Forgive Me: Onew/Key; NC-17, part 1
Title: Forgive Me
Author: mimi_oly
Rating: NC-17 (for theme, explicit sexual content)
Pairing/Focus: Onew/Key
Word count: 8200
Genre: Drama, smut
Summary: Jinki comes home drunk and takes what he wants from Kibum. There are repercussions for this violation.
Squick/trigger warnings: Issues of consent and control relating to sex (not a torrid BDSM fic, but I don't want anyone to be uncomfortably surprised).
a/n: dedicated to fantomistress, for putting up with my late night trolling, wishunew for perhaps subconsciously inspiring the topic of consent, and linnhe for the fabulous pics of Key.
*****
With Kyuhyun propping him up on one side and Joon on the other, Jinki managed (third time’s the charm) to punch in the right code to open the front door to his apartment.
“There ya go,” Joon announced, pushing Jinki over the threshold.
“Good luck with the hangover,” Kyuhyun snickered as he pulled the door closed behind his dongsaeng.
Jinki leaned back against the door and removed his shoes, trying his best not to awaken anyone who might have already been asleep. The soju in his system made him feel giggly, but he padded silently down the hallway until he was blocked by a pair of feet in fluffy pink socks.
Jinki let his gaze move upward from the silly socks to a fuzzy, shapely pair of legs, an oversized T-shirt, an exposed collar bone (and a smooth, creamy shoulder), and finally, Kibum’s placid face. The younger man’s expression was inscrutable.
“Dinner with Kyuhyun?” Kibum inquired quietly.
“And Chan…Chang…Joon,” Jinki answered with a satisfied smile.
“And drinks?”
“Yup,” Jinki giggled, nodding.
“Okay, then, let’s get some water in you.” Kibum’s hand was soft and warm on Jinki’s wrist as he pulled his hyung into the kitchen.
Jinki watched Kibum reach up to the cupboard for a water glass, his eyes settling on the hem of Kibum’s T-shirt, which had come to rest on the top of his butt, revealing his tiny red briefs.
He’s teasing me on purpose, Jinki thought. Coming out to greet me at this hour, in that get up. He’s practically throwing himself at me.
Jinki accepted the glass of water from Kibum, who watched him gulp it down. When Kibum took the glass back to the sink, Jinki moved in behind him, circling his arms around Kibum’s slim waist, his nose pressed hard against the crook of Kibum’s neck.
“You smell so good,” Jinki muttered softly against Kibum’s skin, inhaling deeply.
“Hyung, what are you doing?”
“I want you,” Jinki all but growled, surprising them both.
“Oh, gawd…” Kibum breathed, suddenly trembling in Jinki’s arms.
Keeping one arm around Kibum’s waist, pulling him into his growing erection, Jinki sent the other hand down the front of Kibum’s thigh, and back up to cup and then squeeze his firm, round ass.
“I can’t keep my hands off you,” he whispered desperately.
“Please…not here.”
“Right…bedroom.” Jinki scooped Kibum up as if he were weightless and carried him down the hallway to their bedroom.
Jinki gently lowered Kibum onto his bed, crawled between Kibum’s legs, and hungrily looked down at the man under him.
“You’re so gorgeous,” he gushed. “I need you so bad,” he added as he dropped his head to kiss Kibum’s neck. He worked his way up to Kibum’s jaw before brushing their lips together, nibbling and sucking until Kibum clutched Jinki’s shoulders and whimpered, Kibum’s mouth finally yielding to Jinki’s invasion.
There was a frenzy of hands on skin as clothes were hastily tossed aside. Jinki had Kibum pinned to the bed; every inch of Kibum’s skin was so delicious in his mouth that Jinki wanted to eat him alive.
Kibum struggled to reach something in the nightstand drawer.
“If you’re really gonna go through with it, you’ll have to use this,” Jinki heard through a haze as a small bottle was pressed into his hand.
Jinki squinted to read the label on the bottle, and then slathered them both in the cold, slick fluid before pushing into Kibum. He could feel the blood pounding in his ears as the heat and sensation of skin on skin overwhelmed his senses. He thrust wildly against the smaller man groaning beneath him, and the pleasure and stimulation were like nothing he’d ever experienced.
As his ecstasy neared its peak, Jinki heard a far off voice cry out, “Hyung, what are you doing to me?”
* * * * *
Jinki’s head was pounding and his mouth felt as if he’d eaten cotton balls. He cautiously pushed his head off the pillow and peeled open his stinging eyes, only to be met by a glaring maknae.
“Hyung, you wanna tell me why you and Kibum hyung switched beds last night?” Taemin asked. Jinki wasn’t sure which made his head throb worse, the volume of the words or their meaning.
“I mean, I can handle your snoring when it comes from the far side of the room, but not when it’s only a meter from my head. And jeez, what was going on in here last night? Were you guys fighting? I was in the computer room with my headphones on and I could still hear Kibum hyung yelling.”
Bile rising in his throat, images came flooding into Jinki’s consciousness. He bolted for the toilet, not realizing until he finished retching that he was naked. He reached for his toothbrush and caught his reflection in the mirror; there were fingernail marks on his shoulders and long scratches down his back. He noticed a particular crustiness of uncertain origin in his pubic hair and then found himself face first in the toilet again as the complete picture of the previous night incriminated him from within his own head.
“Hyung, what are you doing?” Kibum’s desperate words gnawed his brain like a song on repeat, accusing him over and over of an offense Jinki had never thought himself capable of committing.
