Why? A question in response to so many questions.
I can't help but feel like a huge part of me has been broken off. I have every reason to feel that way, because in reality, it has. You've all heard about my challenges and mishaps in the land of Laura love and misfortune. If you shared a meal, a bottle of wine, or even your heart with me; chances are i've spilled mine to you. So majority of you know that my words are real, my feelings genuine, and my heart constantly torn apart. I'm twenty one years old, and have never expected to completely jump over obstacles like i've just won best in show.
This is hard, much harder than I have ever anticipated. Many times i've chosen to give up, and almost like clockwork I find myself back into my old routine. Is it because I wasn't ever ready to fully commit to giving up? Or was it that being miserable in his presence was so much easier than being miserable without it? I'm miserable. And no matter what anyone tells me about how I should feel, the truth is, my heart has been stomped on. I feel like my entire adult life was spent chasing after something, or someone that never truely exsisted. I almost wish I could hate him. Although never possible, I wish it were that easy. There's just so many questions I feel I need answered before I think I could begin to heal. I can't just give up, how can you just wake up one morning and forget what you've devoted three years to. I can't. That's the thing about resolutions, even when all million questions are answered, the full picture is never really clear.
Suddenly questions are coming up that i've never thought to ask. Why? Why is it that you waited three years to tell me this? Why do you keep coming back? Why not just give up? Even though those are all great questions, the only "why" I want answered is, Why didn't you just try? If nothing else, just amuse and play with the idea that maybe this isn't a whole make believe story i've concocted in my head. Maybe those feelings were real, and you felt them to. I must admit, the worst thing you could ever have done to me, is to think so little of me that you never even wanted to try. It makes me feel so disgusting and ugly as a person, to think that so many other things and topics were off limits, but basically the only thing that had limits and boundries was the one thing you've built a solid wall against. I could graciously accept my failures, if you could reasonably answer "Why not me." The words "I don't know" are so over used and over worked, that they merely become a catch phrase for "I can't give you a reason". It's unacceptable, and i'm done with being dissapointed.
Maybe in growing up i've learned that dissapointment is an essential in life. I'll never appologize for what i've done, and how I felt, because it brought me here. I've come to understand that maybe it wasn't worth fighting for someone who never fought for me. Maybe I just need to find the person who is willing to fight for me. Maybe i've just come to accept that he went one way and I went another, two seemingly opposite ways that could never meet in the middle in a place where we were both at, at the same time. Maybe I just need to accept that he's a coward, and was afraid or intimidated by the idea, or that i'll never have the answers. Maybe i'll just keep writing until the words don't pour from my fingertips anymore. Maybe he'll read this, and say what I want him to say, but maybe, most likely, he just doesn't have a clue where to start.
Like I said, I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind happen to me. It sure as hell would make breathing in and out a lot easier. I could still hang on to that hope, but when pertaining to certain people and situations, i've lost my optimistic value. I'm jaded. I'm cynical. I'm a mess. But i've learned, and I guess at very leas, I can be grateful for that.
This is hard, much harder than I have ever anticipated. Many times i've chosen to give up, and almost like clockwork I find myself back into my old routine. Is it because I wasn't ever ready to fully commit to giving up? Or was it that being miserable in his presence was so much easier than being miserable without it? I'm miserable. And no matter what anyone tells me about how I should feel, the truth is, my heart has been stomped on. I feel like my entire adult life was spent chasing after something, or someone that never truely exsisted. I almost wish I could hate him. Although never possible, I wish it were that easy. There's just so many questions I feel I need answered before I think I could begin to heal. I can't just give up, how can you just wake up one morning and forget what you've devoted three years to. I can't. That's the thing about resolutions, even when all million questions are answered, the full picture is never really clear.
Suddenly questions are coming up that i've never thought to ask. Why? Why is it that you waited three years to tell me this? Why do you keep coming back? Why not just give up? Even though those are all great questions, the only "why" I want answered is, Why didn't you just try? If nothing else, just amuse and play with the idea that maybe this isn't a whole make believe story i've concocted in my head. Maybe those feelings were real, and you felt them to. I must admit, the worst thing you could ever have done to me, is to think so little of me that you never even wanted to try. It makes me feel so disgusting and ugly as a person, to think that so many other things and topics were off limits, but basically the only thing that had limits and boundries was the one thing you've built a solid wall against. I could graciously accept my failures, if you could reasonably answer "Why not me." The words "I don't know" are so over used and over worked, that they merely become a catch phrase for "I can't give you a reason". It's unacceptable, and i'm done with being dissapointed.
Maybe in growing up i've learned that dissapointment is an essential in life. I'll never appologize for what i've done, and how I felt, because it brought me here. I've come to understand that maybe it wasn't worth fighting for someone who never fought for me. Maybe I just need to find the person who is willing to fight for me. Maybe i've just come to accept that he went one way and I went another, two seemingly opposite ways that could never meet in the middle in a place where we were both at, at the same time. Maybe I just need to accept that he's a coward, and was afraid or intimidated by the idea, or that i'll never have the answers. Maybe i'll just keep writing until the words don't pour from my fingertips anymore. Maybe he'll read this, and say what I want him to say, but maybe, most likely, he just doesn't have a clue where to start.
Like I said, I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind happen to me. It sure as hell would make breathing in and out a lot easier. I could still hang on to that hope, but when pertaining to certain people and situations, i've lost my optimistic value. I'm jaded. I'm cynical. I'm a mess. But i've learned, and I guess at very leas, I can be grateful for that.