Conflict in the Forest / Enlightenment in the City
Conflict in the Forest / Enlightenment in the City
There comes a time when someone whom you DON’T have a high opinion of teaches you.
Two years ago, around Halloween 2021, I had someone berate me intentionally in front of others. For thirty minutes. In someone else’s home. In front of mutual friends.
But here is the important part. I got the right lesson this time. Rather than taking the woman seriously, or what she said seriously, I asked myself why I was in the position for her to attempt to bully. Why am I listening to someone who requested my presence, but in weeks is at auctioneering speed trying to talk bad about me?
It gave me a window to look at women in the past, and in the future. It’s one of the first times a woman tried to make me look bad, and my old opinion of her dropped, rather than me wanting to repair her image of me. It was the first time that I thought that not only was it inevitable, but desirable, for certain people to leave my life - even if it’s their decision and not mine.
This was a boon for me in how I approach:
Work: I realized that the only reason I was listening to a woman whom I considered uneducated, boorish, and defeminized was because I wasn’t minding the money. I could buy my way out of the headache. So I did. In the twenty one months since I’ve had her yell, not so much at me, but about me, I’ve been unemployed for two weeks in one stretch. I’ve had two jobs for about half of that period. The preceding week I’ve clocked over sixty hours. My income quadrupled.
The thing is, it isn’t about the money. It isn’t about the accolades from students or coworkers. It’s about security. I personally was disgusted by the aforementioned argument. And I’m not easily repulsed by people. I’ve eaten food and sang (albeit drunkenly) with the homeless. I once had a job for two years that required me to go into (or underneath) people’s homes, including trailers. This is the first person in ten years who made me think they’re disgusting. The admixture of arrogance, being incorrect, and being mean together?
Women: I'm pretty open about using my past experiences with women with my relationship with Elise. She knows that I have had so many headaches. She knows the events that had me return from Virginia was a poly relationship that went bust. She knows that the aforementioned conflicts have made me peace oriented, to the point I am willing to forgo feminine influence. Who would have figured the autistic would be the one smart enough to figure out what I literally will pay money to avoid?
I think the maturity of the relationship is based on its banality. When I had to go to the ER, it was the first time I had a romantic partner support me while infirm. I'm becoming amused at what is obvious now, and what I can't explain. I understand women around me better, and can get it.
When I lived in Virginia, that's when I had my youngest partner, twelve years younger than myself. In Oregon my oldest partner was ten years older. Now, I won't entertain a day over five years in either direction. My oldest students are a year older than my youngest sexual partner. One could see how that would inspire me to tighten up. The age difference between my oldest and youngest partner is twenty two years. Now? The age between the youngest and oldest acceptable partner is ten (five years older/younger than myself).
I think on a different plane, also. I have someone who is insistent that I could have taken things differently in Alaska. Fair enough. But, I have in my daily responsibilities, I am thinking about student safety, government administration, student wellbeing, while trying to memorize the new students that come in each week. I’m not into self-flogging. And I don’t have the time to remember to eat, sometimes.
The thing that I summed up from my time in the North was career preservation. I burned myself by not being prudent not only with work, but with friendships. I had a coworker who was unhappy with me who I misread, took a lot of comfort in, and it blew in my face. And actually, I hold blameless those involved in it. Mainly, because I don’t have the time.
The moment has been crossed where women would tell me to let it go, to the one where they can’t remember if I ever cared. It’s not that I’m cold, it’s just that, with all things equal, I’d rather spend the rest of my lifespan on things I think that will matter than into things (or people) where I no longer believe. I’ve got no active dislike of any people of any area I’ve lived in, it’s just I prefer not masking (thinking one thing while showing something else to keep my reputation). It’s exhausting.
Health: As of 10Oct23, I can't drink, per doctor. So, it’s been a week of ups and downs. Physically, I’m fine. Mentally, the first three days sucked. And the wildest part is when people ask what happens if I drink. As far as I understand, no one knows. Most likely, nothing. Possibly, pancreatitis turns from acute (on occasion) to chronic (regularly). How many drinks does it take to go into where they have to take the pancreas out? Maybe one, or one hundred, or one thousand.
Leg? Getting better, but the process is long. Measured in years, not weeks. The first four months of 2023 (Jan-April) I was on a cane. The next four (May-August) was a whole bunch of chiro, some paid by the VA, some paid on my own dime. Now (Sep-Oct) is being refined. While this has been a MUCH more problematic thing this preceding year, it fell to the backseat while I was in the hospital bed. This DOES tie into Alaska - even if my coworker went out of her way to make me look good, rather than make me look terrible, I still wouldn’t be able to work in Natural Resources - Tue hasn’t had two fully functional legs in over a year.
