Somebody's Heartbreak (7/?)
Index: 0 | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05
Lessons learned, bridges burned to the ground,
And it's too late now to put out the fire - "Crawling Back To You" by Daughtry
Kyungsoo wakes up to the smell of pancakes. Suddenly he is back to last fall when this all started. He is back to their first time, to all the doubts withering in the heat of the moment, self-respect breaking with every one of Jongin’s needy requests, with every harsh breath against each other’s mouth. His body flashes hot and cold at the same time. There is a heavy feeling in his chest because he is still wrapped in Jongin’s bed sheets, and he smells the faint cologne and musk that is so distinctly…Jongin.
He struggles to sit up but the bed is tilting at an odd angle, and he can’t seem to find the right away up. Inhale, exhale, inhale…
“Kyungsoo?” His name is said with uncertainty. Then more urgently, “Kyungsoo!”
He slowly lifts his eyes to Jongin’s face, “Hm? What?”
“You’re shaking.”
He can’t speak. He can only gulp in breaths, eyes watering from the effort. Jongin smells like shampoo and a warm shower. The pancakes are chocolate chip - it’s Baekhyun’s specialty - he knows this from the time he stayed with Baekhyun and Chanyeol when he was studying for finals, when he first tried to cut Jongin from his life. Kyungsoo is so relieved, nose inhaling the sweet chocolate aroma. One, two, three…
“Jesus, Kyungsoo. Hold on, I’ll get Chanyeol.”
Kyungsoo makes a blind grab and hopes that it’s Jongin, he shakes his head. He doesn’t want his best friend to see him like this. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this. He can do it - has done it before - he can calm himself down. He just has to breathe.
This isn’t like the other times. He and Jongin didn’t have sex; he won’t have to brave a smile while Jongin introduces him to yet another girl. This time it’s different. He is different. Kyungsoo has come a long way - and he doesn’t plan on going back.
It seems like hours. But finally Kyungsoo regains control of his fingers enough to let go of the blanket. He’s sitting up against the bed frame now, empty pillowcase in one hand (he doesn’t remember how that got there). When he no longer has to gulp in air, he gives Jongin a shaky smile.
This isn’t like the other times. Jongin didn’t leave him to make some pancakes as a lame apology, and Kyungsoo doesn’t have to run away from the situation. He can deal with it this time.
“It’s the pancakes,” he says, hoping it’s enough of an explanation.
Jongin looks confused for a moment, and then it dawns on him. “Is this what…it’s like every time?”
“Some days are better.”
.
They don’t speak at breakfast. Kyungsoo feels Jongin’s eyes on him, contemplative and quiet. He is grateful for Chanyeol and Baekhyun, both of whom seem to never run out of hilarious stories. Kyungsoo hears Jongin’s chuckles beside him and small comments being made every now and then, but he doesn’t know what to say so Kyungsoo just stares at the chocolate chip pancakes and hopes no one notices the slight trembles from his hand.
“Kyungsoo and I are going to take a walk,” Baekhyun announces when everyone’s finished. “You guys can clean up.”
Chanyeol pouts, “Hey, I cooked.”
“All you did was pour in all of the chips.”
“Yeah, but -” Chanyeol pauses when Baekhyun gives him a leveled stare. “Fine.”
“We’ll be back,” Baekhyun says to Jongin. He ignores his boyfriend’s puckered lips on the way out of the door.
.
They don’t go very far, just to the small courtyard attached to the dorm where students go to study. There isn’t anyone else out this early and Kyungsoo is thankful for the silence.
“Are you okay?” Baekhyun finally asks when they’ve walked far enough from the building to truly feel alone.
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo keeps his head down. “Thanks for offering to sleep over.”
“I…heard Jongin this morning.” Baekhyun doesn’t give up. “He sounded like he was in a panic. Look, if something happened, I’m here for you.”
“Did Chanyeol…”
“No, he was in the shower.”
Kyungsoo breathes a sigh of relief. “Good.”
“Look, I promise not to tell him anything because I know how he gets, but I need you to talk to me, Kyungsoo.”
“It’s the pancakes.”
Kyungsoo chuckles darkly at the absurdity. It’s the second time he’s had to say that phrase in such a grave tone, like the pancakes is the name of some murderous villain. Jongin hadn’t questioned it because he had understood, but Kyungsoo is afraid of what Baekhyun would say.
“Go on,” Baekhyun encourages, his expression neutral.
