(no subject)
Defy Explosive Death
I always knew he was a liar, ever since I met Patrick
My first year at private school. I was new.
He had repeated a year when he transferred,
Before; the school had recommended he do so, perhaps
In the hope that ADHD diminishes with age, and so he was older -
Would turn twenty before I turned nineteen -
But that came later - We were young then. Liars.
He was scared of fucking up the truth so he spoke in falsehoods,
Separated it from himself by degrees - Distorted it internally
Before projecting it onto others. Most people thought Patrick
A sociopath, but he said he didn’t really care
What people thought about him. Once, our senior year, he was caught
In one of his lies. He had skipped class, or something -
The latest in a great succession of misdemeanors -
But the administration acted, and he refused to admit the truth:
That he had lied. He was not expelled, but he left anyway
The day school let out for spring break - Stormed out
With his mother on one side pleading and his father
On the other, yelling - His attempt to preserve
What he felt was left of his shattered pride.
The next morning we left for vacation; me, my family
And Patrick, who protested the injustice of his withdrawal
The entire length of the turnpike to Montréal, well after
We were drained of the energy to argue. Liars, all.
He told us he was innocent and we told him we believed him.
Even after he changed schools, graduated from the local public,
Survived the first six months of college, he was caught up with;
Not just the lies, as we’d all suspected since middle school, but fear also -
The fear like sweat I could smell him breathing
Into my cellphone receiver: How you doing, man? -
James - I gotta tell you something -
It’s not bad or anything - Not -Well, not really -
You might - It’s kind of cool, actually -
But I’m not going back to school,
Not for a while anyway - I’m between trimesters at RIT now -
It’s not really working out for me - I need more structure,
I guess - Discipline - A new system - And that’s why - Well -
Not a new system, but you understand -
But yeah - I wanna tell you - I’m joining the Army,
And I want you to tell my mom.
Scared of fucking up - So rather than shoulder
The responsibility of his own future he forfeited it
To an ideal - His country, world freedom, some illusion
He wasn’t required to think about - Just protect, with his life
If necessary. He figured he’d figure what to do
With his life and spend some time in Iraq,
Diffuse some explosive ordinance in the meantime. I guess
It made sense to Patrick, and that was all I needed.
Long ago, I’d given up on fixing him in reality -
This way he could make the rules as he went, and
I got some good stories out of the deal.
Long after he’d hung up his end - His mom wanted
The dog walked and the trash emptied - I stood with the phone in my hand
And breathed. Basic training began in June, he’d said,
But it was a warm day in February and I was scared already.
Lies were catching up - I was standing still, and
Somewhere in my hometown a bomb was
Ticking the truth away to its twenty-first birthday.