His heart heavy with guilt, Jinki climbed into the shower. No matter how hard he scrubbed, he still felt dirty.
Dreading a confrontation, and clueless about what he could possibly say to Kibum to repair their relationship, Jinki warily entered the kitchen.
“Wow, hyung, I can’t believe you’re showing your face,” Jonghyun snorted. “You guys must’ve had some night.”
Jinki felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Had Kibum reported the sordid attack to Jonghyun?
“I was supposed to meet Kyuhyun hyung to work on a song, but he just now texted me to cancel. Too hung over,” Jonghyun elaborated, obviously feeling put out. “I could’ve slept late,” he added, glaring in Jinki’s direction.
Relieved that Jonghyun seemed as ignorant as Taemin, Jinki tried to summon the courage to face Kibum, who chose that moment to move into Jinki’s peripheral vision. Jinki tried to catch Kibum’s eye, but Kibum kept his gaze on the attractively prepared bowl of yachaejuk he was carefully setting at Jinki’s place at the table.
“Speaking of hangovers,” Kibum said quietly, “this should help.” He turned away without meeting Jinki’s eyes.
Jinki and Kibum seemed to dance around each other for the rest of the day. Jinki would wait to catch Kibum alone, only to be joined each time by another member in front of the TV, in the kitchen, in the computer room, or on the way to the bathroom.
“Hyung, you feeling okay?” asked Minho when Jinki stuck his head into the computer room for the third time. “You seem on edge today.”
“I’m all right,” Jinki mumbled. “Maybe I’m a little woozy still … and I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
An hour later Jinki found himself alone on the sofa not with Kibum, but Jonghyun.
“What’s going on with you and Kibum?” Jonghyun asked, his voice more sympathetic than curious.
“Why, did he say something to you?” Jinki asked anxiously.
“No, but I can tell something’s wrong. He keeps looking at you all funny, and you’re just ignoring him.”
“What? I’ve been trying to talk to him all day!” Jinki whined in despair. “I am not ignoring him.”
“Well that’s what it looks like to me. He actually looks sorta sad.”
“Dammit.”
“Seriously, what’s going on?”
Jinki just shook his head and worried his lip with his teeth. He knew he had to talk to Kibum, and the longer he waited, the worse they were both hurting.
“Do you think you could get the kids out of here tonight?” Jinki pleaded.
“No problem. It’s the ‘Choi-Lee gospel hour,’ remember?” Jonghyun joked.
“Oh yeah, Siwon hyung’s Bible study,” Jinki remembered, nodding. “What about you?”
“I’ll catch a ride with them and see if Kyuhyun hyung wants to hang out.”
“Thanks, Jonghyun,” Jinki patted his shoulder gratefully.
Jinki retreated to his room and retrieved some paper from his desk. He tortured himself trying to find the right words, but ultimately decided on an honest apology for his crime.
Darling, beautiful Kibum,
I took from you last night something precious that is meant only to be offered and then shared, but never, ever taken. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I didn’t even understand that I had these feelings for you until I saw you standing there, looking so perfect.
I beg you to forgive me for what I did to you. I will humbly accept any punishment or consequence that will satisfy you, even if that means I need to move out or leave the group for you to feel comfortable and safe again.
I’m so very sorry, Kibummie. Please tell me if there’s anything, anything I can do to make things right.
Please, forgive me.
Jinki
Jinki found Kibum sitting at the kitchen table, sipping tea and eating chips with Minho.
“Hey,” Jinki sighed.
“Hyung,” Kibum acknowledged with a nod.
Minho sensed the awkward atmosphere and excused himself, mumbling, “I better go get ready to see Donghae hyung.”
“We … we should talk,” Jinki sputtered, “but could you read this first?” Jinki placed the note on the table and slid it toward Kibum.
“Sure, hyung,” Kibum answered quietly.
“Thanks,” Jinki whispered. He turned and left the room before Kibum could look at his letter.
Jinki sought the solace of his own bed, only to be tantalized by Kibum’s scent on his pillow. He stared at the ceiling, tormenting himself, until he heard Jonghyun holler from the entryway.
“We’re taking off, don’t wait up,” his voice carried through the dorm.
“Be good, you guys,” Jinki heard Kibum call out.
Full of dread, Jinki dragged himself out of his room and met Kibum in the kitchen.
“Have some tea,” Kibum offered, bringing over a fresh pot. “You should stay hydrated after last night.”
“Thank you,” Jinki murmured, sliding into his chair, mortified that Kibum had the courage to broach the subject when Jinki was the one who should have been apologizing.
Kibum took the seat opposite Jinki and laid the letter on the table between them. He placed his elbows on the table and propped his head up in his hands.
Jinki couldn’t meet Kibum’s eyes. “Thanks for the tea,” he repeated. “And the yachaejuk this morning. That was really thoughtful, especially considering…”
“Considering how you acted,” Kibum said softly, without an ounce of venom.
It was too much for Jinki to take. “I’m so sorry, Kibum,” he croaked, choking back guilty tears. “I’m begging you to forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it, but I can’t live with myself this way,” he cried out, his face contorted in anguish. “Please, Kibum. I’ll do anything to make it right. Just tell me what to do. Please.”
Kibum pulled the letter closer and seemed to be reading it again.
“So, you regret last night,” Kibum prompted calmly.
Jinki nodded miserably.
“You’re sorry you had sex with me?” Kibum continued his interrogation.
“I -- ” Jinki found himself put on the spot. “I’m sorry about the way it happened,” he admitted abjectly. “I’m sorry I forced you.”
