{Journal} Tears
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~"I want to die!" that's what is on my mind right now. I made a very big mistake that cause my father to get angry at me and pretty soon my whole family will. I can't stop from crying and blaming myself for everything. I'm not the type of person who give up easily when they have a problem nor the type of person who says, "I want to die!" when they can't solve their problems anymore. I'm the type of person who finds solutions even though there's a very small chance of solving the problem. I don't easily give up. But now, i don't know anymore. I was fed up by so many problems. Each day i always face problems that, i think a 17 yrs. old person like me shouldn't encounter. I'm not the type of person who's very showy with his/her feelings. When i am facing a problem, i don't show my sadness to other people. I don't cry nor talk, i'll just stay quiet and try to look that i'm not affected. So that, they won't pity me and i don't like sharing other people my problems because i don't think that they understand. I only cry when i'm alone. When i am angry or annoyed, i talk on my mind and not with my mouth. I do everything i want when i'm alone, because you are free to do anything you want when you are alone. That's how complicated it is for me. Sometimes, i feel the urge to talk to someone. But i try to control myself, because i'm not the type of the person who talks so freely about anything in his/her life. I hide so many secrets that sometimes i don't understand myself anymore. The only thing i have was myself, nothing more and nothing less. "When the world turns against me, i only have myself to protect me."
~I hope there will be a day where i will feel that i'm wanted and not being called, "stupid" by my father... because everytime he says that to me, i feel like i'm hopeless and unwanted by them.. that i'm a mistake, that's wasn't meant to be born... My English professor in my first yr. college once said to me that, "When you finally understand that life is difficult, you will soon realize that it wasn't really difficult at all". I know it's confusing and it may sound weird but my English professor just wants to say that, when you finally understand the way on how life works, you will easily understand that everything happens for a reason and problems are being used not for us to give up and show our weaknesses but to fight with our strength.
~I know my two statements kinda showed contradiction.. but as i type every thoughts i had before i started, it changes and it makes my mind clear.. and i feel calmer now, compared before.. i never thought that i would write such a long statements, but i made it.. and i'm thankful for that.. Now, i can smile again... because. "Rainbow comes after the Rain"
JiLLiaN AsHLeY: sign-out
~"I want to die!" that's what is on my mind right now. I made a very big mistake that cause my father to get angry at me and pretty soon my whole family will. I can't stop from crying and blaming myself for everything. I'm not the type of person who give up easily when they have a problem nor the type of person who says, "I want to die!" when they can't solve their problems anymore. I'm the type of person who finds solutions even though there's a very small chance of solving the problem. I don't easily give up. But now, i don't know anymore. I was fed up by so many problems. Each day i always face problems that, i think a 17 yrs. old person like me shouldn't encounter. I'm not the type of person who's very showy with his/her feelings. When i am facing a problem, i don't show my sadness to other people. I don't cry nor talk, i'll just stay quiet and try to look that i'm not affected. So that, they won't pity me and i don't like sharing other people my problems because i don't think that they understand. I only cry when i'm alone. When i am angry or annoyed, i talk on my mind and not with my mouth. I do everything i want when i'm alone, because you are free to do anything you want when you are alone. That's how complicated it is for me. Sometimes, i feel the urge to talk to someone. But i try to control myself, because i'm not the type of the person who talks so freely about anything in his/her life. I hide so many secrets that sometimes i don't understand myself anymore. The only thing i have was myself, nothing more and nothing less. "When the world turns against me, i only have myself to protect me."
~I hope there will be a day where i will feel that i'm wanted and not being called, "stupid" by my father... because everytime he says that to me, i feel like i'm hopeless and unwanted by them.. that i'm a mistake, that's wasn't meant to be born... My English professor in my first yr. college once said to me that, "When you finally understand that life is difficult, you will soon realize that it wasn't really difficult at all". I know it's confusing and it may sound weird but my English professor just wants to say that, when you finally understand the way on how life works, you will easily understand that everything happens for a reason and problems are being used not for us to give up and show our weaknesses but to fight with our strength.
~I know my two statements kinda showed contradiction.. but as i type every thoughts i had before i started, it changes and it makes my mind clear.. and i feel calmer now, compared before.. i never thought that i would write such a long statements, but i made it.. and i'm thankful for that.. Now, i can smile again... because. "Rainbow comes after the Rain"
JiLLiaN AsHLeY: sign-out