“Jongin and I didn’t always hook up,” Kyungsoo says slowly, kicking at pebbles as he walks. “I know Luhan thinks we were always going at it, but we didn’t - just when Jongin would hear from his mom. He just gets…so sad and I don’t know - those times I just couldn’t say no.”
“I’d do anything for Chanyeol,” Baekhyun utters when Kyungsoo stops talking to collect his thoughts. “Even if I know it’s a bad idea.”
Kyungsoo nods before he continues, “Yeah. And it’s like clockwork - phone call from Mom, get trashed, fuck Kyungsoo, make pancakes, and get a new girlfriend. That’s Jongin’s routine. And I should be used to it all by now, but I’m not. So this morning…”
“When we made the pancakes.”
“I just freaked. I think it’s because it’s been so long. I just woke up to an empty bed - to Jongin’s empty bed - and when I smelled the pancakes, it was like everything happening all over again. I felt so abandoned all over again.” Kyungsoo finishes, “Just like all those other times. It’s like I haven’t made any progress. I’m back at square one.”
“You’re not at square one,” Baekhyun encourages with a gentle smile and soothing fingers running down Kyungsoo’s back. “You’re getting stronger. It’s not going to be easy, I don’t know how you guys fell into this routine but you’re fighting it.”
And Kyungsoo knows that this is true; he’s told himself the same thing earlier this morning, but somehow it sounds more convincing coming from someone else. He mentally gives Baekhyun another point; by this time he is pretty sure Baekhyun is too good for Chanyeol.
“I tell myself the same thing,” Kyungsoo admits, voice going quiet. “But it doesn’t always hold up at night.”
Baekhyun doesn’t answer for a moment. When he finally vocalizes his thoughts, it’s slow, like he is gathering the words as he speaks. “Don’t think. Just tell me - how do you feel? Right now.”
Kyungsoo scrubs at his face, “I’m tired.”
“Sounds like you’re ready to let him go.”
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo feels it, like the fog has cleared up and he can see clearer. “But it won’t be easy.”
.
“I messed up,” Jongin tells Chanyeol over coffee. They’re waiting for Baekhyun and Kyungsoo to come back; dishes thrown into the dishwasher because they were both too lazy to do the dishes manually. Jongin can hear the low hum of the wash cycle as he checks the time on the clock hung over the microwave. Kyungsoo has been gone awhile.
“Yep,” Chanyeol says.
“You should’ve seen him,” Jongin’s staring at his cup of coffee like it holds some kind of answer to whatever going on in his brain. “I did that. He is traumatized, because of me.”
Chanyeol keeps quiet because he doesn’t have the answer to whatever dilemma that is running through Jongin’s brain. Jongin told him everything after Baekhyun and Kyungsoo left, about how he had found Kyungsoo this morning - hyperventilating and trembling on the bed.
“I just feel so guilty. There is nothing I can even say,” Jongin continues. “What is there to say? How do you even apologize for messing up someone’s life?”
Chanyeol knows this thing between Kyungsoo and Jongin has been dragging on for a while. Out of best friend duty, he wants to lock Kyungsoo away in a tower, far away from Jongin, but he knows that’s not going to fix the problem. As much as it pains him to admit, he does think Jongin and Kyungsoo are better together. So he just has to have faith that Jongin will figure things out.
“How do you and Baekhyun do it? How do you make it work?”
Chanyeol contemplates some elaborate answer about mutual love and faith. But he thinks it’s better to be honest. “Hard work. I know they say relationships should come easily, but they don’t. It’s a transaction - how much are you investing versus how much you are getting back.”
“Isn’t it supposed to be magical?”
“The magic only lasts for so long, Jongin. Then you have to decide if it’s worth keeping.”
“I thought about us last night.”
Chanyeol chuckles, “I’m flattered but I’m happily taken.”
“As if,” Jongin makes a weak attempt at kicking his friend from under the table. “I thought about what it’d be like if Kyungsoo and I turn boring and gross like you and Baekhyun.”
“And?”
“And I don’t think it’d be too bad.”
Chanyeol salutes Jongin with his mug of coffee.
.
It’s a long time before they start heading back to the dorm. Kyungsoo isn’t sure what to say when he sees Jongin again. He knows he has to explain what happened earlier that morning - but he isn’t sure if he is ready to vocalize it all out loud.
“Are you going to keep being friends?” Baekhyun asks when they are almost at Jongin’s door.
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says. “I want to. I think even though I said I’d move on before, I was still waiting for something to happen. That’s why I came back from break early with Sehun. But I know nothing is going to happen now.”
