we're the stars of cctv, can't you see the camera loves me?
skip this paragraph:
i like my life very much right now. i'm so content that i'm finding it hard to try to be witty. it's a little unsettling. i'm doing my best but it's hard to avoid dreading the fall of the other foot. when i give out life advice (which i do more often than reasonable, given what little i know about life) i like to fall back on the old "life moves in cycles" adage. it's so mathematical that it doubles as a religious belief. life is good, but all good things must come to an end, but an end is just a beginning in disguise. what goes up must come down must go back up again and down afterwards. the point is that all the math makes me suspicious of how good life is. i've reached a new high - do i now have to reach a new low? and the catch - does anticipating a depression incite one? that makes sense. wait. so now by simply acknowledging that i'm content at the moment, am i dooming myself to be unhappy later?
ok.
i like my life very much right now. i've listened to the band Spoon for the first time, and i can tell that we're going to become very tight. i'm fresh from a weekend of friends-hosting, concert-going, music-sharing, vodka-and-wawa-iced-tea-drinking, drum-and-bass-playing, picture-taking, and, my new favorite, resevoir-edge-sitting. i wrote a song last night. i made plans to stay with Lucy and see Mos Def in Baltimore this weekend. P.Gog is graduating from basic training. i think i'm going to start calling myself a Taoist. i'm optimistic that i'll meet a nice girl sometime in the future, and that we'll live together and get married and fight about the phone bill. i completed my Ben Folds catalogue and simultaneously remembered how much i love the song Sentimental Guy. it reminds me of a certain person about whom i don't enjoy thinking (except in that masochistic way), but the thinking doesn't make me sad anymore. i have Alex Tryon's hat and i'm holding it hostage.
there is something to keep the worse thoughts at bay, which are the smaller nagging problems, mostly a product of my mother's stress level. not just that she's unreasonable and arbitrary when she's irritated. also that i'm concerned for her health. perhaps triggered by what i saw her doing this morning when we were driving to work in seperate cars: smoking a cigarette, when i thought she quit fifteen years ago. suddenly realizing why she mysteriously doesn't want to give me a ride to work sometimes. and seeing her see me see her smoking the cigarette, and her trying to hide it like that will make me forget. it's not that she's smoking again, or still, or on occasion, whichever it is. it's that a comparatively miniscule part of my pride in my mother was that she quit smoking for my brothers' and my own health. i thought that was an accomplishment, i don't care if it's stupid of me, and now it's created a vacuum. i still haven't talked to her about it. i'd rather not.
also that my little brother locked my friends and me in the basement sunday afternoon and then went to his baseball practice with the rest of my family. good thing one of us had his cellphone on him. the little fucker didn't even have to apologize when they came back to let us out twenty minutes later. bullshit it was an accident, Dad. locks don't turn themselves.
i like my life very much right now. i'm so content that i'm finding it hard to try to be witty. it's a little unsettling. i'm doing my best but it's hard to avoid dreading the fall of the other foot. when i give out life advice (which i do more often than reasonable, given what little i know about life) i like to fall back on the old "life moves in cycles" adage. it's so mathematical that it doubles as a religious belief. life is good, but all good things must come to an end, but an end is just a beginning in disguise. what goes up must come down must go back up again and down afterwards. the point is that all the math makes me suspicious of how good life is. i've reached a new high - do i now have to reach a new low? and the catch - does anticipating a depression incite one? that makes sense. wait. so now by simply acknowledging that i'm content at the moment, am i dooming myself to be unhappy later?
ok.
i like my life very much right now. i've listened to the band Spoon for the first time, and i can tell that we're going to become very tight. i'm fresh from a weekend of friends-hosting, concert-going, music-sharing, vodka-and-wawa-iced-tea-drinking, drum-and-bass-playing, picture-taking, and, my new favorite, resevoir-edge-sitting. i wrote a song last night. i made plans to stay with Lucy and see Mos Def in Baltimore this weekend. P.Gog is graduating from basic training. i think i'm going to start calling myself a Taoist. i'm optimistic that i'll meet a nice girl sometime in the future, and that we'll live together and get married and fight about the phone bill. i completed my Ben Folds catalogue and simultaneously remembered how much i love the song Sentimental Guy. it reminds me of a certain person about whom i don't enjoy thinking (except in that masochistic way), but the thinking doesn't make me sad anymore. i have Alex Tryon's hat and i'm holding it hostage.
there is something to keep the worse thoughts at bay, which are the smaller nagging problems, mostly a product of my mother's stress level. not just that she's unreasonable and arbitrary when she's irritated. also that i'm concerned for her health. perhaps triggered by what i saw her doing this morning when we were driving to work in seperate cars: smoking a cigarette, when i thought she quit fifteen years ago. suddenly realizing why she mysteriously doesn't want to give me a ride to work sometimes. and seeing her see me see her smoking the cigarette, and her trying to hide it like that will make me forget. it's not that she's smoking again, or still, or on occasion, whichever it is. it's that a comparatively miniscule part of my pride in my mother was that she quit smoking for my brothers' and my own health. i thought that was an accomplishment, i don't care if it's stupid of me, and now it's created a vacuum. i still haven't talked to her about it. i'd rather not.
also that my little brother locked my friends and me in the basement sunday afternoon and then went to his baseball practice with the rest of my family. good thing one of us had his cellphone on him. the little fucker didn't even have to apologize when they came back to let us out twenty minutes later. bullshit it was an accident, Dad. locks don't turn themselves.