Kibum sighed. “So … you’re saying you raped me.”
Jinki cringed at the ugly word, but nodded his head penitently.
Kibum looked at the letter again. “Tell me about ‘these feelings’ you didn’t know you had.”
Jinki was astonished that Kibum would care about his feelings at this point. “Well, you do these unexpected, thoughtful things for me -- like breakfast this morning -- or when I was doing the musicals, you’d stay up late to help me get that heavy make-up off, or that time when management said I was getting pudgy and you cooked special vegetables for me. Stuff like that, well, it feels really great to be looked after, to feel cared for,” Jinki explained. “And last night, the way you looked, oh my gawd, it was like I was seeing you for the first time, you were amazing,” he rambled on, “it’s like you were glowing, you were stunning … and then you didn’t even chew me out for being stupid and getting wasted. When Jonghyun came home drunk that time you told him he was an idiot and made him sleep on the bathroom floor so he wouldn’t puke all over everything.”
The proverbial light bulb went on over Jinki’s head and he finally looked at Kibum, who wore a bemused, enigmatic expression.
“Jonghyun had to sleep on the floor,” Jinki mumbled, “but for me, you made yachaejuk.”
“Pabo,” Kibum shook his head. “For someone so smart, you sure can be dense.”
Jinki just stared at Kibum, confused.
“I wasn’t expecting an apology this morning,” he said slowly and quietly, sliding the note back toward Jinki and looking him in the eye. “I was hoping,” he sighed, “for a confession of a different kind.”
Jinki took in the news and mulled over Kibum’s words for a moment. If he understood Kibum correctly, he’d been exonerated.
“Wait a minute,” Jinki said, glomming on to the chance to live once again as a respectable member of decent society. “So, I didn’t … hurt you?” he offered meekly.
“Well, technically it hurt, but you didn’t force me, if that’s what you mean.”
“Are you okay?” Jinki immediately asked, his face full of concern.
Kibum snorted. “I’d say I’m better than okay. Best orgasm I ever had.”
Jinki nearly fell out of his chair. “What?”
“Well, I’ve made myself cum before, from the inside, I mean, but never with someone else,” he grinned, enjoying the effect he was having on Jinki.
Jinki was speechless.
“Oh, come on, did you really think it would’ve been that easy to ‘force’ me?” Kibum laughed suggestively. “I’d been playing around with myself for an hour when you came home,” he informed Jinki. “Taemin was locked up with his laptop, probably watching porn, so I had the room to myself and figured I’d have a little fun of my own. You just had really good timing when you came home. Another couple of minutes and I would’ve already been spent,” Kibum hinted wickedly.
All other thoughts had been swept from Jinki’s mind. He was picturing Kibum in bed, fingers pushed deep inside…
Kibum could almost see the gears turning in Jinki’s head. “Earth to Jinki, come in, hyung,” Kibum joked.
Jinki just groaned and hid his face in his hands. “I can’t believe it,” Kibum heard him say. “I’d thought,” Jinki uncovered his face, shoving the hair off his face and leaning back in his chair to stare at the ceiling, “I thought I’d done something despicable, and it turns out,” Jinki sat up straight and plopped his hands back on the table, “it turns out…what exactly?”
“I was upset when I first read your letter, and realized that you believed that you could have acted that way, you know, forcing me. But I think your memory is fuzzy. You were bold, but you weren’t violent. Eager, yes; rough, no. If you’d just talked to me this morning, we could have avoided all this,” he said sincerely, gesturing to the note on the table.
The images in Jinki’s mind were a jumble -- a hot, naked jumble, but he tried to focus on what Kibum was telling him. “What was that you said before … about a confession?”
“Gawd, hyung, do I have to spell it out? Last night it seemed like you’d finally gotten up the courage to make the first move,” Kibum rolled his eyes. “It turns out you were too drunk to notice I was totally into it. I’d been dying for ages for you to take the lead.”
Jinki could only sit in silence and try to wrap his head around the situation.
“Why?” Jinki asked.
“Why what?”
“Why were you ‘into it,’ I mean. Why did you want me to --“
“That’s why, pabo. You don’t even realize how great you are, how good you make me feel when we’re together.” Kibum seemed shy for the first time since they’d started talking. “It’s sort of irresistible how unaware you are of the effect you have on me. You’re not even trying, but you get me all wound up just being yourself.”
“Jeez, Kibum,” Jinki sighed, trying to process everything that was being said. Kibum could see the corner of Jinki’s mouth start to twitch into a smile, but then the frown was back.
“I’m really glad that you wanted to -- really glad -- relieved, seriously, you have no idea -- but that doesn’t change the fact that I never asked you if it was okay. I was drunk and I just … took. I wasn’t thinking about what you wanted. I hope you’ll accept my apology for that. I hope you can forgive me for being so selfish.” Jinki looked miserable again.
Kibum glanced at Jinki’s note again. “I do forgive you for that,” he said quietly, “and I’ll let you make it up to me.”
“I meant it when I said I’d do anything,” Jinki offered, his brow still knit in concern.
“How about,” Kibum purred, “we try again, only this time, instead of taking,” his voice dropped even lower, “you can only have what I give you.”
Jinki’s eyes opened wide at the prospect. “If that’s what you want,” he said, swallowing in anticipation, hardly believing his luck.
“It is,” Kibum smirked. “How about we start with a proper confession, hmm?”
