(no subject)
sometimes i just dont know what to do. its like i have every opportunity in the world to do just about anything i could want to do and im really not satisfied with that, i couldnt be any better off right now for myself, i mean i could... but there's nothing that holds be back or anything. yeah my unsatisfaction only exists because i cant seem to do more for myself when it comes to certain things...
i lack the confidence and time to talk to anyone about anything that truly bothers me. i get stuck with the whole idea that im just wasting someone's time or this or that, not making sense, you know every little problem you can think of, well that's exactly what i've got on my mind when i unload anything on anyone. i hate being so selfish... it becomes more of a problem when im actually seeking out help, rather than when im just complimenting myself in front of everyone and telling everyone how great i am. i mean i can be all kinds of selfish, and needy when it comes to things like that... but this need is just something else that always blows me away.
it really is kind of sad to think that you're somehow doing something wrong when you feel miserable and just want someone to talk to, even if its your best friend, the person that claims that is your best friend... mom, dad... you know anyone who does give a damn, or should.
i know i have many people willing to take that roll for me, and i know that id be willing to take that roll for so many people if i became an option for them, i mean ive even put myself in that roll for some...
i mean even if im not the best for that kind of stuff, id still try... that stands for something.
i hate feeling guilty for asking someone to be a friend to me i guess. i could go on about why its like that and whatnot but ive got other things to umn, write about...
so ana's a freeloader. ana likes to have a good time, and i should probably wonder why i still care about this girl, she should have been like a 5 months ago thing. (i hate how i give my heart out so easily. i just dont really forget a lot of things... its like my heart really does like to store memories, and if i remember that someone gave me this or that, you know the smallest thing ever i feel like they did such a big favor for me and im so greatful that id do just about anything for them in return... ive always had that. it derived from a you scratch my back, ill scratch your back policy im sure.. but i guess one day it turned into a you did this for me now you owe me this, oh i did this for you and so you owe me that... i cant it was hard for me to believe that, but i can finally say that " yeah, that's exactly what happened.") anyway she supposedly is something i would approve of, according to the description this one person gives me of her. i dont know i remember seeing something in her, i guess i felt touched when all these diffrent things seemed to have come from her heart, i guess i made a stupid mistake as to the times i should have gone up to her and hugged her, the times i should have kissed her, the fact that i probably could have... yeah that, and much more... im really unsure as to what im feeling about her. i know i could still be a part of her life, we were talking about going to church together... all this stuff.
i could go on forever about her i guess...
recently ive been having this fucking grand ass idea. id like to just get away, you know... i finally see that im just a big kiss ass you know... im a waiter, and just about any waiter who wants to make money is going to be a kiss ass in one way or another. anyway i get this fucking idea! i want to go on these mission like trips, not even that... im not trying to convert anyone into any relgion, i just want to hand out fucking rice to people that need it. i hate free loaders though, maybe i could like show someone how to grow and harvest a crop and live off it? you know i want to actually feel and see a difference i can make, i mean ive heard all this crap of being able to do so in a daily basis... how you can affect someone else by just being as well mannered and nice and giving to everyone you see around you, and it'd be nice to fucking apply that, only... itll be so easy to be taken advantage then... i mean just like any person just giving out free fucking rice to the fucking needy, but i mean atleast you know they appreciate it.. but i guess you will always have the freeloader whos going to depend on it, or the motherfucker who wants more than they need... i dont know. i wish i wern't so negative. i want to give rice to people that are dying of starvation or something. i want to be involved with some kind of compassionate matter to soothe my own life with all this unneccessary human drama i continue to bury myself in.
i mean i wish that for a year or something i could go to this fucking world where everything you get is a result of the responsibility and ability to work for something... easy money's great, but being able to survive with your own abilities is greater... you know, using you head, making a well to get water from... having to go pitch it out for daily use, drinking, cooking, bathing... killing what you eat, or growing it! being self sufficient. not having to think about taxes, and everyone else that's doing what youre getting. i mean i guess progress exists because of this... i guess progression is always good, but fuck man... it isnt worth to progress if in turn youre going to lose the knowledge of many other things you can do for yourself. i just wish i could say fuck all these diffrent things blah blah blah.
