me and the good lord... methodist style
so i went to church today for the second weekend in a row. no, no... dont faint! no, i didnt burst into flames, nor did the foundation crumble as i stepped into the building. actually, it has been a very enlightening experience over the past 2 weeks. todays sermon was a lot more interesting than last weeks, but i shall endeavor to get the moments for a good laugh...
WEEK 1:
i went to church with a scruffy face and only 3hrs of sleep. my dear sweet cousin burst into the room and woke me up proclaiming that i was to go to church with her, and there was no arguing. so i jumped into the shower and onward to church i go. arriving with maybe 5 minutes to spare, i begged and pleaded to stay in the car and sleep, but sadly, i was drug into the church. sitting there, im watching the old folks sway and wave their hands in the air as they sing praises. at one point, i actually asked one of the elderly ladies who they were waving at, and she proclaimed she was waving at jesus. moving on the main sermon, the preacher asked if there were any new folks in the crowd, and my cousin pointed me out. he asked me to stand and tell my name and why i decided to come to church that day. the conversation went like this:
ME: "hi, my name is ron, (i wanted to add that im an alcoholic, but i had to forgo that pleasure), and i decided to come to church today because... well, because i had lost a bet."
HIM: "welcom... im sorry, you came here because you lost a bet? well... i am... uh... well, um... hmmm... welcome."
the conversation pretty much ended after that and he went on to the other new folks and their stories were a bit longer. i wonder why? anyway, his sermon was about hospitality and i guess thats why he was welcoming the new people so that it would be hospitable. he said that christians needed to be more hospitable to different people as their respective paths crossed. i agreed to that, and after the sermon and church had let out, i asked the preacher why he hadnt be more hospitable towards me when i was truthful about my reason for being there. he couldnt answer me, and just happened to have a group of elderly ladies coming to speak with him, so he broke away before the hypocritical conversation started. lucky bastard.
it was definitely interesting especially when my uncle called me on monday asking me if i was gonna come back. how nice, huh? he even offered to buy me lunch. nothing like bribing me with food.
WEEK 2:
this week, i trooped to church out of niceness for my uncle, not to mention the free food. i think we all know the rule about free food, right? free food always tastes the best. but i digress. having not slept the night before, i was a bit tired, but suffered through the agonizing sermon which was very interesting to say the least. upon my arrival, the preacher was there to actually greet me and shake my hand offering a prayer for me as i entered. since then, ive had severe diarrhea. im joking, no really, i am. anyway, i find a nice seat in the back where i can keep a close eye on the exits just in case they decide to crucify the heretic in the crowd (me). i was amazed at how the mood was different as i squirmed into the pew and got as comfortable as one can on hardwood and a little fluffy red cushion. the singing started, along with more waving at the air and then the sermon. today, it was going to be about evangelism. the preacher was explaining that evangelism was the cornerstone of all christians and that the biggest problem is that christians didnt feel that they had the equipment to go out and evangelize. i found that funny because he did bring up valid points where people sometimes ask questions that baffle the most zealous of christians. the preacher than explained that christians had to be themselves during their evangelistic debut so that they could laughter and other emotions into the conversation. "you have to make your victi.. the person youre brainwashi.. the person youre talking to thirsty for god." i was thirsty alrighty... not for god, but for beer. i hate that you cant buy beer until after 12 on sundays. apparently, somewhere during the sermon, he started talking about billy graham (who i think is the anti-christ) and how he finds it easy to stand up and spout out evangelizing rhetoric to the masses because he is at ease with himself. im sure that after the first 100 times you lie to masses of people, the next time isnt any different, right? *gasp* i didnt just say that. needless to say, after the sermon, i left to go redeem my free lunch and ponder about how to type this out for tonight.
all in all... i have to say that ill probably go back to church just to see what kind of funny stuff is said. maybe make it a weekly installment on this thing because i know that ill always have something to write about when it comes to church.
before i left church today, i had a conversation with the preacher that probably will have me banned from the grounds, but im not crying over that loss. i explained to the preacher that i had heard on the radio the other day something that i wanted his opinion on. while on the way home from work, the radio station was doing this gig called 'truth and consequences' and this day, a lady called wanting to call her husband and tell him that she had lied since they first met. apparently, she had told her husband that she was a virgin when they met and that he was the only guy she had been with. so she calls him via the radio and explained that she had lied to him about it and that she had actually slept with people before him. so the dumbass husband asked 'the question.' "how many are we talking about honey", he asks. she replied, "well, just a small number really... uh... 27!" HELLO! how in the hell arent you gonna realize youre wife has slept with 27 guys? it brings a whole new meaning to 'whistle when she walks' and the DJ was laughing talking about 'tossing a tic-tac down a hallway'. the husband slammed the phone down, and im sure they are now going thru the beginnings of a divorce, but still... im not sure of how i would react either.
so my question to the preacher was this: would you lie and change the number 27 to something like 3 or 5? or be honest and spout the real number?
baffled, he gave me a quizzical look and just walked away shaking his head.
so ive realized today that ill be driving the shortbus to hell, so if would all take your seats and buckle your seat belts, the ride there will start any time now........