(This all ties into my career. Remember, I had one breakup too many, and I worked on and off for ten years in education. Tue would rather deal with warm four year olds than frigid forty year olds. Likewise, when Tue worked in a hyperphysical state outside in Alaska, underground in Missouri, and under houses in Washington state, Tue knows he can’t do ANY work that is primarily physical. That’s a recipe for a sudden death from leg failure at a critical time.)
Conclusions: I lucked out. The weight of self reflection is high, but the monotony of being forced to repeat your mistakes, and in turn watch your offspring, equally unimpressive with self-reflection, ALSO repeat your mistakes, would be ever higher. Even the job, stressful as it is, has made things self-evident. Some days are ten hour days, such as the current one where I’m typing this out, where I learn the things that people either won’t tell me (so I can learn and prosper more) or can’t (because they’re too self absorbed to know what information I myself do not know).
Those who used to anger me amuse me now. Those who live for righteous anger will live with wrinkles and stress fat. Wrinkles that my complexion hides and that my gender makes me less relevant. Someone may annoy me for the day, but they got to wear their personality on their face and hips for a lifetime.
Which isn't to say I don't improve because of them. I work harder because of things that happened in rural Missouri. I never want the trashy and tactless to run me, so I need the money to bypass them. Rural Alaska taught me to have others speak first - I need to know friend from foe better. Military Virginia taught me to be more conservative in my outlook. I think like a Republican but vote like a Democrat. Suburban Oregon taught me to think pragmatically, not idealistically. Idealism is not what others use to bullshit me, but what I use to bullshit myself.
It’s a new, sober day. Sober both in the concrete, literal, lack of intoxication; and the acceptance of who people are, who I am, and whether or not the mix works for both parties. I’m glad that the things that happened happened when they did. I would rather deal with a money-sucking roommate in Oregon BEFORE my income exploded than after. Washington State was useful in managing people. I had a scenario happen where I wanted an apology for when I was accused of something that not only did I not do, I could prove I didn’t. As a hard and fast rule, I don’t deal with those who can’t apologize - not to punish past indiscretions, but to rid myself of future ones.
People who apologize I don’t think will mindlessly harm in the same way. People who don’t .., they refuse to acknowledge harm - which makes them more likely to repeat it.
My critics do have one point. One. Why am I so intertwined with people where neither party is happy? So I stopped. The bitchy are still bitchy, I presume. But I DID learn from the most recent conflict, and figured out what I was supposed to learn from others. It gives me an opportunity to grow into whom I’m supposed to grow into, while leaving those people behind. And I’m carrying bits and pieces. I’m MORE aggressive after Alaska - because I want the conditions that caused me to be dismissed to come quickly rather than slowly. I don’t want to get emotionally invested AND take the blame. It’s cheaper for me to go home when I have zero emotional investment. I’m more hesitant with people because of Washington and Virginia. I would MUCH rather go at it alone than endure all the blame when things go bad WITHOUT absorbing all the benefit when things go well.
And when I realize that those who are boorish, uneducated and aggressive I can treat like they’re fresh out the trailer park? Oh, that was home grown in Missouri. And once I was taught that, it was off to the races. This changed up my relations with everyone. I’m quick to admit to error because mindlessly yelling I consider self-emasculation, since I never seen a man I respect do that. Ever. After seeing the loss of respect I had for someone yelling untruths, I make sure to never raise my voice - or ever speak something more likely than not to be untrue. I'm money hungry because I noticed from the woman I'm referencing never feels the need to be cruel to those whom she doesn't feel superior to. That's why I need the money - to never have ANYONE make that mistake. That's why I need to carry myself with gravitas, for the same reason. Since the bullying behavior I associate with trashiness, I make a concerted effort to listen better.
In the Post: I do like my coworkers. I live with one - as in we share a bed. Our lease, my bedframe, her TV, our coffee table and futon, her dish set, my modem we call the egg, her meal and the like. Remember the coworker that I had in Alaska that was unhappy with me, so waited three months to burn my reputation? Our brutal honesty is how this is the longest monogamous relationship in ten years. Look for the woman opposite of the coworker I had in Alaska.
Can the environment be brutal? Absolutely. Everything from Tue's age to Elise's family's mental health to coworkers’ weight (or gray hair) is up for grabs. Why am I happy with my coworkers and the overall experience? We'll use the example as a counterpoint. I was thankful that the woman here in Missouri who went banshee on me didn't know me well enough to say anything truly hurtful. With my coworkers who I trust to be beyond malicious, to be above it, I now have something to build healthy off of.
This is still new to me. I've kept reintroducing women into my life whose characteristics seem to be written as caricatures from the most misogynistic person I know. But now, it's time for a new story.
