Early Morning Adventures with a Pair of Scissors and a Jar of Alcohol

[jimkeller]

You know that website whose mission statement reads, "It's our goal to annoy physicians by convincing the average American that they know as much about medicine as the healthcare professionals"? Well, I decided to consult it this morning regarding a minor irritation. I've learned a few things:

1. If the website says, "There's no need to see a doctor about this. You can take care of it yourself!" you need to worry.


2. "Cosmetic" surgery can be performed with nothing more than a pair of scissors and/or a length of dental floss.


3. My arms don't bend that way. If I was smart enough to ask for help, I'd be smart enough not to be following advice from this website in the first place.


4. Most employers still regard, "Sorry I'm late -- I couldn't stop the bleeding" as a perfectly valid excuse.


5. Most professors do not still regard, "Sorry I'm late -- I couldn't stop the bleeding" as a perfectly valid excuse.


6. Deodorant on an actively bleeding wound stings!


7. There is no bandage in existence that will remain in place under the arm.


8. Any place you can buy a single maxi pad will make you even later for work -- particularly if you're male.


9. Your insurance probably wouldn't have covered having the procedure done properly by a physician. However, if you mess it up badly enough, they will pay to put you back together again.


10. Backpacks aren't designed for this particular breed of stupidity.


11. The lingering, dull ache of a chunk of improperly removed flesh is actually no worse than the ongoing, sharp pain of a skin tag twisting and catching on your clothing.


12. And, after all, what the hell? The t-shirts are all machine washable.