WEEK 1:
i went to church with a scruffy face and only 3hrs of sleep. my dear sweet cousin burst into the room and woke me up proclaiming that i was to go to church with her, and there was no arguing. so i jumped into the shower and onward to church i go. arriving with maybe 5 minutes to spare, i begged and pleaded to stay in the car and sleep, but sadly, i was drug into the church. sitting there, im watching the old folks sway and wave their hands in the air as they sing praises. at one point, i actually asked one of the elderly ladies who they were waving at, and she proclaimed she was waving at jesus. moving on the main sermon, the preacher asked if there were any new folks in the crowd, and my cousin pointed me out. he asked me to stand and tell my name and why i decided to come to church that day. the conversation went like this:
ME: "hi, my name is ron, (i wanted to add that im an alcoholic, but i had to forgo that pleasure), and i decided to come to church today because... well, because i had lost a bet."
HIM: "welcom... im sorry, you came here because you lost a bet? well... i am... uh... well, um... hmmm... welcome."
the conversation pretty much ended after that and he went on to the other new folks and their stories were a bit longer. i wonder why? anyway, his sermon was about hospitality and i guess thats why he was welcoming the new people so that it would be hospitable. he said that christians needed to be more hospitable to different people as their respective paths crossed. i agreed to that, and after the sermon and church had let out, i asked the preacher why he hadnt be more hospitable towards me when i was truthful about my reason for being there. he couldnt answer me, and just happened to have a group of elderly ladies coming to speak with him, so he broke away before the hypocritical conversation started. lucky bastard.
it was definitely interesting especially when my uncle called me on monday asking me if i was gonna come back. how nice, huh? he even offered to buy me lunch. nothing like bribing me with food.
WEEK 2:
this week, i trooped to church out of niceness for my uncle, not to mention the free food. i think we all know the rule about free food, right? free food always tastes the best. but i digress. having not slept the night before, i was a bit tired, but suffered through the agonizing sermon which was very interesting to say the least. upon my arrival, the preacher was there to actually greet me and shake my hand offering a prayer for me as i entered. since then, ive had severe diarrhea. im joking, no really, i am. anyway, i find a nice seat in the back where i can keep a close eye on the exits just in case they decide to crucify the heretic in the crowd (me). i was amazed at how the mood was different as i squirmed into the pew and got as comfortable as one can on hardwood and a little fluffy red cushion. the singing started, along with more waving at the air and then the sermon. today, it was going to be about evangelism. the preacher was explaining that evangelism was the cornerstone of all christians and that the biggest problem is that christians didnt feel that they had the equipment to go out and evangelize. i found that funny because he did bring up valid points where people sometimes ask questions that baffle the most zealous of christians. the preacher than explained that christians had to be themselves during their evangelistic debut so that they could laughter and other emotions into the conversation. "you have to make your victi.. the person youre brainwashi.. the person youre talking to thirsty for god." i was thirsty alrighty... not for god, but for beer. i hate that you cant buy beer until after 12 on sundays. apparently, somewhere during the sermon, he started talking about billy graham (who i think is the anti-christ) and how he finds it easy to stand up and spout out evangelizing rhetoric to the masses because he is at ease with himself. im sure that after the first 100 times you lie to masses of people, the next time isnt any different, right? *gasp* i didnt just say that. needless to say, after the sermon, i left to go redeem my free lunch and ponder about how to type this out for tonight.
all in all... i have to say that ill probably go back to church just to see what kind of funny stuff is said. maybe make it a weekly installment on this thing because i know that ill always have something to write about when it comes to church.
before i left church today, i had a conversation with the preacher that probably will have me banned from the grounds, but im not crying over that loss. i explained to the preacher that i had heard on the radio the other day something that i wanted his opinion on. while on the way home from work, the radio station was doing this gig called 'truth and consequences' and this day, a lady called wanting to call her husband and tell him that she had lied since they first met. apparently, she had told her husband that she was a virgin when they met and that he was the only guy she had been with. so she calls him via the radio and explained that she had lied to him about it and that she had actually slept with people before him. so the dumbass husband asked 'the question.' "how many are we talking about honey", he asks. she replied, "well, just a small number really... uh... 27!" HELLO! how in the hell arent you gonna realize youre wife has slept with 27 guys? it brings a whole new meaning to 'whistle when she walks' and the DJ was laughing talking about 'tossing a tic-tac down a hallway'. the husband slammed the phone down, and im sure they are now going thru the beginnings of a divorce, but still... im not sure of how i would react either.
so my question to the preacher was this: would you lie and change the number 27 to something like 3 or 5? or be honest and spout the real number?
baffled, he gave me a quizzical look and just walked away shaking his head.
so ive realized today that ill be driving the shortbus to hell, so if would all take your seats and buckle your seat belts, the ride there will start any time now........