(no subject)
recently ive had some sort of crazy desire to feel real heart break. i dont know why. its kind of weird. i havnt been wishing for what ive normally been wishing for on 11:11. i actually havnt been wishing anything at all. but i have been doing something that i find odd. whenever i go out somewhere and i see a person (at a restaurant, at school, etc) i look at them and think if we would be good together. like, if he'd actually be attracted to me. if i think he's funny. what people would think of us if we were together. i dont know why im doing this. i dont know if its me being bored. i dont know what it is.
but about this heart break thing, i feel that maybe at my age i feel like im issing out and before it was i was missing out on being in a relationship. of being in love. but now i think im missing out on feeling what it is to have that love just die. or have someone fall out of love with you. is that weird? to want to be hurting? maybe its because i feel like im hurting all the time but not for anything significant. i just feel selfish being wrapped up in myself. i mean, what kind of person feels bad for having a secret journal no one can ever read? i mean, is that weird of me? but everything i feel in that journal i feel is so self absorbed. ive just been so self absored lately.
i think maybe its because i have no distractions. i need another fucking job so i can spend a lot less time with my friends. because the more i spend with them that more i feel like im an outsider. its weird to say because i love them but everyone is paired off now. and im never the one with a pair. so its always me finding what everyone is doing and seeing if its ok for me to tag along. i dont want to tag along. i want to have my own life and my own things to be preoccupied with.
i want to go back to ocala again. and i say this every few weeks but whenever i go to there ill be instantly upset and want to come back. but i dont think itll be that bad when i go back. but now i work wedensdays at the museum so that in hibits my staying in ocala for a long time.
i also spend way too much money in daytona. my god its ridic.
i also really want my own place to stay soon. i dont like staying with someone. i want my own room with my own space. and my dog! omg do i miss my dog. i want my own space and my own room and my own bed with my dog sleeping in it!
im going to start writing again i think too. i started that photo school AU months ago but think im really going to maybe finish it... or just start writing it again to get my mind onto something.
i hope to have a steady stream of photo work coming in soon too. my sister's friends want photos now and this DJ i photographed liked his shots a lot and is going to start waving people my way. so hopefully this is a good start to something for me. maybe.
-jillian
but about this heart break thing, i feel that maybe at my age i feel like im issing out and before it was i was missing out on being in a relationship. of being in love. but now i think im missing out on feeling what it is to have that love just die. or have someone fall out of love with you. is that weird? to want to be hurting? maybe its because i feel like im hurting all the time but not for anything significant. i just feel selfish being wrapped up in myself. i mean, what kind of person feels bad for having a secret journal no one can ever read? i mean, is that weird of me? but everything i feel in that journal i feel is so self absorbed. ive just been so self absored lately.
i think maybe its because i have no distractions. i need another fucking job so i can spend a lot less time with my friends. because the more i spend with them that more i feel like im an outsider. its weird to say because i love them but everyone is paired off now. and im never the one with a pair. so its always me finding what everyone is doing and seeing if its ok for me to tag along. i dont want to tag along. i want to have my own life and my own things to be preoccupied with.
i want to go back to ocala again. and i say this every few weeks but whenever i go to there ill be instantly upset and want to come back. but i dont think itll be that bad when i go back. but now i work wedensdays at the museum so that in hibits my staying in ocala for a long time.
i also spend way too much money in daytona. my god its ridic.
i also really want my own place to stay soon. i dont like staying with someone. i want my own room with my own space. and my dog! omg do i miss my dog. i want my own space and my own room and my own bed with my dog sleeping in it!
im going to start writing again i think too. i started that photo school AU months ago but think im really going to maybe finish it... or just start writing it again to get my mind onto something.
i hope to have a steady stream of photo work coming in soon too. my sister's friends want photos now and this DJ i photographed liked his shots a lot and is going to start waving people my way. so hopefully this is a good start to something for me. maybe.
-jillian