There comes a time when someone whom you DON’T have a high opinion of teaches you.
Two years ago, around Halloween 2021, I had someone berate me intentionally in front of others. For thirty minutes. In someone else’s home. In front of mutual friends.
But here is the important part. I got the right lesson this time. Rather than taking the woman seriously, or what she said seriously, I asked myself why I was in the position for her to attempt to bully. Why am I listening to someone who requested my presence, but in weeks is at auctioneering speed trying to talk bad about me?
It gave me a window to look at women in the past, and in the future. It’s one of the first times a woman tried to make me look bad, and my old opinion of her dropped, rather than me wanting to repair her image of me. It was the first time that I thought that not only was it inevitable, but desirable, for certain people to leave my life - even if it’s their decision and not mine.
This was a boon for me in how I approach:
Work: I realized that the only reason I was listening to a woman whom I considered uneducated, boorish, and defeminized was because I wasn’t minding the money. I could buy my way out of the headache. So I did. In the twenty one months since I’ve had her yell, not so much at me, but about me, I’ve been unemployed for two weeks in one stretch. I’ve had two jobs for about half of that period. The preceding week I’ve clocked over sixty hours. My income quadrupled.
The thing is, it isn’t about the money. It isn’t about the accolades from students or coworkers. It’s about security. I personally was disgusted by the aforementioned argument. And I’m not easily repulsed by people. I’ve eaten food and sang (albeit drunkenly) with the homeless. I once had a job for two years that required me to go into (or underneath) people’s homes, including trailers. This is the first person in ten years who made me think they’re disgusting. The admixture of arrogance, being incorrect, and being mean together?
Women: I'm pretty open about using my past experiences with women with my relationship with Elise. She knows that I have had so many headaches. She knows the events that had me return from Virginia was a poly relationship that went bust. She knows that the aforementioned conflicts have made me peace oriented, to the point I am willing to forgo feminine influence. Who would have figured the autistic would be the one smart enough to figure out what I literally will pay money to avoid?
I think the maturity of the relationship is based on its banality. When I had to go to the ER, it was the first time I had a romantic partner support me while infirm. I'm becoming amused at what is obvious now, and what I can't explain. I understand women around me better, and can get it.
When I lived in Virginia, that's when I had my youngest partner, twelve years younger than myself. In Oregon my oldest partner was ten years older. Now, I won't entertain a day over five years in either direction. My oldest students are a year older than my youngest sexual partner. One could see how that would inspire me to tighten up. The age difference between my oldest and youngest partner is twenty two years. Now? The age between the youngest and oldest acceptable partner is ten (five years older/younger than myself).
I think on a different plane, also. I have someone who is insistent that I could have taken things differently in Alaska. Fair enough. But, I have in my daily responsibilities, I am thinking about student safety, government administration, student wellbeing, while trying to memorize the new students that come in each week. I’m not into self-flogging. And I don’t have the time to remember to eat, sometimes.
The thing that I summed up from my time in the North was career preservation. I burned myself by not being prudent not only with work, but with friendships. I had a coworker who was unhappy with me who I misread, took a lot of comfort in, and it blew in my face. And actually, I hold blameless those involved in it. Mainly, because I don’t have the time.
The moment has been crossed where women would tell me to let it go, to the one where they can’t remember if I ever cared. It’s not that I’m cold, it’s just that, with all things equal, I’d rather spend the rest of my lifespan on things I think that will matter than into things (or people) where I no longer believe. I’ve got no active dislike of any people of any area I’ve lived in, it’s just I prefer not masking (thinking one thing while showing something else to keep my reputation). It’s exhausting.
Health: As of 10Oct23, I can't drink, per doctor. So, it’s been a week of ups and downs. Physically, I’m fine. Mentally, the first three days sucked. And the wildest part is when people ask what happens if I drink. As far as I understand, no one knows. Most likely, nothing. Possibly, pancreatitis turns from acute (on occasion) to chronic (regularly). How many drinks does it take to go into where they have to take the pancreas out? Maybe one, or one hundred, or one thousand.
Leg? Getting better, but the process is long. Measured in years, not weeks. The first four months of 2023 (Jan-April) I was on a cane. The next four (May-August) was a whole bunch of chiro, some paid by the VA, some paid on my own dime. Now (Sep-Oct) is being refined. While this has been a MUCH more problematic thing this preceding year, it fell to the backseat while I was in the hospital bed. This DOES tie into Alaska - even if my coworker went out of her way to make me look good, rather than make me look terrible, I still wouldn’t be able to work in Natural Resources - Tue hasn’t had two fully functional legs in over a year.
