some chick he knew from our WoW guild. He'd been doing it for a couple of months before I caught a clue, then he swore it wasn't happening and I believed him. Four months later, I caught him when making sure that texts were functioning on his phone (we'd been having issues texting photos at the time). I have to admit that I slapped him...twice. Once when I found out, and the second when I found out he'd been doing it for six months and had lied to me about it.
We had long talks. Sometimes they were good, sometimes they were horrible...but one of the things that never really changed in them was discussion of my body falling apart. At times he said he'd stopped loving be because of it, others he said he could handle it and wanted to stick around. He said he did it because he needed to know what he had to lose.
I let it go, but the fact that I was too broken to love persisted in my head. Some things, once said, never leave you.
Awhile later, I think it was a year or so, he started messing with another guild member online. She liked us both, so when they asked, I said we cold give it a try. Shane didn't get all that close to her other than the the encounters we had together, but I got pretty heavily invested in her.
That was the point where shit fell apart. We lost the apartment, moved to my brother's house in Salem, and because of guild problems and a bit of outside interference, that relationship ended. I asked that we close our relationship again, because it hurt too much. Shane agreed. He spent two years unemployed, trying to go to college, and ended up playing computer games to the point that he flunked out, losing his financial aid.
He'd told me after the sexting debacle that he didn't care whether or not I slept with Mike or Justin. After we moved to Salem and had been there about a year, I started spending a weekend per month in Beaverton. Shane seemed to enjoy the time apart, so I kept doing it. He got a job at Stream, and we started saving to move back to the Portland area. He wanted to go back to Vancouver, but it wasn't workable with him working in Wilsonville, and I needed to be able to get around without him to appointments and such. We started playing a game - Ingress.
About a month and a half ago, he brought a friend home to meet me. Turns out, she wasn't just a friend. They'd been flirting for a couple of months without my knowledge, and their first date was a day he said he was spending with her as a friend playing Ingress. She's a senior at his work, someone he semi-directly worked with. The only reason I found out at all was that he made some comment about her playing with his gun (he has a rubber band gun) and she said she didn't have permission yet. He said he was going to mention it later when he was sure...but they'd already been on a date. I should have known long before that.
Permission wasn't asked, but I gave it...with the stipulation that he tell her about the STD we both have. Five days later, she directly asks if I've given permission. I asked her if he'd told her. She says no, and that it's a deal breaker, and dumps him while we were still talking on facebook. She texted him, apparently. The next day he fast-talks her, saying he's never been diagnosed and so she says that he needs to be and if he's clear, their relationship is a go but she is determined to protect herself and her husband.
Shane, again, didn't tell me this. I went a week thinking she was just his friend while he looked for places to get tested (it didn't occur to him to, you know...actually go to his doctor about it). Again, I find out, and I flip out because I thought it had been settled and done. He gets tested, pops positive for both strains of it (I originally only had one), and she again says it's a deal breaker but they can be friends.
They couldn't stop teasing each other, apparently. It kept going. She got permission from her husband to sleep with Shane (as long as he was on the suppressant), asked me again and again, I gave permission...because Shane told me that to keep our marriage, his relationship with her was non-negotiable. It -would- happen, regardless.
I told him that wasn't polyamory, it was polyfuckery.
She and I kept talking. She was having problems with even the idea of the STD. I tried to reassure her, saying that he'd been taking them. He'd told both of us the same thing, that he had. The following day, I thought to count the pills because at this point, he'd told so many "white lies" to us both that we didn't know when he was telling the truth.
The only pill he'd taken was the one I handed him. I immediately messaged her to let her know, because he'd already bought protection and was talking to her about wanting to have sex even though she wasn't even close to ready yet.
She blew her top, and told him to lose her number and never speak to her again.
He asked me what he'd done. I told him, and he swears that he'd been taking them and if he hadn't, he doesn't know what he was taking. It might have been Rhi's anti-anxiety meds, but Rhi says none are missing. He messaged her, she told me about it and essentially told him to fuck off.
NOW, he wants to work things out. Says he never stopped loving me, but he's bored and wants someone new and different. That he never intended to leave me, though he'd thought about it a few times. Oh, and I'm too disabled to do the things he wants to in bed (or out of it). That both sex and going out to do things was difficult because of it so he has lost a lot of his desire for me. Hence, wanting her. He could spend time in and out of bed doing the things he likes to do, then they could both go home to their spouses sated and happy.
He knew that the entire situation was tearing me apart, more for the dishonesty and the constant rejection of me by him. He cut me off completely until he got tested, just because he wanted a clean bill of health for his girlfriend.
The entire weekend, he's been emotionally dead. He seems to be on a downward spiral, and he's taking me down with him. I know what I need to do...these are not the actions of a man who loves or respects me. I just...*sighs* I love him, even now, and I don't want to kick him while he's down. There's also the financial stuff to consider...Mike says he'll make sure the girls and I are okay, but...my pride is taking a beating on it.
I downloaded the divorce forms on Thursday, the day before she dumped him. I just don't...gah. I don't know if I can bring myself to do it...
In a way, I really do think this is Karma kicking my ass.
Six years ago, I left Justin. I did so because I was angry and hurt that he'd violated my trust in a major way. I did so by running to Shane, by paying attention to myself more than anyone else in the situation, and I did it, honestly, because I was being a bit crazy at the time and very much a bitch. Justin, quite rightly, divorced me as soon as he could feasibly do so, and amusingly enough the finalization of that divorce was on his birthday. Funny the things you don't forget, isn't it? I have lines from all of the conversations he and I had over it all running through my head every damned day, especially now...one in particular, but I won't share it as I don't believe he wants his words in even as shielded a forum as this post will be read by.
