(no subject)
You know what I'm really tired of? Being tired. I went to bed at 9:00 last night, barely being able to keep my eyes open. Well I still didn't wake up to my alarm clock, as usual, and I slept in late, and was so tired and out of it all day long. I just don't get it. I'm not oversleeping, and I'm getting enough sleep that I should need. So why am I so tired all the time? It's annoying as hell.
Today was an okay day, except I was extremely tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open right now, and it's been like that all day. I looked like complete crap all day, because I woke up late and basically threw on some clothes and put up my hair, applying little make-up; I was a mess. Then we had this assembly thing in which this guy named Reggie came and gave us a "motivational speech." I actually really liked it, I think he's an amazing public speaker. It was humorous, but I was crying by the end of it because of everything he talked about. I'm too sensitive, haha. I don't know I just found it incredibly touching, as cheesy as that sounds. So as a lot of you probably know, when I cry, and I mean really cry, I look so messed up afterwords. My eyes are puffy and red and whatever and I just look like a mess. Well, today, because I woke up, I already looked bad, and then I cried, so after the assembly, I looked about 8 millionnnnnn times worse all day. It was bad. B-a-d.
Anyways, the main message of this Reggie guys speech was that "life is a rollercoaster" and that you can't help your past, but you can help your future. I guess I found this so touching because it felt like someone, who didn't even know me, could describe how I feel. I mean he started talking about how you have those nights where you listen to your headphones, with the same song on repeat and stuff like that. Everynight I have to go to bed to music, and its because it prevents me from thinking. It blocks out all the thoughts that make me cry seem to find their way to my head and just come pouring out. I applied everything this guy had talked about to my family, which I know you all are probably sick of hearing about. Sorry. Well, you know, I can't help everything that happens in my family. I didn't ask for my dad to hit me, I didn't ask for them to put me down, I didn't ask for them to love my sister with everything they have but hate me, and I didn't ask for my mom to be an alcoholic. These are the cards I was dealt, unfortunatly, and I can't change that. However, I can cope with it. I can be better than they are, and I can become someone better from my experiences. Right now, I'm in groups, and I have my friends, and I have myself. That's all I need. I can be my own support system, and my friends sure give me a great deal of support. And that's all I need. I don't need my parents to reassure me that I do things well, to comfort me, to help me...although that'd be nice. I have my friends, and they're the best people I have, and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. This school year, as most of you know, I have really gone on this I-have-to-get-a-4.0 craze. Where last year I cared less about school and never applied myself. I guess that this is in result of a subconcious thing I have going on. I have such a strong desire to be really sucessful, so that I can throw it back in my parents face someday because I got there myself, without them. The problem with this, is that I have become so obsessed with doing "excellent" on everything, that anytime I do something wrong, or I don't do very well on something I get completely miserable about it and it turns into a self-bashing fest in my mind. I'm afraid to do things now, because I'm afraid that I'm going to do my best and fail. And I hate it, I absolutely hate this feeling. I don't really know what to do about it anymore. I can hardly even look at myself in the mirror because I don't like the way I look. And it goes deeper than that, I don't like who I am. And that has to stop.
I guess this speech just really brought up some feelings that I've been dredging for a while now, and its time to let them go and move on.
Sorry if this post was cheesy or whatever. Deal with it. It's my journal, and I'm not here to impress anyone with my thoughts.
Hope everything is well with everyone else. ♥
Today was an okay day, except I was extremely tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open right now, and it's been like that all day. I looked like complete crap all day, because I woke up late and basically threw on some clothes and put up my hair, applying little make-up; I was a mess. Then we had this assembly thing in which this guy named Reggie came and gave us a "motivational speech." I actually really liked it, I think he's an amazing public speaker. It was humorous, but I was crying by the end of it because of everything he talked about. I'm too sensitive, haha. I don't know I just found it incredibly touching, as cheesy as that sounds. So as a lot of you probably know, when I cry, and I mean really cry, I look so messed up afterwords. My eyes are puffy and red and whatever and I just look like a mess. Well, today, because I woke up, I already looked bad, and then I cried, so after the assembly, I looked about 8 millionnnnnn times worse all day. It was bad. B-a-d.
Anyways, the main message of this Reggie guys speech was that "life is a rollercoaster" and that you can't help your past, but you can help your future. I guess I found this so touching because it felt like someone, who didn't even know me, could describe how I feel. I mean he started talking about how you have those nights where you listen to your headphones, with the same song on repeat and stuff like that. Everynight I have to go to bed to music, and its because it prevents me from thinking. It blocks out all the thoughts that make me cry seem to find their way to my head and just come pouring out. I applied everything this guy had talked about to my family, which I know you all are probably sick of hearing about. Sorry. Well, you know, I can't help everything that happens in my family. I didn't ask for my dad to hit me, I didn't ask for them to put me down, I didn't ask for them to love my sister with everything they have but hate me, and I didn't ask for my mom to be an alcoholic. These are the cards I was dealt, unfortunatly, and I can't change that. However, I can cope with it. I can be better than they are, and I can become someone better from my experiences. Right now, I'm in groups, and I have my friends, and I have myself. That's all I need. I can be my own support system, and my friends sure give me a great deal of support. And that's all I need. I don't need my parents to reassure me that I do things well, to comfort me, to help me...although that'd be nice. I have my friends, and they're the best people I have, and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. This school year, as most of you know, I have really gone on this I-have-to-get-a-4.0 craze. Where last year I cared less about school and never applied myself. I guess that this is in result of a subconcious thing I have going on. I have such a strong desire to be really sucessful, so that I can throw it back in my parents face someday because I got there myself, without them. The problem with this, is that I have become so obsessed with doing "excellent" on everything, that anytime I do something wrong, or I don't do very well on something I get completely miserable about it and it turns into a self-bashing fest in my mind. I'm afraid to do things now, because I'm afraid that I'm going to do my best and fail. And I hate it, I absolutely hate this feeling. I don't really know what to do about it anymore. I can hardly even look at myself in the mirror because I don't like the way I look. And it goes deeper than that, I don't like who I am. And that has to stop.
I guess this speech just really brought up some feelings that I've been dredging for a while now, and its time to let them go and move on.
Sorry if this post was cheesy or whatever. Deal with it. It's my journal, and I'm not here to impress anyone with my thoughts.
Hope everything is well with everyone else. ♥