(This all ties into my career. Remember, I had one breakup too many, and I worked on and off for ten years in education. Tue would rather deal with warm four year olds than frigid forty year olds. Likewise, when Tue worked in a hyperphysical state outside in Alaska, underground in Missouri, and under houses in Washington state, Tue knows he can’t do ANY work that is primarily physical. That’s a recipe for a sudden death from leg failure at a critical time.)
Conclusions: I lucked out. The weight of self reflection is high, but the monotony of being forced to repeat your mistakes, and in turn watch your offspring, equally unimpressive with self-reflection, ALSO repeat your mistakes, would be ever higher. Even the job, stressful as it is, has made things self-evident. Some days are ten hour days, such as the current one where I’m typing this out, where I learn the things that people either won’t tell me (so I can learn and prosper more) or can’t (because they’re too self absorbed to know what information I myself do not know).
Those who used to anger me amuse me now. Those who live for righteous anger will live with wrinkles and stress fat. Wrinkles that my complexion hides and that my gender makes me less relevant. Someone may annoy me for the day, but they got to wear their personality on their face and hips for a lifetime.
Which isn't to say I don't improve because of them. I work harder because of things that happened in rural Missouri. I never want the trashy and tactless to run me, so I need the money to bypass them. Rural Alaska taught me to have others speak first - I need to know friend from foe better. Military Virginia taught me to be more conservative in my outlook. I think like a Republican but vote like a Democrat. Suburban Oregon taught me to think pragmatically, not idealistically. Idealism is not what others use to bullshit me, but what I use to bullshit myself.
It’s a new, sober day. Sober both in the concrete, literal, lack of intoxication; and the acceptance of who people are, who I am, and whether or not the mix works for both parties. I’m glad that the things that happened happened when they did. I would rather deal with a money-sucking roommate in Oregon BEFORE my income exploded than after. Washington State was useful in managing people. I had a scenario happen where I wanted an apology for when I was accused of something that not only did I not do, I could prove I didn’t. As a hard and fast rule, I don’t deal with those who can’t apologize - not to punish past indiscretions, but to rid myself of future ones.
People who apologize I don’t think will mindlessly harm in the same way. People who don’t .., they refuse to acknowledge harm - which makes them more likely to repeat it.
My critics do have one point. One. Why am I so intertwined with people where neither party is happy? So I stopped. The bitchy are still bitchy, I presume. But I DID learn from the most recent conflict, and figured out what I was supposed to learn from others. It gives me an opportunity to grow into whom I’m supposed to grow into, while leaving those people behind. And I’m carrying bits and pieces. I’m MORE aggressive after Alaska - because I want the conditions that caused me to be dismissed to come quickly rather than slowly. I don’t want to get emotionally invested AND take the blame. It’s cheaper for me to go home when I have zero emotional investment. I’m more hesitant with people because of Washington and Virginia. I would MUCH rather go at it alone than endure all the blame when things go bad WITHOUT absorbing all the benefit when things go well.
And when I realize that those who are boorish, uneducated and aggressive I can treat like they’re fresh out the trailer park? Oh, that was home grown in Missouri. And once I was taught that, it was off to the races. This changed up my relations with everyone. I’m quick to admit to error because mindlessly yelling I consider self-emasculation, since I never seen a man I respect do that. Ever. After seeing the loss of respect I had for someone yelling untruths, I make sure to never raise my voice - or ever speak something more likely than not to be untrue. I'm money hungry because I noticed from the woman I'm referencing never feels the need to be cruel to those whom she doesn't feel superior to. That's why I need the money - to never have ANYONE make that mistake. That's why I need to carry myself with gravitas, for the same reason. Since the bullying behavior I associate with trashiness, I make a concerted effort to listen better.
In the Post: I do like my coworkers. I live with one - as in we share a bed. Our lease, my bedframe, her TV, our coffee table and futon, her dish set, my modem we call the egg, her meal and the like. Remember the coworker that I had in Alaska that was unhappy with me, so waited three months to burn my reputation? Our brutal honesty is how this is the longest monogamous relationship in ten years. Look for the woman opposite of the coworker I had in Alaska.
Can the environment be brutal? Absolutely. Everything from Tue's age to Elise's family's mental health to coworkers’ weight (or gray hair) is up for grabs. Why am I happy with my coworkers and the overall experience? We'll use the example as a counterpoint. I was thankful that the woman here in Missouri who went banshee on me didn't know me well enough to say anything truly hurtful. With my coworkers who I trust to be beyond malicious, to be above it, I now have something to build healthy off of.
This is still new to me. I've kept reintroducing women into my life whose characteristics seem to be written as caricatures from the most misogynistic person I know. But now, it's time for a new story.