i really want to rant on some more and maybe i will, doubt it, but im much more sleepier at 130 to be doing more of it... blah
i lack the confidence and time to talk to anyone about anything that truly bothers me. i get stuck with the whole idea that im just wasting someone's time or this or that, not making sense, you know every little problem you can think of, well that's exactly what i've got on my mind when i unload anything on anyone. i hate being so selfish... it becomes more of a problem when im actually seeking out help, rather than when im just complimenting myself in front of everyone and telling everyone how great i am. i mean i can be all kinds of selfish, and needy when it comes to things like that... but this need is just something else that always blows me away.
it really is kind of sad to think that you're somehow doing something wrong when you feel miserable and just want someone to talk to, even if its your best friend, the person that claims that is your best friend... mom, dad... you know anyone who does give a damn, or should.
i know i have many people willing to take that roll for me, and i know that id be willing to take that roll for so many people if i became an option for them, i mean ive even put myself in that roll for some...
i mean even if im not the best for that kind of stuff, id still try... that stands for something.
i hate feeling guilty for asking someone to be a friend to me i guess. i could go on about why its like that and whatnot but ive got other things to umn, write about...
so ana's a freeloader. ana likes to have a good time, and i should probably wonder why i still care about this girl, she should have been like a 5 months ago thing. (i hate how i give my heart out so easily. i just dont really forget a lot of things... its like my heart really does like to store memories, and if i remember that someone gave me this or that, you know the smallest thing ever i feel like they did such a big favor for me and im so greatful that id do just about anything for them in return... ive always had that. it derived from a you scratch my back, ill scratch your back policy im sure.. but i guess one day it turned into a you did this for me now you owe me this, oh i did this for you and so you owe me that... i cant it was hard for me to believe that, but i can finally say that " yeah, that's exactly what happened.") anyway she supposedly is something i would approve of, according to the description this one person gives me of her. i dont know i remember seeing something in her, i guess i felt touched when all these diffrent things seemed to have come from her heart, i guess i made a stupid mistake as to the times i should have gone up to her and hugged her, the times i should have kissed her, the fact that i probably could have... yeah that, and much more... im really unsure as to what im feeling about her. i know i could still be a part of her life, we were talking about going to church together... all this stuff.
i could go on forever about her i guess...
recently ive been having this fucking grand ass idea. id like to just get away, you know... i finally see that im just a big kiss ass you know... im a waiter, and just about any waiter who wants to make money is going to be a kiss ass in one way or another. anyway i get this fucking idea! i want to go on these mission like trips, not even that... im not trying to convert anyone into any relgion, i just want to hand out fucking rice to people that need it. i hate free loaders though, maybe i could like show someone how to grow and harvest a crop and live off it? you know i want to actually feel and see a difference i can make, i mean ive heard all this crap of being able to do so in a daily basis... how you can affect someone else by just being as well mannered and nice and giving to everyone you see around you, and it'd be nice to fucking apply that, only... itll be so easy to be taken advantage then... i mean just like any person just giving out free fucking rice to the fucking needy, but i mean atleast you know they appreciate it.. but i guess you will always have the freeloader whos going to depend on it, or the motherfucker who wants more than they need... i dont know. i wish i wern't so negative. i want to give rice to people that are dying of starvation or something. i want to be involved with some kind of compassionate matter to soothe my own life with all this unneccessary human drama i continue to bury myself in.
i mean i wish that for a year or something i could go to this fucking world where everything you get is a result of the responsibility and ability to work for something... easy money's great, but being able to survive with your own abilities is greater... you know, using you head, making a well to get water from... having to go pitch it out for daily use, drinking, cooking, bathing... killing what you eat, or growing it! being self sufficient. not having to think about taxes, and everyone else that's doing what youre getting. i mean i guess progress exists because of this... i guess progression is always good, but fuck man... it isnt worth to progress if in turn youre going to lose the knowledge of many other things you can do for yourself. i just wish i could say fuck all these diffrent things blah blah blah.
i really want to rant on some more and maybe i will, doubt it, but im much more sleepier at 130 to be doing more of it... blah