the fear
it's sunday. I havent spoken or seen him since tuesday. even when he opened the door for me wednesday morning i didn't see him. every day i'm amazing at my self control. but i realize it's only out of fear that i get through the moments when i miss talking to him. or seeing him. or thinking about him. fear that i'll have to hear the change in him. fear that i'll have to hear about her. or someone else. i don't want to know. i don't want to hear what i'm sure i would hear. even if it's not now, soon enough it will happen. i don't think i can take that. it's too much. even if i didnt care. even though i know he's a miserable excuse for a friend and was an emotionless child. i still want to be wanted. i want him to change my mind, to prove everything wrong. but he doesnt. because he doesnt want to. if he did, he would call me 20 times a day. but i'm sure he's tried to txt me, and when he couldn't reach me just moved on. i think maybe in a way its better. or worse. jorge cared. i cared. and i was dysfunctional for months. he doesn't care. it's like a truth that leaves me in a constant thirst. the #1 cause for divorce is that both parties (maybe it just takes 1 actually) stop caring. they stop working together to fix things. i dont think he ever tried to work together. he didn't even work. i did. or i just gave in. and that's a terrible thing. i thought i'd improve on my past. i feel i just regressed.