An Open Letter to the Waitress at the Friendly's off Elkton Road Near My House in Newark, DE
Um, Hi There,
I'm not sure if you remember me, I was wearing the maroon jersey with the W on it? You probably remember this, my little brother was taking a really long time deciding what kind of ice cream to order off the kids menu and then you turned to me, I was at the aisle seat and you turned and asked if I play lacrosse? And I sort of laughed? I wasn't laughing at you, just so you know, I was laughing at myself, just because, you know, when I think of a lacrosse player, the image that comes to mind isn't really my own, if you know what I mean. It's sort of a hobby of mine, making fun of the lacrosse player lifestyle, so you can see how I would find it ironic that you would ask me if I play lacrosse. But anyway, after I stopped laughing at myself, and not at you, I said that I got it from when I was on the rowing team? And then I sort of glanced at you, and then stared at my sandwich? I just felt stupid at the time, because I always feel kind of ashamed when I talk about crew with people because I'm not going back next year, so I feel like a fraud even though I know better. But I guess I just wanted you to know that I wish now that I had made eye contact, because I thought I saw as you were walking up to the table that you have blue eyes, and I was kind of intrigued, but because I'd noticed before I felt awkward looking to make sure they really were blue, just because I didn't want to ogle you, especially because I was with my family at the time, and the whole time I was just sort of wishing that they would go away so I could maybe ask for your number and not feel embarassed about it. But that's stupid too, because no offense to you but I'm not really in the habit of asking for the numbers of waitresses who I haven't paid yet. I didn't even look for your nametag. Maybe you weren't wearing one, but that doesn't really matter either because I would have felt weird using your name too, that's another thing I'm not in the habit of, calling my waitresses by their first names unless I know them from before. It's not even a sexual thing, I don't call my waiters by their first names either. Anyway the only real reason I'm writing this is to apologize on behalf of my family for the mess we made with the ice cream. I used to work food service and so maybe I'm too sensitive about it but I always used to hate when people made a big mess that they could have spent ten seconds cleaning up but instead never even think about it and just walk about, and they usually don't even tip that well. I'm not sure how well we tipped you because I left early, I'd driven there by myself to meet my family for dinner and then go somewhere else afterwards so I never saw how big a tip my dad left. Anyway I'm sorry about the mess, and thanks for getting me that glass of water even though I didn't ask you until you'd already started walking away, I felt kind of bad about that but it didn't seem to bother you very much and so I was able to relax, that was around when I noticed your eyes from far away. But anyway thanks for the water and I'm sorry about the mess, and I really do hope we left you a big tip, I would have thrown in to make sure but I'm kind of broke, I mean let's face it why else would I meet my family for dinner at Friendly's when it wasn't anybody's birthday? Well really I'm not so much broke as cheap, but I really didn't have any cash to throw in for your tip, and if I did I would have. Have a nice rest of your night.
- James