“Okay,” Jinki swallowed again nervously, unprepared for speech making. “Kibum … I feel better when I’m with you, like when we’re together, that’s where I’m supposed to be. Something just clicks inside of me, and everything feels right. And you … you’re flawless, and … enchanting, and -“
“I like this. ‘Enchanting,’ huh? Go on,” Kibum smiled coyly, resting his head in his hand with his elbow on the table.
“You drive me so crazy. I want to be with you so bad, and … I want to make you feel so good,” Jinki caught his breath. “So, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to kiss you,” Jinki smiled shyly at having to say the words out loud.
“You can ask nicer than that,” Kibum teased.
“Please, Kibummie, please, may I kiss you?” Jinki played along.
“All right,” Kibum conceded, “but no tongue.”
Jinki moved around to Kibum’s side of the table and sat in the chair beside him. He tried leaning in to kiss Kibum, but the angle was all wrong.
“Well this isn’t awkward at all,” Kibum pretended to complain.
“Maybe if we stood up…if you don’t mind,” Jinki suggested gently.
“I find that acceptable,” Kibum joked in snooty voice, gracefully rising to his feet and perching on the edge of the table.
This time, Jinki easily hovered over Kibum, slowly closing the distance between them. “Are you sure?” he whispered. As nervous as he felt, he was determined to play by Kibum’s rules.
“Mmm-hmm,” Kibum agreed, his eyes falling closed.
Jinki’s lips barely met Kibum’s as he slowly, so slowly, brushed his lips lightly back and forth across Kibum’s closed mouth, being as gentle and gradual as he could. He tenderly grazed the fingertips of one hand along Kibum’s sharp jaw line before sliding his fingers into the hair at his nape. Jinki pressed in more firmly and opened his lips, using them to softly suck at Kibum’s.
Jinki’s unhurried technique was a complete reversal from their frenzied antics of the night before. His delicate touch fueled Kibum’s passion just as much as his commanding demeanor had. Kibum let a moan escape when Jinki added teeth, taking tiny nips, nibbling away at Kibum’s lower lip.
“Don’t you want more?” Jinki suggested, mumbling into Kibum’s ear as he moved the kisses to his neck.
“Ask nicely,” Kibum pouted. His bossy tone did nothing to disguise the desire made evident by his tenting sweatpants.
Jinki returned to Kibum’s mouth. “Please, let me in,” he whispered, sucking again at Kibum’s lower lip.
Kibum let his lips fall open and felt the perfect, silky lusciousness of Jinki’s tongue easing into his mouth. Jinki made himself at home as he languidly explored the contours of Kibum’s welcoming heat, deliberately relishing the succulence of Kibum’s mouth.
Jinki’s hands started to roam as he moved in closer.
“Ah ah ah,” Kibum scolded, torn between controlling the situation and losing himself in Jinki’s embrace.
“Please,” Jinki breathed heavily into Kibum’s ear. “I want to feel you.”
“Nope,” Kibum managed to sound snippy in spite of his longing to be pressed against the stronger man. “Put your hands in your pockets -- but don’t you dare touch yourself,” he ordered.
Jinki did has he was told, making a show of sliding his hands slowly into his pockets before leaning back in to resume his attentions to Kibum’s mouth. Jinki eventually felt Kibum’s hands on his shoulders, rhythmically squeezing and pulling in time with the dancing of their tongues.
“Kibum, please,” Jinki begged into his mouth, “let me hold you.”
“That does sound nice,” Kibum admitted. “All right.”
Jinki stooped over and snaked his strong arms around Kibum’s waist, drawing him from his perch on the table and onto his feet. He pulled Kibum flush against his body and nestled his face against Kibum’s neck, drinking in his fragrance, an indecipherable mix of grooming products, overlaid with jasmine rice.
“Mmmm,” Jinki moaned softly into Kibum’s ear as they stood clinging to each other, “you feel so good in my arms.”
“No grinding,” Kibum warned with a whisper, surprising himself with how much he was enjoying toying with his hyung.
An involuntary growl of disappointment escaping his throat, Jinki obediently pulled his hips back. Jinki nuzzled Kibum’s neck before trailing kisses back up to his mouth and then down the other side of his neck.
When Jinki started to suck and bite at Kibum’s tender flesh, the aroused man cried out in pleasure and wound his leg around Jinki, effectively locking them together at the groin.
“Is this what you want?” Jinki urged, circling his hips into Kibum’s.
“Yes,” Kibum practically grunted, frotting back against Jinki, ready to let his libido take the lead in their little game.
“Kibum?” Jinki breathed into Kibum’s neck.
“Hmmm?”
“Do you want me to take you to bed?” Jinki could feel how eager Kibum had become.
“I --“
“Please, Kibummie, let me make you feel good tonight,” Jinki purred, clutching Kibum tightly against him. “Let me give you what you want. Anything. Whatever you say, goes.”
“I want… ” Kibum moaned. His lust-clouded brain tried to consider the many enticing possibilities.
“What do you want, baby?” Jinki grinned against Kibum’s neck.
“I want you to call me something sweet,” he sighed shyly as Jinki nibbled his neck.
“Jagiya…” Jinki’s deep voice resonated all the way down to Kibum’s toes, “…tell me what else you want. I’m your slave tonight,” he added, staring deep into Kibum’s eyes. Jinki released Kibum and dropped to his knees, looking up adoringly at Kibum. “Your wish is my command.”
“I’ll show you what I want,” Kibum offered provocatively. He grabbed Jinki by the wrist and dragged him off to the bathroom.
* * * * *
Part two is here.