“His loss,” Baekhyun agrees, and then he smirks. “Yixing seems nice.”
“And very much in love with his girlfriend,” Kyungsoo laughs.
Baekhyun shrugs, “Oh, well. We’ll find you somebody.”
“Thanks, Baek,” Kyungsoo says. “Really. Thank you.”
“What are friends for,” Baekhyun replies cheerily.
And Kyungsoo is really thankful. He doesn’t know how he would’ve gotten through the past couple of months without Chanyeol and Baekhyun. Kyungsoo knows that it’s Chanyeol’s constant big brother attitude that pushes Kyungsoo through all the self-loathing sessions with melted ice cream and clichéd movies, and Baekhyun’s bits of advice that keep him rooted to what matters. Words aren’t enough to repay both of them.
Jongin jumps out of his seat as soon as the door opens. He gives Kyungsoo a long stare, tentative. “Hey, how are you?”
“Good, I just needed some fresh air,” Kyungsoo says, “Are you okay?” Are we okay?
“Never better.”
Chanyeol coughs indiscreetly. “Baek and I need to head back. Right, baby?”
Baekhyun studies his boyfriend for a long moment before nodding, “Oh yeah. We have to go do that thing…today.”
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes because subtlety is not their forte. “Wait, I’ll go with you,” he moves quickly across the living room. “I just need to grab some things.”
“Stay,” Jongin follows Kyungsoo into his bedroom, standing by the door. “We need to talk.”
But Kyungsoo doesn’t want to wait. “I need to get back, too. It’s easier to catch a ride back with Chanyeol and Baekhyun.”
“Please, I need to tell you something.” Jongin looks nervous, hands buried in his jean pockets. He is giving Kyungsoo a wounded puppy look, complete with big eyes and pouty lips. There is a giddy energy to Jongin’s whole person, intermingled with trepidation. He looks like he is holding onto a big secret. He looks like…someone who is about to confess to someone they like.
Kyungsoo feels his heart speeding up because what if…but he shuts down those hopeful feelings rising to the surface because this is Jongin and there is no way. All the more reason to get out of here.
“Not now, Jongin.”
He pushes Jongin aside and leaves with his friends. Kyungsoo doesn’t look back, not this time. No more kisses for the road, no more lingering wishes. Not anymore.
Lessons learned, bridges burned to the ground,
And it's too late now to put out the fire - "Crawling Back To You" by Daughtry
Kyungsoo wakes up to the smell of pancakes. Suddenly he is back to last fall when this all started. He is back to their first time, to all the doubts withering in the heat of the moment, self-respect breaking with every one of Jongin’s needy requests, with every harsh breath against each other’s mouth. His body flashes hot and cold at the same time. There is a heavy feeling in his chest because he is still wrapped in Jongin’s bed sheets, and he smells the faint cologne and musk that is so distinctly…Jongin.
He struggles to sit up but the bed is tilting at an odd angle, and he can’t seem to find the right away up. Inhale, exhale, inhale…
“Kyungsoo?” His name is said with uncertainty. Then more urgently, “Kyungsoo!”
He slowly lifts his eyes to Jongin’s face, “Hm? What?”
“You’re shaking.”
He can’t speak. He can only gulp in breaths, eyes watering from the effort. Jongin smells like shampoo and a warm shower. The pancakes are chocolate chip - it’s Baekhyun’s specialty - he knows this from the time he stayed with Baekhyun and Chanyeol when he was studying for finals, when he first tried to cut Jongin from his life. Kyungsoo is so relieved, nose inhaling the sweet chocolate aroma. One, two, three…
“Jesus, Kyungsoo. Hold on, I’ll get Chanyeol.”
Kyungsoo makes a blind grab and hopes that it’s Jongin, he shakes his head. He doesn’t want his best friend to see him like this. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this. He can do it - has done it before - he can calm himself down. He just has to breathe.
This isn’t like the other times. He and Jongin didn’t have sex; he won’t have to brave a smile while Jongin introduces him to yet another girl. This time it’s different. He is different. Kyungsoo has come a long way - and he doesn’t plan on going back.
It seems like hours. But finally Kyungsoo regains control of his fingers enough to let go of the blanket. He’s sitting up against the bed frame now, empty pillowcase in one hand (he doesn’t remember how that got there). When he no longer has to gulp in air, he gives Jongin a shaky smile.
This isn’t like the other times. Jongin didn’t leave him to make some pancakes as a lame apology, and Kyungsoo doesn’t have to run away from the situation. He can deal with it this time.
