The Halpert's home was a regular stop on River and Simon Chicago's morning walk. Jim standing there, looking kind of lost, was not a usual thing, however, and River knew right away that something was wrong.
Simon hadn't quite noticed yet, and barked in greeting, trying to get Samantha's attention. Usually the baby was the first to greet him with a happy squeal and a chewing of the ears, but today she wasn't even down on the ground.
"Hush," she said quietly to the dog as she walked closer. "Ni hao, Sammy," she said, reaching out a hand to stroke the baby's curly little head. "What's the matter, Jim?" she asked, not quite sure she wanted to know.
Sam immediately brightened at the sight of Simon, and with her father not being so very entertaining, she squirmed to get out of his grip to see the dog. Jim almost didn't want to put her down, for fear she'd somehow disappear if he did, but he knew she ought to be put at ease as possible while this was going on.
Once she was sitting on the ground, already reaching for the dog, he stood up and rubbed the side of his neck. It was the closest he'd been to crying since he woke up, but he forced it back. He had too much to do now to start mourning already.
"She's..." he started, but trailed off, feeling the words getting stuck in the back of his throat. "I woke up and she wasn't there. Everything's...missing."
River's first instinct was to turn around and run home immediately to make sure that Mal and Simon were still there. But she had just had breakfast with them and she knew she had to have some kind of faith that they wouldn't vanish every time she went out into the world for a little while. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to function at all, and Jim needed her. He'd been there for her when she had lost Simon (twice) and she would be there for him now.
"Oh," she said softly. "Oh, no."
She didn't ask if he was sure. There was no mistaking when the people you loved were gone; anyone who had lived on the island for a while knew that. She glanced down at Samantha, happily playing with Simon Chicago as though she hadn't just lost her mother, and knew she was probably going to cry herself before long.
That had been more or less his own response. Jim wasn't sure what to do with himself now that he wasn't holding Sam, and he didn't have it in him to take her away from what she was doing. He stuck his hands in his pockets instead, ignoring the feel of the rings there against his fingers.
"I...have no idea what I'm going to do," he said, not looking at River. He knew if he did, he might lose what semblance of control he had on himself. "I mean...I don't think I can do this. Not without..."
He trailed off, his breath hitching a little as he took a deep breath to calm himself down.
"You can. You can do anything, if you have to. And you have to." River glanced over at Sam, happily playing with Simon, and was glad she was so little she didn't understand exactly what had happened. "It's not the same, but you're not all alone. You have me, and Mal, and lots of other people who love you and Samantha. It's going to be okay."
She knew too well, though, the feeling that nothing could ever be okay again and knew Jim wouldn't believe her. She also knew he needed to hear it anyway. She reached out to touch his arm, but ended up hugging him really hard instead.
Jim knew she was right. He knew, but it was still hard to see that when all he could see now was living his life without her. He'd spent so long loving her, it felt like a whole part of himself had been ripped away, leaving him incomplete, somehow.
He didn't hug back at first. The overwhelmed feeling was coming back to him again, and by the time he finally reached up to wrap his arms around River, he felt the first few tears slipping out, and there was no way to stop them.
River wasn't really used to filling the role of comforter, when she was usually the one upset about something. Not that she wasn't upset, because Pam had been her friend and she was already missing her, but it wasn't anything like she would feel if she had been the one to wake up without Mal. If River found herself in Jim's position, she thought she'd be unable to have the strength to even stand upright. "It's okay," she whispered, though it felt like a lie.
He probably would have let himself go more if not for the fact he felt Sam at his leg. He pulled away a little and looked down, seeing her reaching up for him. Quickly rubbing his eyes, he bent down and then lifted her up. There was something comforting about her arms wrapping around his neck.
"Sorry," he apologized, and for that moment, he felt like he had himself under control again. He had to be for Sam. "I'll be alright. I just...I just need to figure out what I need to do."
"You don't ever have to be sorry. How many times have I fallen apart on you?" asked River with a sad little smile. "Whatever you need, I can help you. Mal will want to help, too, as soon as he knows." Her lower lip trembled at the thought of telling Mal that Pam, who he had liked quite a lot, was gone, but she didn't want to cry when she was trying to be strong for Jim and Samantha.
