Make Room
I can barely put words together right now...
I keep reflecting on things, things i probably shouldnt be reflecting on.
Thursday, a woman I work with, her husband died unexpectedly.
Friday I found my divorce should be finalized pretty soon. Depending on what day you ask me, I either burst out crying or Im jumping up and down Im so excited. Friday, I was crying. I went to yoga thinking Id feel better, met up with some friends and I just didnt have it in me to be social, so I left.
The weekend was just fine.
Monday, I found out a dear friend of mine got her heart broken.
Today, someone asked me if I started dating yet. I wasnt quite sure how to respond.
A person I truly admire, its her two year wedding anniversary today. A part of me is sad. Why couldnt I do it? Why couldnt I get there?
I went to do a yoga practice today and I couldnt get out of child pose, I just cried. I am still crying. I am not even too sure as to why I am crying.
My heart breaks, for my windowed friend. My heart breaks for my heartbroken friend. My heart breaks for having to let go of a life I wanted and had come to know and now dont have. I cant help but think why is there so much sadness? Why is there so much pain and hurt? If I follow scripture, its to build our character and to have hope. I know and understand all of this. In my heart, I know good things are awaiting us all heart broken people. My widow friend, may find peace, joy and comfort in knowing that her husband is with God. Even if she isnt religious, she may still find peace and comfort in her family and friends. Perhaps she'll find it liberating in a way, I dont know.
My heart broken friend, will find such an amazing incredible love. She will find someone who loves her as much as she loves others. She's such a beautiful person inside and out, there is someone who will best fit her. Someone will see all of her beauty and joy in life and want to share that. Im not worried about her in the long run. I certainly worry about her now... She doesnt realize how strong she is, she can get through this heart break. She will get up each morning and even though it hurts to smile and the hurt can consume your life... You are strong, you got this. One day, it wont hurt as bad, and another day it wont hurt at all. When you realize it doesnt hurt anymore... You will be so proud that you did it, you made it. You survived. Right now, that seems impossible. With the loss appetite, lack of sleep, sensitivity to everything and uncontrollable tears, it seems impossible. But its not. Its so incredibly possible. The hurt and pain will go away. You just need to give it a chance to go away. Make room for positive. Make room for light. Make room.
I should take my own advice... Thats the problem you see, I know and believe things to be true. I have hope, tremendous hope.... Im always thinking a head. I just dont know how to deal with now, at this moment. I dont know how to deal with this uncontrollable crying. I dont know how to manage the heavy sadness that is consuming me. I want to turn it to anger and turn it on the person, that in my opinion, created a rippled effect. It doesnt make me feel better being nasty to him. I feel weak. I feel drained. I get sick of FEELING all the time. I want to feel LOVED and not alone. I want to keep my house. I want to enjoy and take advantage of every room I have and not think "This could be the last time".
My hope needs to be as strong as it for others, for myself. I need to stop the domino effect. Focus on one thing. Make room.
I keep reflecting on things, things i probably shouldnt be reflecting on.
Thursday, a woman I work with, her husband died unexpectedly.
Friday I found my divorce should be finalized pretty soon. Depending on what day you ask me, I either burst out crying or Im jumping up and down Im so excited. Friday, I was crying. I went to yoga thinking Id feel better, met up with some friends and I just didnt have it in me to be social, so I left.
The weekend was just fine.
Monday, I found out a dear friend of mine got her heart broken.
Today, someone asked me if I started dating yet. I wasnt quite sure how to respond.
A person I truly admire, its her two year wedding anniversary today. A part of me is sad. Why couldnt I do it? Why couldnt I get there?
I went to do a yoga practice today and I couldnt get out of child pose, I just cried. I am still crying. I am not even too sure as to why I am crying.
My heart breaks, for my windowed friend. My heart breaks for my heartbroken friend. My heart breaks for having to let go of a life I wanted and had come to know and now dont have. I cant help but think why is there so much sadness? Why is there so much pain and hurt? If I follow scripture, its to build our character and to have hope. I know and understand all of this. In my heart, I know good things are awaiting us all heart broken people. My widow friend, may find peace, joy and comfort in knowing that her husband is with God. Even if she isnt religious, she may still find peace and comfort in her family and friends. Perhaps she'll find it liberating in a way, I dont know.
My heart broken friend, will find such an amazing incredible love. She will find someone who loves her as much as she loves others. She's such a beautiful person inside and out, there is someone who will best fit her. Someone will see all of her beauty and joy in life and want to share that. Im not worried about her in the long run. I certainly worry about her now... She doesnt realize how strong she is, she can get through this heart break. She will get up each morning and even though it hurts to smile and the hurt can consume your life... You are strong, you got this. One day, it wont hurt as bad, and another day it wont hurt at all. When you realize it doesnt hurt anymore... You will be so proud that you did it, you made it. You survived. Right now, that seems impossible. With the loss appetite, lack of sleep, sensitivity to everything and uncontrollable tears, it seems impossible. But its not. Its so incredibly possible. The hurt and pain will go away. You just need to give it a chance to go away. Make room for positive. Make room for light. Make room.
I should take my own advice... Thats the problem you see, I know and believe things to be true. I have hope, tremendous hope.... Im always thinking a head. I just dont know how to deal with now, at this moment. I dont know how to deal with this uncontrollable crying. I dont know how to manage the heavy sadness that is consuming me. I want to turn it to anger and turn it on the person, that in my opinion, created a rippled effect. It doesnt make me feel better being nasty to him. I feel weak. I feel drained. I get sick of FEELING all the time. I want to feel LOVED and not alone. I want to keep my house. I want to enjoy and take advantage of every room I have and not think "This could be the last time".
My hope needs to be as strong as it for others, for myself. I need to stop the domino effect. Focus on one thing. Make room.