“It’s the pancakes,” he says, hoping it’s enough of an explanation.
Jongin looks confused for a moment, and then it dawns on him. “Is this what…it’s like every time?”
“Some days are better.”
.
They don’t speak at breakfast. Kyungsoo feels Jongin’s eyes on him, contemplative and quiet. He is grateful for Chanyeol and Baekhyun, both of whom seem to never run out of hilarious stories. Kyungsoo hears Jongin’s chuckles beside him and small comments being made every now and then, but he doesn’t know what to say so Kyungsoo just stares at the chocolate chip pancakes and hopes no one notices the slight trembles from his hand.
“Kyungsoo and I are going to take a walk,” Baekhyun announces when everyone’s finished. “You guys can clean up.”
Chanyeol pouts, “Hey, I cooked.”
“All you did was pour in all of the chips.”
“Yeah, but -” Chanyeol pauses when Baekhyun gives him a leveled stare. “Fine.”
“We’ll be back,” Baekhyun says to Jongin. He ignores his boyfriend’s puckered lips on the way out of the door.
.
They don’t go very far, just to the small courtyard attached to the dorm where students go to study. There isn’t anyone else out this early and Kyungsoo is thankful for the silence.
“Are you okay?” Baekhyun finally asks when they’ve walked far enough from the building to truly feel alone.
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo keeps his head down. “Thanks for offering to sleep over.”
“I…heard Jongin this morning.” Baekhyun doesn’t give up. “He sounded like he was in a panic. Look, if something happened, I’m here for you.”
“Did Chanyeol…”
“No, he was in the shower.”
Kyungsoo breathes a sigh of relief. “Good.”
“Look, I promise not to tell him anything because I know how he gets, but I need you to talk to me, Kyungsoo.”
“It’s the pancakes.”
Kyungsoo chuckles darkly at the absurdity. It’s the second time he’s had to say that phrase in such a grave tone, like the pancakes is the name of some murderous villain. Jongin hadn’t questioned it because he had understood, but Kyungsoo is afraid of what Baekhyun would say.
“Go on,” Baekhyun encourages, his expression neutral.
“Jongin and I didn’t always hook up,” Kyungsoo says slowly, kicking at pebbles as he walks. “I know Luhan thinks we were always going at it, but we didn’t - just when Jongin would hear from his mom. He just gets…so sad and I don’t know - those times I just couldn’t say no.”
“I’d do anything for Chanyeol,” Baekhyun utters when Kyungsoo stops talking to collect his thoughts. “Even if I know it’s a bad idea.”
Kyungsoo nods before he continues, “Yeah. And it’s like clockwork - phone call from Mom, get trashed, fuck Kyungsoo, make pancakes, and get a new girlfriend. That’s Jongin’s routine. And I should be used to it all by now, but I’m not. So this morning…”
“When we made the pancakes.”
“I just freaked. I think it’s because it’s been so long. I just woke up to an empty bed - to Jongin’s empty bed - and when I smelled the pancakes, it was like everything happening all over again. I felt so abandoned all over again.” Kyungsoo finishes, “Just like all those other times. It’s like I haven’t made any progress. I’m back at square one.”
“You’re not at square one,” Baekhyun encourages with a gentle smile and soothing fingers running down Kyungsoo’s back. “You’re getting stronger. It’s not going to be easy, I don’t know how you guys fell into this routine but you’re fighting it.”
And Kyungsoo knows that this is true; he’s told himself the same thing earlier this morning, but somehow it sounds more convincing coming from someone else. He mentally gives Baekhyun another point; by this time he is pretty sure Baekhyun is too good for Chanyeol.
“I tell myself the same thing,” Kyungsoo admits, voice going quiet. “But it doesn’t always hold up at night.”
Baekhyun doesn’t answer for a moment. When he finally vocalizes his thoughts, it’s slow, like he is gathering the words as he speaks. “Don’t think. Just tell me - how do you feel? Right now.”
Kyungsoo scrubs at his face, “I’m tired.”
“Sounds like you’re ready to let him go.”
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo feels it, like the fog has cleared up and he can see clearer. “But it won’t be easy.”
.
“I messed up,” Jongin tells Chanyeol over coffee. They’re waiting for Baekhyun and Kyungsoo to come back; dishes thrown into the dishwasher because they were both too lazy to do the dishes manually. Jongin can hear the low hum of the wash cycle as he checks the time on the clock hung over the microwave. Kyungsoo has been gone awhile.