"If you don't want to be alone, you can come stay with us. We've got plenty of room." She really didn't think Mal would mind. "Or if you ever need someone to watch Sam, so you can -" cry, scream, have a breakdown "- take care of yourself. You know we like having her around." Her hand shook as she stroked the baby's warm, solid head and back. River had always tried her best to look out for Samantha, and now she'd have to try even harder. "But that's all later. Right now, I think it's just one thing at a time. Does Sammy want breakfast, do you think
( ... )
Jim, despite everything, did manage to make a weak attempt at a smile. He knew River was trying for him, and it was enough to make him remember he did have people he could count on. Not the person he wanted, but it would have to do.
"I'll keep that in mind," he replied. "And I was just about to go to the Compound to see what I can make for her. Before I...figured out what else I need to do."
He'd have to talk to someone in the clinic, soon - maybe Simon. She hadn't been fully weened, yet, and it meant she might need things now he didn't know she'd need since Pam was giving it to her before.
"I'll go with you." She thought it would be irresponsible of her to leave Jim by himself just then.
River frowned thoughtfully. She didn't really know what needed to be done. She'd always had Mal, no matter who else had left her, and he was good at taking care of things. She thought even he might have been at a bit of a loss if there had been a baby to take care of, though.
"I guess you need food, and diapers, and...." She trailed off. "I don't know what else babies need," she admitted. "But if you tell me, I'll find it. Or we can ask Simon. Doctors probably need to know a lot about babies. I helped him deliver one once." Mostly she'd just been there for moral support, but that one time in a whorehouse had been her only experience with babies, before getting to know Samantha.
Jim knew the basics, of course. What always made them great was that they were a team, though, and the fact he had no one to bounce ideas off of seemed a foreign concept. What if he was wrong about something? Sam only had him to depend on now, and it made the responsibility so much more hard to manage.
"Yeah, I'll have to drop in to the clinic and talk to someone," he agreed, feeling sick to his stomach all of a sudden. While Sam would eat, he doubted he'd be able to. Jim opened the door for Rembrandt, and the half-wolf took little time moving to sit by Jim's side, not even moving to greet Simon Chicago before doing so. "Let's get going. It's already a little later than she usually eats."
"No. I'll send Simon to talk to you, if you want. You don't have to worry about it." River was sure her brother would be happy to help her friend; it wasn't as though anyone else could do much more for him than that.
They set off down the path, a strange, sad group of people and dogs with a big hole where one of their family ought to have been.
"That'd be good," he nodded, his voice quiet. It felt like there was a strange weight on his chest he couldn't shake, but he kept that feeling to himself. He didn't want to worry River any more than she probably already was. Making everyone else miserable around him wouldn't help things either.
"And, um, thank you," he added, after falling quiet for nearly half the walk there. He wasn't absorbed enough in himself to know what she was doing was helping him a little. Company might not have been exactly what he wanted, but he knew it was probably what he needed just then.
"Simon will be glad to help." River wasn't sure if "glad" was the right word to use in reference to anything that was going on here, but at least Simon could do something useful. River was just kind of there, though that seemed to be enough for the moment.
She shook her head, not wanting thanks. Jim was her friend and was always there when she needed him to be and she was determined to do the same. She grabbed his hand and held it for a minute before letting go. "You're my family, you know. The chosen kind. We look out for each other."
He was still thankful, anyway, but he nodded to show he understood. Sam had settled in his arms, sucking on her thumb.
"I think of you as family, too," he said, quietly. Like a sister, really, and her being there did help. The thought of her disappearing flashed in his mind just then, and he managed to push it away before he started feeling panicky.
Simon hadn't quite noticed yet, and barked in greeting, trying to get Samantha's attention. Usually the baby was the first to greet him with a happy squeal and a chewing of the ears, but today she wasn't even down on the ground.