About "Jagiya"
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* * * * *
Part two is here.
Author: mimi_oly
Rating: NC-17 (for theme, explicit sexual content)
Pairing/Focus: Onew/Key
Word count: 8200
Genre: Drama, smut
Summary: Jinki comes home drunk and takes what he wants from Kibum. There are repercussions for this violation.
Squick/trigger warnings: Issues of consent and control relating to sex (not a torrid BDSM fic, but I don't want anyone to be uncomfortably surprised).
a/n: dedicated to fantomistress, for putting up with my late night trolling, wishunew for perhaps subconsciously inspiring the topic of consent, and linnhe for the fabulous pics of Key.
*****
With Kyuhyun propping him up on one side and Joon on the other, Jinki managed (third time’s the charm) to punch in the right code to open the front door to his apartment.
“There ya go,” Joon announced, pushing Jinki over the threshold.
“Good luck with the hangover,” Kyuhyun snickered as he pulled the door closed behind his dongsaeng.
Jinki leaned back against the door and removed his shoes, trying his best not to awaken anyone who might have already been asleep. The soju in his system made him feel giggly, but he padded silently down the hallway until he was blocked by a pair of feet in fluffy pink socks.
Jinki let his gaze move upward from the silly socks to a fuzzy, shapely pair of legs, an oversized T-shirt, an exposed collar bone (and a smooth, creamy shoulder), and finally, Kibum’s placid face. The younger man’s expression was inscrutable.
“Dinner with Kyuhyun?” Kibum inquired quietly.
“And Chan…Chang…Joon,” Jinki answered with a satisfied smile.
“And drinks?”
“Yup,” Jinki giggled, nodding.
“Okay, then, let’s get some water in you.” Kibum’s hand was soft and warm on Jinki’s wrist as he pulled his hyung into the kitchen.
Jinki watched Kibum reach up to the cupboard for a water glass, his eyes settling on the hem of Kibum’s T-shirt, which had come to rest on the top of his butt, revealing his tiny red briefs.
He’s teasing me on purpose, Jinki thought. Coming out to greet me at this hour, in that get up. He’s practically throwing himself at me.
Jinki accepted the glass of water from Kibum, who watched him gulp it down. When Kibum took the glass back to the sink, Jinki moved in behind him, circling his arms around Kibum’s slim waist, his nose pressed hard against the crook of Kibum’s neck.
“You smell so good,” Jinki muttered softly against Kibum’s skin, inhaling deeply.
“Hyung, what are you doing?”
“I want you,” Jinki all but growled, surprising them both.
“Oh, gawd…” Kibum breathed, suddenly trembling in Jinki’s arms.
Keeping one arm around Kibum’s waist, pulling him into his growing erection, Jinki sent the other hand down the front of Kibum’s thigh, and back up to cup and then squeeze his firm, round ass.
“I can’t keep my hands off you,” he whispered desperately.
“Please…not here.”
“Right…bedroom.” Jinki scooped Kibum up as if he were weightless and carried him down the hallway to their bedroom.
Jinki gently lowered Kibum onto his bed, crawled between Kibum’s legs, and hungrily looked down at the man under him.
“You’re so gorgeous,” he gushed. “I need you so bad,” he added as he dropped his head to kiss Kibum’s neck. He worked his way up to Kibum’s jaw before brushing their lips together, nibbling and sucking until Kibum clutched Jinki’s shoulders and whimpered, Kibum’s mouth finally yielding to Jinki’s invasion.
There was a frenzy of hands on skin as clothes were hastily tossed aside. Jinki had Kibum pinned to the bed; every inch of Kibum’s skin was so delicious in his mouth that Jinki wanted to eat him alive.
Kibum struggled to reach something in the nightstand drawer.
“If you’re really gonna go through with it, you’ll have to use this,” Jinki heard through a haze as a small bottle was pressed into his hand.
Jinki squinted to read the label on the bottle, and then slathered them both in the cold, slick fluid before pushing into Kibum. He could feel the blood pounding in his ears as the heat and sensation of skin on skin overwhelmed his senses. He thrust wildly against the smaller man groaning beneath him, and the pleasure and stimulation were like nothing he’d ever experienced.
As his ecstasy neared its peak, Jinki heard a far off voice cry out, “Hyung, what are you doing to me?”
* * * * *
Jinki’s head was pounding and his mouth felt as if he’d eaten cotton balls. He cautiously pushed his head off the pillow and peeled open his stinging eyes, only to be met by a glaring maknae.
“Hyung, you wanna tell me why you and Kibum hyung switched beds last night?” Taemin asked. Jinki wasn’t sure which made his head throb worse, the volume of the words or their meaning.
“I mean, I can handle your snoring when it comes from the far side of the room, but not when it’s only a meter from my head. And jeez, what was going on in here last night? Were you guys fighting? I was in the computer room with my headphones on and I could still hear Kibum hyung yelling.”
Bile rising in his throat, images came flooding into Jinki’s consciousness. He bolted for the toilet, not realizing until he finished retching that he was naked. He reached for his toothbrush and caught his reflection in the mirror; there were fingernail marks on his shoulders and long scratches down his back. He noticed a particular crustiness of uncertain origin in his pubic hair and then found himself face first in the toilet again as the complete picture of the previous night incriminated him from within his own head.
“Hyung, what are you doing?” Kibum’s desperate words gnawed his brain like a song on repeat, accusing him over and over of an offense Jinki had never thought himself capable of committing.
