Nosebleed

[jiriayawhitney]

Title: Nosebleed
Rating: R
Author: JiriayaWhitney
Characters/Pairing/s: Tsunayoshi Sawada, Gokudera Hayato, Yamamoto Takeshi, OC, 5927, OC80
Warning/s: Crack, nervousness, abuse of timeskips, lame jokes (if you squint), nosebleeds
Disclaimer: KHR isn't mine. Excuse me while I cry (hey, that almost rhymed)
Summary: A bi-gay club on the other side of town

Comments

[gokulex59]

Sorry, disliked it. It would be better if Jyuudaime were bi. I'll tell you why, it felt like he is at start, or else why would an yaoi author talk about bisexuals too. If I haven't gotten an idea like this, it wouldn't disappoint me, I know that.

A dirty Jyuudaime is a nice idea. Cuz I think of him like that in my mind. But he is dirty with GIRLS. Because only guy he can be dirty with Gokudera but Goku is mine :) Jyuudaime was with Alyssa at first, then that bitch cheated Jyuudaime and Jyuudaime has gotten "a lil'bit" crazy forever 3:) It continues but I don't want you to get bored, since this is MY story and here I'm commenting to yours. The point is that I just love a dirty-minded Jyuudaime so I enjoyed this until the bedroom scene.

But I couldn't enjoy the bedroom scene, cuz I was thinking about that "blue eyes" thing and some voice in my mind was reminding me Goku with Sistema C.A.I. and giving me a little hope but I wasn't sure, so I was scared all the time, and begging "Please Gokudera, if you aren't that guy, please come somehow and stop them!!" But we learnt he really was Gokudera so until then the sex scene disgusted me. When we learnt he was Gokudera, I was crying without tears because of the happiness - and screaming silently cuz my parents are sleeping.

"Let's go an a date right now" thing was a little bit absurd, sorry. But think about it, they were all ashamed and there has to be some time that they were hardly daring to talk to each other or completely acting like nothing has happened until they decided to the first date >.> Or they would go on a date after club like you had them to, but they became a lovey-dovey couple SO FAST.

And why did you get Yamamoto involve this? It sounds like "Yeah, Totally Captivated is right, all mafia is gay, sorry girls.(LOL JK, not sorry at all)" Okay, you did, but why is his boyfriend uncertain who is it. I know it's certain but only you really know him. I hope you've understood here I'm just jealous.

The real point in my mind is, the first part, until Jyuudaime meets a guy while dancing, so slow. I enjoyed reading it but slow. And then, it suddenly became so fast that I couldn't have the romance at all. I like yaoi with full of emotions.

I know all my critisms are so subjective. It's just what the story is you can answer them all like "Cuz I wanted so." and you'll be right. And I hope you didn't get angry at me. Cuz I didn't mean to make you mad, or kinda hurt you or something, just wanted to tell you my opinion ^^ You know it better, there is always at least one person who dislikes something while most of the people loves that thing :) I'm asking you again, please don't huff me ^^"

[jiriayawhitney]

Honestly, I'm really glad you disliked it, mainly because I dislike it for the same reasons you have given me. Ifi could redo it, I would do it in a heartbeat. It would be much longer and it would explain things better and not be so rushed. (I don't know how I feel about the silent-tears-of-joy part though; should I be happy?) and the Yamamoto thing was just so that he wouldn't be left out, though it's always just been like wtf to me. Honestly, I'm sorry this reply is so short but I thank you for taking the time to reply to the story, especially with one that long. :3 it was my first attempt at a one-shot, which obviously I'm not very good at (so established by the 25-some chapter long fix that was only supposed to be 3 to 6 chapters--that worked out wonderfully).

[gokulex59]

I can't find the words to tell how I'm relaxed now 8D Especially that "...I dislike it for the same reasons you have given me." xD Cuz that sentence made me think of we really are alike about at least one point and I love finding people who thinks the same as me ^^ I didn't meant to write that long, the words have... just suddenly come out :D

It's your first?! My thoughts about the story hasn't changed at all, but your wording is pretty good, and you wrote it in English!! And the subject was okay too, don't get me wrong, I think almost all of unusual subjects are cool. I don't like reading ordinary stuff.

I write fanfictions too but
1) they are not yaoi at all
2) it's easier to tell what do I want if I write in my language, and hard to translate it into English D:
I had decided to write an English fanfic, doesn't important yaoi or not, but then all the ideas that always kicks my mind have stopped and in the end, there's no new work even in my language __||| The reason why I said these is, I wanted to write a prove to you write actually good. (You already know I read your other fanfic too, that's probably why these critisims has suddenly become positive 8D)

I guess long reply again. Sorry ^^"