(no subject)
I talked to Katy tonight for the first time in months. I miss the shit out of that girl. She's in the army reserves right now, living in California and working at a yogurt shop. I'm proud of her. She seems to be doing really well, and living like an adult. The cards have been so heavily stacked against her for her whole life...
I hadn't been in touch, because all things Myers family just give me ALL the feelings, and it's hard, and I'd been avoiding it. But I love Katy (and all my in-laws) and I knew it was past time to let her know I was thinking of her. Sure enough, talking to her started the waterworks. Everything I've been through this year has been an incredible challenge. I don't think there was any path from where I was to where I want to be that doesn't include a huge pile of struggle, so it's not like I feel like if I'd just done one thing differently, life would be easier...if we're playing that game, I'd have to go back to like elementary school, and no thanks.
Sure, if I knew then (whenever, pick a year) what I know now, things would be really, really different. But I had to learn this shit somehow. And I'm still learning. I regret all the collateral damage, but I guess that's the risk you take when you interact with humans -- that they might be human, too, and might not have their ducks perfectly in a row. Shanon said something really amazingly helpful the other day. She said if your friends have bad habits, and they like you, you're probably enabling them. She said this while cracking the whip on me to clean my house. Anyway it's not that I shut people out or stop liking them when they point out my destructive tendencies...I just have a large pool of people who won't call me on my bullshit, and they're my (un)safety net. For most of my life, I've relied on a chorus of acquaintances who barely give a shit to justify my really unjustifiable feelings/behaviors/etc. It's really nice to have so many healthy adults in my life these days. It's contagious. The people I hang with make me want to me better. Thanks, y'all.
Random not-even-a-tangent: I found a Railroad Posters of America coloring book at the grocery store (of all places!) last week. It's all these vintage rail posters...so that's what I'm doing this evening. Crazy how long it takes to color one page. I don't remember it being this intense when I was a kid. But it's good meditation. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I'm not unhappy...so that's acceptable. I'll try to do better tomorrow.
I hadn't been in touch, because all things Myers family just give me ALL the feelings, and it's hard, and I'd been avoiding it. But I love Katy (and all my in-laws) and I knew it was past time to let her know I was thinking of her. Sure enough, talking to her started the waterworks. Everything I've been through this year has been an incredible challenge. I don't think there was any path from where I was to where I want to be that doesn't include a huge pile of struggle, so it's not like I feel like if I'd just done one thing differently, life would be easier...if we're playing that game, I'd have to go back to like elementary school, and no thanks.
Sure, if I knew then (whenever, pick a year) what I know now, things would be really, really different. But I had to learn this shit somehow. And I'm still learning. I regret all the collateral damage, but I guess that's the risk you take when you interact with humans -- that they might be human, too, and might not have their ducks perfectly in a row. Shanon said something really amazingly helpful the other day. She said if your friends have bad habits, and they like you, you're probably enabling them. She said this while cracking the whip on me to clean my house. Anyway it's not that I shut people out or stop liking them when they point out my destructive tendencies...I just have a large pool of people who won't call me on my bullshit, and they're my (un)safety net. For most of my life, I've relied on a chorus of acquaintances who barely give a shit to justify my really unjustifiable feelings/behaviors/etc. It's really nice to have so many healthy adults in my life these days. It's contagious. The people I hang with make me want to me better. Thanks, y'all.
Random not-even-a-tangent: I found a Railroad Posters of America coloring book at the grocery store (of all places!) last week. It's all these vintage rail posters...so that's what I'm doing this evening. Crazy how long it takes to color one page. I don't remember it being this intense when I was a kid. But it's good meditation. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I'm not unhappy...so that's acceptable. I'll try to do better tomorrow.