I Dont Want You, I Dont Need You
I hate myself so much right now.
Mostly I hate myself for thinking about you.
I thought telling you off would make me feel better but instead it just made more rise up. More than I had wanted. I hate that Im thinking of you. I dont want to think about you. I dont want you, I dont need you.
Why do I keep hoping you'll change? You are never going to change. I want to give up on you. I should give up on you. I thought I did give up on you.
How do you still control me? I dont want you to, you CANT control me anymore...
But I still think about you. Then get pissed I think about you. Why am I still grieving? Why am I so hard on myself? Why today? Why today are you flooding my brain and my emotions?
I hate that I feel every little thing....
When I woke up, I thought of you. I got mad and tried going about my day. I had a difficult day and you were in the corner of my mind, all, damn, day. I was thinking about you applying for the job, that you better do it, but then I remind myself, I cant control you.
My phone doesnt vibrate or make noise anymore. Have I shut people out? I am not needed or wanted anymore... Not by others and not by you. And why does a phone dictate whether or not Im loved or thought about?
I come home to an empty house every day, some days hurt and some days dont matter. Today hurt. I sat on your stool yesterday. Washed my car yesterday. Used your car stuff... Remembering you constantly washing your car... I wondered if you fixed yours... No point in asking.
Saw a Buick commercial where the Dad and baby drive all night long, wide awake, then its morning and they are asleep at the table. I thought of you, I cried. And now all I keep thinking is fuck you. Fuck you for being in my brain. Fuck you for everything... I loved you. I cared for you. I wanted you. I wanted forever.... I wont have that. I certainly wont have it with you. And I can sit here and talk myself out of things. I can tell myself, someone else will want what I want. Someone else will love me as hard, if not harder. That someone else will be deserving of the love I have to give. I can tell myself that. I know that. But that doesnt help me now. At this moment. As I sit here and cry....
Wanting to feel loved. Wanting even just a hug. I cant just get that. You used to steal them.... Just swoop in and hug me. But God forbid if the shoe was on the other foot... You werent there....
I sat on the couch, sweating. Remembering last year how the couch would make us so hot and warm. Stop flooding my brain. Leave me alone....
Please go away...
Why am I still crying over you? I am ok. Im always ok. Things always work out... Thats what they say, thats what everyone says. Its always easier when you are on the outside looking in.
Please, just go away. I dont want to think of you. I dont want to cry over you. I dont want to cry any more. Fuck you. Please just go away....
Mostly I hate myself for thinking about you.
I thought telling you off would make me feel better but instead it just made more rise up. More than I had wanted. I hate that Im thinking of you. I dont want to think about you. I dont want you, I dont need you.
Why do I keep hoping you'll change? You are never going to change. I want to give up on you. I should give up on you. I thought I did give up on you.
How do you still control me? I dont want you to, you CANT control me anymore...
But I still think about you. Then get pissed I think about you. Why am I still grieving? Why am I so hard on myself? Why today? Why today are you flooding my brain and my emotions?
I hate that I feel every little thing....
When I woke up, I thought of you. I got mad and tried going about my day. I had a difficult day and you were in the corner of my mind, all, damn, day. I was thinking about you applying for the job, that you better do it, but then I remind myself, I cant control you.
My phone doesnt vibrate or make noise anymore. Have I shut people out? I am not needed or wanted anymore... Not by others and not by you. And why does a phone dictate whether or not Im loved or thought about?
I come home to an empty house every day, some days hurt and some days dont matter. Today hurt. I sat on your stool yesterday. Washed my car yesterday. Used your car stuff... Remembering you constantly washing your car... I wondered if you fixed yours... No point in asking.
Saw a Buick commercial where the Dad and baby drive all night long, wide awake, then its morning and they are asleep at the table. I thought of you, I cried. And now all I keep thinking is fuck you. Fuck you for being in my brain. Fuck you for everything... I loved you. I cared for you. I wanted you. I wanted forever.... I wont have that. I certainly wont have it with you. And I can sit here and talk myself out of things. I can tell myself, someone else will want what I want. Someone else will love me as hard, if not harder. That someone else will be deserving of the love I have to give. I can tell myself that. I know that. But that doesnt help me now. At this moment. As I sit here and cry....
Wanting to feel loved. Wanting even just a hug. I cant just get that. You used to steal them.... Just swoop in and hug me. But God forbid if the shoe was on the other foot... You werent there....
I sat on the couch, sweating. Remembering last year how the couch would make us so hot and warm. Stop flooding my brain. Leave me alone....
Please go away...
Why am I still crying over you? I am ok. Im always ok. Things always work out... Thats what they say, thats what everyone says. Its always easier when you are on the outside looking in.
Please, just go away. I dont want to think of you. I dont want to cry over you. I dont want to cry any more. Fuck you. Please just go away....