“Yep,” Chanyeol says.
“You should’ve seen him,” Jongin’s staring at his cup of coffee like it holds some kind of answer to whatever going on in his brain. “I did that. He is traumatized, because of me.”
Chanyeol keeps quiet because he doesn’t have the answer to whatever dilemma that is running through Jongin’s brain. Jongin told him everything after Baekhyun and Kyungsoo left, about how he had found Kyungsoo this morning - hyperventilating and trembling on the bed.
“I just feel so guilty. There is nothing I can even say,” Jongin continues. “What is there to say? How do you even apologize for messing up someone’s life?”
Chanyeol knows this thing between Kyungsoo and Jongin has been dragging on for a while. Out of best friend duty, he wants to lock Kyungsoo away in a tower, far away from Jongin, but he knows that’s not going to fix the problem. As much as it pains him to admit, he does think Jongin and Kyungsoo are better together. So he just has to have faith that Jongin will figure things out.
“How do you and Baekhyun do it? How do you make it work?”
Chanyeol contemplates some elaborate answer about mutual love and faith. But he thinks it’s better to be honest. “Hard work. I know they say relationships should come easily, but they don’t. It’s a transaction - how much are you investing versus how much you are getting back.”
“Isn’t it supposed to be magical?”
“The magic only lasts for so long, Jongin. Then you have to decide if it’s worth keeping.”
“I thought about us last night.”
Chanyeol chuckles, “I’m flattered but I’m happily taken.”
“As if,” Jongin makes a weak attempt at kicking his friend from under the table. “I thought about what it’d be like if Kyungsoo and I turn boring and gross like you and Baekhyun.”
“And?”
“And I don’t think it’d be too bad.”
Chanyeol salutes Jongin with his mug of coffee.
.
It’s a long time before they start heading back to the dorm. Kyungsoo isn’t sure what to say when he sees Jongin again. He knows he has to explain what happened earlier that morning - but he isn’t sure if he is ready to vocalize it all out loud.
“Are you going to keep being friends?” Baekhyun asks when they are almost at Jongin’s door.
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says. “I want to. I think even though I said I’d move on before, I was still waiting for something to happen. That’s why I came back from break early with Sehun. But I know nothing is going to happen now.”
“His loss,” Baekhyun agrees, and then he smirks. “Yixing seems nice.”
“And very much in love with his girlfriend,” Kyungsoo laughs.
Baekhyun shrugs, “Oh, well. We’ll find you somebody.”
“Thanks, Baek,” Kyungsoo says. “Really. Thank you.”
“What are friends for,” Baekhyun replies cheerily.
And Kyungsoo is really thankful. He doesn’t know how he would’ve gotten through the past couple of months without Chanyeol and Baekhyun. Kyungsoo knows that it’s Chanyeol’s constant big brother attitude that pushes Kyungsoo through all the self-loathing sessions with melted ice cream and clichéd movies, and Baekhyun’s bits of advice that keep him rooted to what matters. Words aren’t enough to repay both of them.
Jongin jumps out of his seat as soon as the door opens. He gives Kyungsoo a long stare, tentative. “Hey, how are you?”
“Good, I just needed some fresh air,” Kyungsoo says, “Are you okay?” Are we okay?
“Never better.”
Chanyeol coughs indiscreetly. “Baek and I need to head back. Right, baby?”
Baekhyun studies his boyfriend for a long moment before nodding, “Oh yeah. We have to go do that thing…today.”
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes because subtlety is not their forte. “Wait, I’ll go with you,” he moves quickly across the living room. “I just need to grab some things.”
“Stay,” Jongin follows Kyungsoo into his bedroom, standing by the door. “We need to talk.”
But Kyungsoo doesn’t want to wait. “I need to get back, too. It’s easier to catch a ride back with Chanyeol and Baekhyun.”
“Please, I need to tell you something.” Jongin looks nervous, hands buried in his jean pockets. He is giving Kyungsoo a wounded puppy look, complete with big eyes and pouty lips. There is a giddy energy to Jongin’s whole person, intermingled with trepidation. He looks like he is holding onto a big secret. He looks like…someone who is about to confess to someone they like.
Kyungsoo feels his heart speeding up because what if…but he shuts down those hopeful feelings rising to the surface because this is Jongin and there is no way. All the more reason to get out of here.
“Not now, Jongin.”
He pushes Jongin aside and leaves with his friends. Kyungsoo doesn’t look back, not this time. No more kisses for the road, no more lingering wishes. Not anymore.