"Hush," she said quietly to the dog as she walked closer. "Ni hao, Sammy," she said, reaching out a hand to stroke the baby's curly little head. "What's the matter, Jim?" she asked, not quite sure she wanted to know.
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Once she was sitting on the ground, already reaching for the dog, he stood up and rubbed the side of his neck. It was the closest he'd been to crying since he woke up, but he forced it back. He had too much to do now to start mourning already.
"She's..." he started, but trailed off, feeling the words getting stuck in the back of his throat. "I woke up and she wasn't there. Everything's...missing."
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"Oh," she said softly. "Oh, no."
She didn't ask if he was sure. There was no mistaking when the people you loved were gone; anyone who had lived on the island for a while knew that. She glanced down at Samantha, happily playing with Simon Chicago as though she hadn't just lost her mother, and knew she was probably going to cry herself before long.
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"I...have no idea what I'm going to do," he said, not looking at River. He knew if he did, he might lose what semblance of control he had on himself. "I mean...I don't think I can do this. Not without..."
He trailed off, his breath hitching a little as he took a deep breath to calm himself down.
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She knew too well, though, the feeling that nothing could ever be okay again and knew Jim wouldn't believe her. She also knew he needed to hear it anyway. She reached out to touch his arm, but ended up hugging him really hard instead.
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He didn't hug back at first. The overwhelmed feeling was coming back to him again, and by the time he finally reached up to wrap his arms around River, he felt the first few tears slipping out, and there was no way to stop them.
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Nothing about this was okay.
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"Sorry," he apologized, and for that moment, he felt like he had himself under control again. He had to be for Sam. "I'll be alright. I just...I just need to figure out what I need to do."
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"If you don't want to be alone, you can come stay with us. We've got plenty of room." She really didn't think Mal would mind. "Or if you ever need someone to watch Sam, so you can -" cry, scream, have a breakdown "- take care of yourself. You know we like having her around." Her hand shook as she stroked the baby's warm, solid head and back. River had always tried her best to look out for Samantha, and now she'd have to try even harder. "But that's all later. Right now, I think it's just one thing at a time. Does Sammy want breakfast, do you think ( ... )
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"I'll keep that in mind," he replied. "And I was just about to go to the Compound to see what I can make for her. Before I...figured out what else I need to do."
He'd have to talk to someone in the clinic, soon - maybe Simon. She hadn't been fully weened, yet, and it meant she might need things now he didn't know she'd need since Pam was giving it to her before.
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River frowned thoughtfully. She didn't really know what needed to be done. She'd always had Mal, no matter who else had left her, and he was good at taking care of things. She thought even he might have been at a bit of a loss if there had been a baby to take care of, though.
"I guess you need food, and diapers, and...." She trailed off. "I don't know what else babies need," she admitted. "But if you tell me, I'll find it. Or we can ask Simon. Doctors probably need to know a lot about babies. I helped him deliver one once." Mostly she'd just been there for moral support, but that one time in a whorehouse had been her only experience with babies, before getting to know Samantha.
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"Yeah, I'll have to drop in to the clinic and talk to someone," he agreed, feeling sick to his stomach all of a sudden. While Sam would eat, he doubted he'd be able to. Jim opened the door for Rembrandt, and the half-wolf took little time moving to sit by Jim's side, not even moving to greet Simon Chicago before doing so. "Let's get going. It's already a little later than she usually eats."
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They set off down the path, a strange, sad group of people and dogs with a big hole where one of their family ought to have been.
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"And, um, thank you," he added, after falling quiet for nearly half the walk there. He wasn't absorbed enough in himself to know what she was doing was helping him a little. Company might not have been exactly what he wanted, but he knew it was probably what he needed just then.
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She shook her head, not wanting thanks. Jim was her friend and was always there when she needed him to be and she was determined to do the same. She grabbed his hand and held it for a minute before letting go. "You're my family, you know. The chosen kind. We look out for each other."
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"I think of you as family, too," he said, quietly. Like a sister, really, and her being there did help. The thought of her disappearing flashed in his mind just then, and he managed to push it away before he started feeling panicky.
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