His heart heavy with guilt, Jinki climbed into the shower. No matter how hard he scrubbed, he still felt dirty.
Dreading a confrontation, and clueless about what he could possibly say to Kibum to repair their relationship, Jinki warily entered the kitchen.
“Wow, hyung, I can’t believe you’re showing your face,” Jonghyun snorted. “You guys must’ve had some night.”
Jinki felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Had Kibum reported the sordid attack to Jonghyun?
“I was supposed to meet Kyuhyun hyung to work on a song, but he just now texted me to cancel. Too hung over,” Jonghyun elaborated, obviously feeling put out. “I could’ve slept late,” he added, glaring in Jinki’s direction.
Relieved that Jonghyun seemed as ignorant as Taemin, Jinki tried to summon the courage to face Kibum, who chose that moment to move into Jinki’s peripheral vision. Jinki tried to catch Kibum’s eye, but Kibum kept his gaze on the attractively prepared bowl of yachaejuk he was carefully setting at Jinki’s place at the table.
“Speaking of hangovers,” Kibum said quietly, “this should help.” He turned away without meeting Jinki’s eyes.
Jinki and Kibum seemed to dance around each other for the rest of the day. Jinki would wait to catch Kibum alone, only to be joined each time by another member in front of the TV, in the kitchen, in the computer room, or on the way to the bathroom.
“Hyung, you feeling okay?” asked Minho when Jinki stuck his head into the computer room for the third time. “You seem on edge today.”
“I’m all right,” Jinki mumbled. “Maybe I’m a little woozy still … and I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
An hour later Jinki found himself alone on the sofa not with Kibum, but Jonghyun.
“What’s going on with you and Kibum?” Jonghyun asked, his voice more sympathetic than curious.
“Why, did he say something to you?” Jinki asked anxiously.
“No, but I can tell something’s wrong. He keeps looking at you all funny, and you’re just ignoring him.”
“What? I’ve been trying to talk to him all day!” Jinki whined in despair. “I am not ignoring him.”
“Well that’s what it looks like to me. He actually looks sorta sad.”
“Dammit.”
“Seriously, what’s going on?”
Jinki just shook his head and worried his lip with his teeth. He knew he had to talk to Kibum, and the longer he waited, the worse they were both hurting.
“Do you think you could get the kids out of here tonight?” Jinki pleaded.
“No problem. It’s the ‘Choi-Lee gospel hour,’ remember?” Jonghyun joked.
“Oh yeah, Siwon hyung’s Bible study,” Jinki remembered, nodding. “What about you?”
“I’ll catch a ride with them and see if Kyuhyun hyung wants to hang out.”
“Thanks, Jonghyun,” Jinki patted his shoulder gratefully.
Jinki retreated to his room and retrieved some paper from his desk. He tortured himself trying to find the right words, but ultimately decided on an honest apology for his crime.
Darling, beautiful Kibum,
I took from you last night something precious that is meant only to be offered and then shared, but never, ever taken. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I didn’t even understand that I had these feelings for you until I saw you standing there, looking so perfect.
I beg you to forgive me for what I did to you. I will humbly accept any punishment or consequence that will satisfy you, even if that means I need to move out or leave the group for you to feel comfortable and safe again.
I’m so very sorry, Kibummie. Please tell me if there’s anything, anything I can do to make things right.
Please, forgive me.
Jinki
Jinki found Kibum sitting at the kitchen table, sipping tea and eating chips with Minho.
“Hey,” Jinki sighed.
“Hyung,” Kibum acknowledged with a nod.
Minho sensed the awkward atmosphere and excused himself, mumbling, “I better go get ready to see Donghae hyung.”
“We … we should talk,” Jinki sputtered, “but could you read this first?” Jinki placed the note on the table and slid it toward Kibum.
“Sure, hyung,” Kibum answered quietly.
“Thanks,” Jinki whispered. He turned and left the room before Kibum could look at his letter.
Jinki sought the solace of his own bed, only to be tantalized by Kibum’s scent on his pillow. He stared at the ceiling, tormenting himself, until he heard Jonghyun holler from the entryway.
“We’re taking off, don’t wait up,” his voice carried through the dorm.
“Be good, you guys,” Jinki heard Kibum call out.
Full of dread, Jinki dragged himself out of his room and met Kibum in the kitchen.
“Have some tea,” Kibum offered, bringing over a fresh pot. “You should stay hydrated after last night.”
“Thank you,” Jinki murmured, sliding into his chair, mortified that Kibum had the courage to broach the subject when Jinki was the one who should have been apologizing.
Kibum took the seat opposite Jinki and laid the letter on the table between them. He placed his elbows on the table and propped his head up in his hands.
Jinki couldn’t meet Kibum’s eyes. “Thanks for the tea,” he repeated. “And the yachaejuk this morning. That was really thoughtful, especially considering…”
“Considering how you acted,” Kibum said softly, without an ounce of venom.
It was too much for Jinki to take. “I’m so sorry, Kibum,” he croaked, choking back guilty tears. “I’m begging you to forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it, but I can’t live with myself this way,” he cried out, his face contorted in anguish. “Please, Kibum. I’ll do anything to make it right. Just tell me what to do. Please.”
Kibum pulled the letter closer and seemed to be reading it again.
“So, you regret last night,” Kibum prompted calmly.
Jinki nodded miserably.
“You’re sorry you had sex with me?” Kibum continued his interrogation.
“I -- ” Jinki found himself put on the spot. “I’m sorry about the way it happened,” he admitted abjectly. “I’m sorry I forced you.”