My relationship with Shane was pretty much closed from the beginning. I say pretty much, because even if I wasn't sleeping with him at the time, Mike has been a constant in my life for 21 years now...and he wasn't going away. I tried my hardest to give Shane monogamy, because he had specifically asked for it.
A year and a half into our marriage, he was sexting some chick he knew from our WoW guild. He'd been doing it for a couple of months before I caught a clue, then he swore it wasn't happening and I believed him. Four months later, I caught him when making sure that texts were functioning on his phone (we'd been having issues texting photos at the time). I have to admit that I slapped him...twice. Once when I found out, and the second when I found out he'd been doing it for six months and had lied to me about it.
We had long talks. Sometimes they were good, sometimes they were horrible...but one of the things that never really changed in them was discussion of my body falling apart. At times he said he'd stopped loving be because of it, others he said he could handle it and wanted to stick around. He said he did it because he needed to know what he had to lose.
I let it go, but the fact that I was too broken to love persisted in my head. Some things, once said, never leave you.
Awhile later, I think it was a year or so, he started messing with another guild member online. She liked us both, so when they asked, I said we cold give it a try. Shane didn't get all that close to her other than the the encounters we had together, but I got pretty heavily invested in her.
That was the point where shit fell apart. We lost the apartment, moved to my brother's house in Salem, and because of guild problems and a bit of outside interference, that relationship ended. I asked that we close our relationship again, because it hurt too much. Shane agreed. He spent two years unemployed, trying to go to college, and ended up playing computer games to the point that he flunked out, losing his financial aid.
He'd told me after the sexting debacle that he didn't care whether or not I slept with Mike or Justin. After we moved to Salem and had been there about a year, I started spending a weekend per month in Beaverton. Shane seemed to enjoy the time apart, so I kept doing it. He got a job at Stream, and we started saving to move back to the Portland area. He wanted to go back to Vancouver, but it wasn't workable with him working in Wilsonville, and I needed to be able to get around without him to appointments and such. We started playing a game - Ingress.
About a month and a half ago, he brought a friend home to meet me. Turns out, she wasn't just a friend. They'd been flirting for a couple of months without my knowledge, and their first date was a day he said he was spending with her as a friend playing Ingress. She's a senior at his work, someone he semi-directly worked with. The only reason I found out at all was that he made some comment about her playing with his gun (he has a rubber band gun) and she said she didn't have permission yet. He said he was going to mention it later when he was sure...but they'd already been on a date. I should have known long before that.
Permission wasn't asked, but I gave it...with the stipulation that he tell her about the STD we both have. Five days later, she directly asks if I've given permission. I asked her if he'd told her. She says no, and that it's a deal breaker, and dumps him while we were still talking on facebook. She texted him, apparently. The next day he fast-talks her, saying he's never been diagnosed and so she says that he needs to be and if he's clear, their relationship is a go but she is determined to protect herself and her husband.
Shane, again, didn't tell me this. I went a week thinking she was just his friend while he looked for places to get tested (it didn't occur to him to, you know...actually go to his doctor about it). Again, I find out, and I flip out because I thought it had been settled and done. He gets tested, pops positive for both strains of it (I originally only had one), and she again says it's a deal breaker but they can be friends.
They couldn't stop teasing each other, apparently. It kept going. She got permission from her husband to sleep with Shane (as long as he was on the suppressant), asked me again and again, I gave permission...because Shane told me that to keep our marriage, his relationship with her was non-negotiable. It -would- happen, regardless.
I told him that wasn't polyamory, it was polyfuckery.
She and I kept talking. She was having problems with even the idea of the STD. I tried to reassure her, saying that he'd been taking them. He'd told both of us the same thing, that he had. The following day, I thought to count the pills because at this point, he'd told so many "white lies" to us both that we didn't know when he was telling the truth.
The only pill he'd taken was the one I handed him. I immediately messaged her to let her know, because he'd already bought protection and was talking to her about wanting to have sex even though she wasn't even close to ready yet.
She blew her top, and told him to lose her number and never speak to her again.
He asked me what he'd done. I told him, and he swears that he'd been taking them and if he hadn't, he doesn't know what he was taking. It might have been Rhi's anti-anxiety meds, but Rhi says none are missing. He messaged her, she told me about it and essentially told him to fuck off.
NOW, he wants to work things out. Says he never stopped loving me, but he's bored and wants someone new and different. That he never intended to leave me, though he'd thought about it a few times. Oh, and I'm too disabled to do the things he wants to in bed (or out of it). That both sex and going out to do things was difficult because of it so he has lost a lot of his desire for me. Hence, wanting her. He could spend time in and out of bed doing the things he likes to do, then they could both go home to their spouses sated and happy.
He knew that the entire situation was tearing me apart, more for the dishonesty and the constant rejection of me by him. He cut me off completely until he got tested, just because he wanted a clean bill of health for his girlfriend.
The entire weekend, he's been emotionally dead. He seems to be on a downward spiral, and he's taking me down with him. I know what I need to do...these are not the actions of a man who loves or respects me. I just...*sighs* I love him, even now, and I don't want to kick him while he's down. There's also the financial stuff to consider...Mike says he'll make sure the girls and I are okay, but...my pride is taking a beating on it.
I downloaded the divorce forms on Thursday, the day before she dumped him. I just don't...gah. I don't know if I can bring myself to do it...
In a way, I really do think this is Karma kicking my ass.