Help.Please
So in a matter of a month, I have managed to ruin almost everything I have. I'm not exactly sure how or why. I broke up with Jen, thinking that it would be the best thing for me, because I was entirely too interested in Lisa. And not that I wanted to be with Lisa, but it just wasn't fair to myself or anyone else with how I was feeling. And although I KNEW I would fail, I suppose I wanted to fail. And now I'm sitting here by myself on Friday night, because I've fucked it all up.
Starting with Jen: I still have no idea why we broke up. I try to figure it out every day. Do I love her yes. Am I in love with her? No? Tonight she went out with Dom. And brought wine with her. She never drank wine with me. Never bought me wine either. Or brought it. Why? But she does it now. Its sad. I let her go because I wanted her to be happy. Does that mean that she was never happy with me? Because she never did any of these things with me. I'm starting to think that I did the wrong thing. I'm misrible. I wasn't. I am now. And I am not really sure why. Am I just not happy with what I have? Nothing makes sense anymore.
Lisa: Did I want to be with her? Yes. Why? Because she treated me the way I wanted to be. She made me feel different than everyone else. And then after kissing her I decided I was pretty much okay with just being friends, because it was pretty obvious there was nothing on the other end. But seeing her with B is too much. I don't know why I hate her so much. I didn't mind J...even though she was nuts. And J1 was fine, just didn't like how she treated Lisa. I don't know what it is now....But it makes me want to throw up. And then I went and got drunk and said something stupid about her not caring about other people. And I really was hurt that she just left me there. But I chose the wrong way to deal with it. And that was my problem. So now I've almost managed to lose one of the best friends I've had because of my emotions...or lack there of the control of them.
Meegs: A girl I can NOT figure out. And I like that. I am pretty interested in her. I have been since I met her. I just assumed she wouldn't like me after what happened and prom. Now I don't know. Some times she flirts with me, and other days she seems aloof, which is really just her style. I like talking to her, but she doesn't like spending time with me...or anyone really. And I hate trying so hard for her. But shes funny and smart, and different than ANYONE else, and I think thats part of her appeal. Shes not the people I know NOW.
Friends: Gone. Most of them anyway. None of them give a shit about anything that is going on. I can't talk to anyone, and when I do they just laugh or brush it off. I always feel like a burden to them. And the old friends don't invite me anywhere, and the new ones....there aren't any really. Oh well. I've ruined my life by trying to make one for myself.
I'm misrible. I hate it. I don't like who I am right now. I don't like who I'm becoming or what I'm doing to myself. Or what I could do to myself. I'm getting to that point again. And I have no one to turn too. I just want to be held. To feel loved and wanted and needed and feel warm inside again. Right now I'm empty and I'm tired of being empty. I want Jen back, but for all the wrong reasons. Someone is going to love her so right. And I know she deserves it. But why can't I do that? I'm tired of being me. I want to be who I was. I want to be fearless and happy and carefree, and emotionally secure. How do I get there again? Where do I go? Who do I ask......
Help.Please.
Starting with Jen: I still have no idea why we broke up. I try to figure it out every day. Do I love her yes. Am I in love with her? No? Tonight she went out with Dom. And brought wine with her. She never drank wine with me. Never bought me wine either. Or brought it. Why? But she does it now. Its sad. I let her go because I wanted her to be happy. Does that mean that she was never happy with me? Because she never did any of these things with me. I'm starting to think that I did the wrong thing. I'm misrible. I wasn't. I am now. And I am not really sure why. Am I just not happy with what I have? Nothing makes sense anymore.
Lisa: Did I want to be with her? Yes. Why? Because she treated me the way I wanted to be. She made me feel different than everyone else. And then after kissing her I decided I was pretty much okay with just being friends, because it was pretty obvious there was nothing on the other end. But seeing her with B is too much. I don't know why I hate her so much. I didn't mind J...even though she was nuts. And J1 was fine, just didn't like how she treated Lisa. I don't know what it is now....But it makes me want to throw up. And then I went and got drunk and said something stupid about her not caring about other people. And I really was hurt that she just left me there. But I chose the wrong way to deal with it. And that was my problem. So now I've almost managed to lose one of the best friends I've had because of my emotions...or lack there of the control of them.
Meegs: A girl I can NOT figure out. And I like that. I am pretty interested in her. I have been since I met her. I just assumed she wouldn't like me after what happened and prom. Now I don't know. Some times she flirts with me, and other days she seems aloof, which is really just her style. I like talking to her, but she doesn't like spending time with me...or anyone really. And I hate trying so hard for her. But shes funny and smart, and different than ANYONE else, and I think thats part of her appeal. Shes not the people I know NOW.
Friends: Gone. Most of them anyway. None of them give a shit about anything that is going on. I can't talk to anyone, and when I do they just laugh or brush it off. I always feel like a burden to them. And the old friends don't invite me anywhere, and the new ones....there aren't any really. Oh well. I've ruined my life by trying to make one for myself.
I'm misrible. I hate it. I don't like who I am right now. I don't like who I'm becoming or what I'm doing to myself. Or what I could do to myself. I'm getting to that point again. And I have no one to turn too. I just want to be held. To feel loved and wanted and needed and feel warm inside again. Right now I'm empty and I'm tired of being empty. I want Jen back, but for all the wrong reasons. Someone is going to love her so right. And I know she deserves it. But why can't I do that? I'm tired of being me. I want to be who I was. I want to be fearless and happy and carefree, and emotionally secure. How do I get there again? Where do I go? Who do I ask......
Help.Please.