Kibum sighed. “So … you’re saying you raped me.”
Jinki cringed at the ugly word, but nodded his head penitently.
Kibum looked at the letter again. “Tell me about ‘these feelings’ you didn’t know you had.”
Jinki was astonished that Kibum would care about his feelings at this point. “Well, you do these unexpected, thoughtful things for me -- like breakfast this morning -- or when I was doing the musicals, you’d stay up late to help me get that heavy make-up off, or that time when management said I was getting pudgy and you cooked special vegetables for me. Stuff like that, well, it feels really great to be looked after, to feel cared for,” Jinki explained. “And last night, the way you looked, oh my gawd, it was like I was seeing you for the first time, you were amazing,” he rambled on, “it’s like you were glowing, you were stunning … and then you didn’t even chew me out for being stupid and getting wasted. When Jonghyun came home drunk that time you told him he was an idiot and made him sleep on the bathroom floor so he wouldn’t puke all over everything.”
The proverbial light bulb went on over Jinki’s head and he finally looked at Kibum, who wore a bemused, enigmatic expression.
“Jonghyun had to sleep on the floor,” Jinki mumbled, “but for me, you made yachaejuk.”
“Pabo,” Kibum shook his head. “For someone so smart, you sure can be dense.”
Jinki just stared at Kibum, confused.
“I wasn’t expecting an apology this morning,” he said slowly and quietly, sliding the note back toward Jinki and looking him in the eye. “I was hoping,” he sighed, “for a confession of a different kind.”
Jinki took in the news and mulled over Kibum’s words for a moment. If he understood Kibum correctly, he’d been exonerated.
“Wait a minute,” Jinki said, glomming on to the chance to live once again as a respectable member of decent society. “So, I didn’t … hurt you?” he offered meekly.
“Well, technically it hurt, but you didn’t force me, if that’s what you mean.”
“Are you okay?” Jinki immediately asked, his face full of concern.
Kibum snorted. “I’d say I’m better than okay. Best orgasm I ever had.”
Jinki nearly fell out of his chair. “What?”
“Well, I’ve made myself cum before, from the inside, I mean, but never with someone else,” he grinned, enjoying the effect he was having on Jinki.
Jinki was speechless.
“Oh, come on, did you really think it would’ve been that easy to ‘force’ me?” Kibum laughed suggestively. “I’d been playing around with myself for an hour when you came home,” he informed Jinki. “Taemin was locked up with his laptop, probably watching porn, so I had the room to myself and figured I’d have a little fun of my own. You just had really good timing when you came home. Another couple of minutes and I would’ve already been spent,” Kibum hinted wickedly.
All other thoughts had been swept from Jinki’s mind. He was picturing Kibum in bed, fingers pushed deep inside…
Kibum could almost see the gears turning in Jinki’s head. “Earth to Jinki, come in, hyung,” Kibum joked.
Jinki just groaned and hid his face in his hands. “I can’t believe it,” Kibum heard him say. “I’d thought,” Jinki uncovered his face, shoving the hair off his face and leaning back in his chair to stare at the ceiling, “I thought I’d done something despicable, and it turns out,” Jinki sat up straight and plopped his hands back on the table, “it turns out…what exactly?”
“I was upset when I first read your letter, and realized that you believed that you could have acted that way, you know, forcing me. But I think your memory is fuzzy. You were bold, but you weren’t violent. Eager, yes; rough, no. If you’d just talked to me this morning, we could have avoided all this,” he said sincerely, gesturing to the note on the table.
The images in Jinki’s mind were a jumble -- a hot, naked jumble, but he tried to focus on what Kibum was telling him. “What was that you said before … about a confession?”
“Gawd, hyung, do I have to spell it out? Last night it seemed like you’d finally gotten up the courage to make the first move,” Kibum rolled his eyes. “It turns out you were too drunk to notice I was totally into it. I’d been dying for ages for you to take the lead.”
Jinki could only sit in silence and try to wrap his head around the situation.
“Why?” Jinki asked.
“Why what?”
“Why were you ‘into it,’ I mean. Why did you want me to --“
“That’s why, pabo. You don’t even realize how great you are, how good you make me feel when we’re together.” Kibum seemed shy for the first time since they’d started talking. “It’s sort of irresistible how unaware you are of the effect you have on me. You’re not even trying, but you get me all wound up just being yourself.”
“Jeez, Kibum,” Jinki sighed, trying to process everything that was being said. Kibum could see the corner of Jinki’s mouth start to twitch into a smile, but then the frown was back.
“I’m really glad that you wanted to -- really glad -- relieved, seriously, you have no idea -- but that doesn’t change the fact that I never asked you if it was okay. I was drunk and I just … took. I wasn’t thinking about what you wanted. I hope you’ll accept my apology for that. I hope you can forgive me for being so selfish.” Jinki looked miserable again.
Kibum glanced at Jinki’s note again. “I do forgive you for that,” he said quietly, “and I’ll let you make it up to me.”
“I meant it when I said I’d do anything,” Jinki offered, his brow still knit in concern.
“How about,” Kibum purred, “we try again, only this time, instead of taking,” his voice dropped even lower, “you can only have what I give you.”
Jinki’s eyes opened wide at the prospect. “If that’s what you want,” he said, swallowing in anticipation, hardly believing his luck.
“It is,” Kibum smirked. “How about we start with a proper confession, hmm?”
