Of downs and lows
It has been 20 years since I've began to exist on this Earth and I have still...not learned how to take responsibility for my own decisions. Most of my decisions are bound for regret no matter how much thought I've given it, because I always choose to let my heart rule my mind and somehow...that seems to be the opposite of wise. The number of life choices I've freely made is almost equivalent to the number of life choices I regret, and something's gotta give- it's either my inability to let go of the could-have-beens, or the inability to make a good decision to begin with. Currently feeling very disillusioned with the way of things. I feel like I'm friggin' stuck, and I'm on the cusp of more regrets to come. At this rate, I'm gonna have enough regrets to paint the whole town red.
On a less depressing note...actually, there's no less depressing note. Every school term that comes and goes sees me falling flat before my own lofty expectations, and this sem is a real exemplification of that. It doesn't help that my bro's report card is bleeding As and outstanding academic/non-academic achievements. Or that I'm consistently reminded of how mediocre I am in school. Oh, and while all of my close friends in law school are a pres of something, I'm just depressed. (Abigail and I LOL-ed at this, you gotta admit it's kinda punny.) Well, it sounded funnier when I said it just now, over our beef bolognese lunch at Tea Party.
Looking back at this not-entirely-unsatisfactory-but-wanting-in-so-many-ways Year 2 Sem 1, I gotta say that one of the best thing that has emerged out of it is the experience of being a Teaching Assistant. My kids are so friendly and nice, and it has opened my mind in ways that I didn't expect (: I would really love to be a TA again, but I know these things don't come easy. (Unless, of course, you're Scott.)
I'm doing all I can from now till the end of sem to keep calm and carry on. For me, if not for you... With calmness comes greatness; I can do this, I'm sure. Man was not made to break down at every inadequacy he experiences. Rather, when things go so awfully wrong, they can only get better. At the heart of it all, I know the one mistake I'll never make again is losing sight of who I am.
At each moment you can either kill yourself, try harder to detach yourself from people and reality, or be thinking of and doing what you can for the people you like. Those are your only 3 choices at any one moment.
-Tao Lin