(no subject)
i don't expect anyone to read this, lord knows i don't read anyone else's or have anything new to say.
so what would now me tell future me?
ugh. this is an evil, ugly period in my life that i don't really want immortalized, but may have something to learn from later.
i have completely, totally lost the ability to interact with human beings and not be malicious. all of my forays into friendship turn out in retrospect to be very thinly veiled attempts to encourage someone to show me their soft underbelly so i can tear their throat out later. i can't even believe i fool myself. at some point in this cruel horrible cycle i tell myself that i'm just lonely, that i just need someone to care... but i am full of such rage and such violence that 100 or 1000 people could not absorb it all without hating me for it.
i spend so. much. time. throttling this grief and fear and anger and pain and it's been a year of crying into pillows and punching walls and pushing people away and taking all these pills, on time, every time and just trying to get out of bed, or stay out of bed and wishing i could just sleep 100 thousand million years and wake up in some world that wasn't ruined or spoiled... some world that i didn't hate anyone and no one hated me.
i feel like there was some piece of me, and i gave it away and it won't grow back. i may have been self-absorbed or absent minded or just lazy before, but never malicious. all those things that weren't true of me a year ago, they're true now. i am truly a dangerous person to be around, to try to care about.
i am fucking being consumed by this thing that happened to me, and i can't fix it or make it better... why can't i heal? why won't this go away?
i've stayed clean, but it doesn't matter - it was just a cover up for me just not being able to deal with life, or make friends. i know how to get high with people. some drinks, some drugs, feed my SO's friends and pretend they're mine...
i do everything i can to keep going, and keep doing the right things, but the only reason to do any of it is for my parents, and that's getting to be cold comfort these 24 hours, these 365 days.
i cook food, and throw it away. i clean my house, and no one keeps the plans that they made, no one wants to be around me, which is good for them.
i feel primed for some catastrophic train wreck of a relationship, something completely abusive and terrible and violent that ends up with brains on the floor.
there has to be something else in the world, there has to be some other point to my life, but all these years of having it pretty good, and all my cultivated general apathy leave me completely unprepared to face this terrible, miserable future.
i hate myself.
i hate my life.
i can't see beyond the event horizon of my own imploding universe.
now, aren't you glad you have a livejournal?
so what would now me tell future me?
ugh. this is an evil, ugly period in my life that i don't really want immortalized, but may have something to learn from later.
i have completely, totally lost the ability to interact with human beings and not be malicious. all of my forays into friendship turn out in retrospect to be very thinly veiled attempts to encourage someone to show me their soft underbelly so i can tear their throat out later. i can't even believe i fool myself. at some point in this cruel horrible cycle i tell myself that i'm just lonely, that i just need someone to care... but i am full of such rage and such violence that 100 or 1000 people could not absorb it all without hating me for it.
i spend so. much. time. throttling this grief and fear and anger and pain and it's been a year of crying into pillows and punching walls and pushing people away and taking all these pills, on time, every time and just trying to get out of bed, or stay out of bed and wishing i could just sleep 100 thousand million years and wake up in some world that wasn't ruined or spoiled... some world that i didn't hate anyone and no one hated me.
i feel like there was some piece of me, and i gave it away and it won't grow back. i may have been self-absorbed or absent minded or just lazy before, but never malicious. all those things that weren't true of me a year ago, they're true now. i am truly a dangerous person to be around, to try to care about.
i am fucking being consumed by this thing that happened to me, and i can't fix it or make it better... why can't i heal? why won't this go away?
i've stayed clean, but it doesn't matter - it was just a cover up for me just not being able to deal with life, or make friends. i know how to get high with people. some drinks, some drugs, feed my SO's friends and pretend they're mine...
i do everything i can to keep going, and keep doing the right things, but the only reason to do any of it is for my parents, and that's getting to be cold comfort these 24 hours, these 365 days.
i cook food, and throw it away. i clean my house, and no one keeps the plans that they made, no one wants to be around me, which is good for them.
i feel primed for some catastrophic train wreck of a relationship, something completely abusive and terrible and violent that ends up with brains on the floor.
there has to be something else in the world, there has to be some other point to my life, but all these years of having it pretty good, and all my cultivated general apathy leave me completely unprepared to face this terrible, miserable future.
i hate myself.
i hate my life.
i can't see beyond the event horizon of my own imploding universe.
now, aren't you glad you have a livejournal?