“Okay,” Jinki swallowed again nervously, unprepared for speech making. “Kibum … I feel better when I’m with you, like when we’re together, that’s where I’m supposed to be. Something just clicks inside of me, and everything feels right. And you … you’re flawless, and … enchanting, and -“
“I like this. ‘Enchanting,’ huh? Go on,” Kibum smiled coyly, resting his head in his hand with his elbow on the table.
“You drive me so crazy. I want to be with you so bad, and … I want to make you feel so good,” Jinki caught his breath. “So, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to kiss you,” Jinki smiled shyly at having to say the words out loud.
“You can ask nicer than that,” Kibum teased.
“Please, Kibummie, please, may I kiss you?” Jinki played along.
“All right,” Kibum conceded, “but no tongue.”
Jinki moved around to Kibum’s side of the table and sat in the chair beside him. He tried leaning in to kiss Kibum, but the angle was all wrong.
“Well this isn’t awkward at all,” Kibum pretended to complain.
“Maybe if we stood up…if you don’t mind,” Jinki suggested gently.
“I find that acceptable,” Kibum joked in snooty voice, gracefully rising to his feet and perching on the edge of the table.
This time, Jinki easily hovered over Kibum, slowly closing the distance between them. “Are you sure?” he whispered. As nervous as he felt, he was determined to play by Kibum’s rules.
“Mmm-hmm,” Kibum agreed, his eyes falling closed.
Jinki’s lips barely met Kibum’s as he slowly, so slowly, brushed his lips lightly back and forth across Kibum’s closed mouth, being as gentle and gradual as he could. He tenderly grazed the fingertips of one hand along Kibum’s sharp jaw line before sliding his fingers into the hair at his nape. Jinki pressed in more firmly and opened his lips, using them to softly suck at Kibum’s.
Jinki’s unhurried technique was a complete reversal from their frenzied antics of the night before. His delicate touch fueled Kibum’s passion just as much as his commanding demeanor had. Kibum let a moan escape when Jinki added teeth, taking tiny nips, nibbling away at Kibum’s lower lip.
“Don’t you want more?” Jinki suggested, mumbling into Kibum’s ear as he moved the kisses to his neck.
“Ask nicely,” Kibum pouted. His bossy tone did nothing to disguise the desire made evident by his tenting sweatpants.
Jinki returned to Kibum’s mouth. “Please, let me in,” he whispered, sucking again at Kibum’s lower lip.
Kibum let his lips fall open and felt the perfect, silky lusciousness of Jinki’s tongue easing into his mouth. Jinki made himself at home as he languidly explored the contours of Kibum’s welcoming heat, deliberately relishing the succulence of Kibum’s mouth.
Jinki’s hands started to roam as he moved in closer.
“Ah ah ah,” Kibum scolded, torn between controlling the situation and losing himself in Jinki’s embrace.
“Please,” Jinki breathed heavily into Kibum’s ear. “I want to feel you.”
“Nope,” Kibum managed to sound snippy in spite of his longing to be pressed against the stronger man. “Put your hands in your pockets -- but don’t you dare touch yourself,” he ordered.
Jinki did has he was told, making a show of sliding his hands slowly into his pockets before leaning back in to resume his attentions to Kibum’s mouth. Jinki eventually felt Kibum’s hands on his shoulders, rhythmically squeezing and pulling in time with the dancing of their tongues.
“Kibum, please,” Jinki begged into his mouth, “let me hold you.”
“That does sound nice,” Kibum admitted. “All right.”
Jinki stooped over and snaked his strong arms around Kibum’s waist, drawing him from his perch on the table and onto his feet. He pulled Kibum flush against his body and nestled his face against Kibum’s neck, drinking in his fragrance, an indecipherable mix of grooming products, overlaid with jasmine rice.
“Mmmm,” Jinki moaned softly into Kibum’s ear as they stood clinging to each other, “you feel so good in my arms.”
“No grinding,” Kibum warned with a whisper, surprising himself with how much he was enjoying toying with his hyung.
An involuntary growl of disappointment escaping his throat, Jinki obediently pulled his hips back. Jinki nuzzled Kibum’s neck before trailing kisses back up to his mouth and then down the other side of his neck.
When Jinki started to suck and bite at Kibum’s tender flesh, the aroused man cried out in pleasure and wound his leg around Jinki, effectively locking them together at the groin.
“Is this what you want?” Jinki urged, circling his hips into Kibum’s.
“Yes,” Kibum practically grunted, frotting back against Jinki, ready to let his libido take the lead in their little game.
“Kibum?” Jinki breathed into Kibum’s neck.
“Hmmm?”
“Do you want me to take you to bed?” Jinki could feel how eager Kibum had become.
“I --“
“Please, Kibummie, let me make you feel good tonight,” Jinki purred, clutching Kibum tightly against him. “Let me give you what you want. Anything. Whatever you say, goes.”
“I want… ” Kibum moaned. His lust-clouded brain tried to consider the many enticing possibilities.
“What do you want, baby?” Jinki grinned against Kibum’s neck.
“I want you to call me something sweet,” he sighed shyly as Jinki nibbled his neck.
“Jagiya…” Jinki’s deep voice resonated all the way down to Kibum’s toes, “…tell me what else you want. I’m your slave tonight,” he added, staring deep into Kibum’s eyes. Jinki released Kibum and dropped to his knees, looking up adoringly at Kibum. “Your wish is my command.”
“I’ll show you what I want,” Kibum offered provocatively. He grabbed Jinki by the wrist and dragged him off to the bathroom.
* * * * *
Part two is here.
About "Jagiya"
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Part two is here.