(no subject)
so, what's happening to me? i havnt shaved since saturday, maybe friday. i havnt showered in almost 2 days im pretty sure im alot heftier than ever before, even if the scales say ive only gained 3lbs. for a little while back i was little depressed for being so dumb i guess? im on better terms now... all i need to do is start applying those better thoughts about myself on a regular basis.
i mean after you tell someone that you dont see them in the same way you used to, start ignoring them, and add a bit of an assholish attitude it's only understandable for them to look the other way to avoid being hurt, right? even/especially if you are/were the best thing that could have happened to them.
my room had been really messy for a couple of months, and im just now starting to pick up... i sleep for like 10 hrs which are the most ive ever gotten, even if the 2 jobs did wear me out, i think its about time i start my old life's scheduling over again... i havnt worked out nearly as much as i planned on and i feel like such a bum/lazy asshole for not taking that opportunity. i mean that's one of the bigger reasons as to why i did what i did.
umn i'm feeling like a loser for not having as much money as i "should" have. i mean i havnt worked since sunday night... ive had the chance to work just about any day since then, but eh i felt better doing nothing. anyway i dont know i guess overall im slightly ashamed for having place such a value on things. yeah that buddhist persepective, whatever happened to that? i was supposed to reach peace that way, but i felt more peace knowing i could buy a little bit of this and that whenever i wanted, eat over here and over there if i was hungry, party at this place or that one if i felt like it, go here or there and all that other stupid crap. we had a little family get together tonight and i was supposed to get so smashed, it only feels good to drink around friends who are also getting fucking trashed, a whole house full of them.
i guess to get to the bottom of things i was just a little upset because i lost track of what it was i wanted, was it the girl/girls? recognition at work? a new fucking car, to live off on my own, a closer friend ya know like the one i once had... a perfect body, nice teeth, great hair, a nice jaw line, big biceps... the fucking world, to be a bartender, the best headwait...lots of money, the prettiest girl at my side, beautiful girls to talk to... to place more worth on myself in those kind of ways?
distractions catch me all the time... its lame to sit here waiting for someone, or something else to tell me the next move i should make, it sucks to be afraid to chance certain things, i guess i hate being scared of not knowing certain things...
i mean im still the guy who cares way too much, and is oh so fucking nice, kinda cute, with a great smile... what more should i ask of myself? its like ive thought before, i make my own world, and its my choice to live however i want it, it can be hell, or the greatest thing ever... i should stop thinking so negatively as often as i do. it's just become too hard to see what ive got, and what i dont... in my mind i am everything i want to be, and i can do anything i want to do... and im not as irresponsible as im being right now, or careless... it really is true, i am quite scary when i detach myself from everything, i am quite cold sometimes... this distance thing is killing me. i guess its about time i came back to life and what not. umn, hello world... i guess?
sometimes i seriously need to look at myself and try to figure out what i am, i get confused way too easily sometimes and hold up labels i really dont want to have on me... it sucks that i can fit in so well just about anywhere... i mean seriously what am i?
ill go think about that and come up with something, waking up is kind of hard sometimes
i mean after you tell someone that you dont see them in the same way you used to, start ignoring them, and add a bit of an assholish attitude it's only understandable for them to look the other way to avoid being hurt, right? even/especially if you are/were the best thing that could have happened to them.
my room had been really messy for a couple of months, and im just now starting to pick up... i sleep for like 10 hrs which are the most ive ever gotten, even if the 2 jobs did wear me out, i think its about time i start my old life's scheduling over again... i havnt worked out nearly as much as i planned on and i feel like such a bum/lazy asshole for not taking that opportunity. i mean that's one of the bigger reasons as to why i did what i did.
umn i'm feeling like a loser for not having as much money as i "should" have. i mean i havnt worked since sunday night... ive had the chance to work just about any day since then, but eh i felt better doing nothing. anyway i dont know i guess overall im slightly ashamed for having place such a value on things. yeah that buddhist persepective, whatever happened to that? i was supposed to reach peace that way, but i felt more peace knowing i could buy a little bit of this and that whenever i wanted, eat over here and over there if i was hungry, party at this place or that one if i felt like it, go here or there and all that other stupid crap. we had a little family get together tonight and i was supposed to get so smashed, it only feels good to drink around friends who are also getting fucking trashed, a whole house full of them.
i guess to get to the bottom of things i was just a little upset because i lost track of what it was i wanted, was it the girl/girls? recognition at work? a new fucking car, to live off on my own, a closer friend ya know like the one i once had... a perfect body, nice teeth, great hair, a nice jaw line, big biceps... the fucking world, to be a bartender, the best headwait...lots of money, the prettiest girl at my side, beautiful girls to talk to... to place more worth on myself in those kind of ways?
distractions catch me all the time... its lame to sit here waiting for someone, or something else to tell me the next move i should make, it sucks to be afraid to chance certain things, i guess i hate being scared of not knowing certain things...
i mean im still the guy who cares way too much, and is oh so fucking nice, kinda cute, with a great smile... what more should i ask of myself? its like ive thought before, i make my own world, and its my choice to live however i want it, it can be hell, or the greatest thing ever... i should stop thinking so negatively as often as i do. it's just become too hard to see what ive got, and what i dont... in my mind i am everything i want to be, and i can do anything i want to do... and im not as irresponsible as im being right now, or careless... it really is true, i am quite scary when i detach myself from everything, i am quite cold sometimes... this distance thing is killing me. i guess its about time i came back to life and what not. umn, hello world... i guess?
sometimes i seriously need to look at myself and try to figure out what i am, i get confused way too easily sometimes and hold up labels i really dont want to have on me... it sucks that i can fit in so well just about anywhere... i mean seriously what am i?
ill go think about that and come up with something, waking up is kind of hard sometimes