They don't have a word or a cute icon for how I feel right now.
So, it's been a while. Hey there. I decided last night that, since I have entirely too many mental disorders and currently not enough time to seek the aid of psychiatric help 4 times a week, that i'd start up my journal again. Because as all of you know, I think entirely too much sometimes. And If any of you are still on here, then i'd love you're butting in- to analyze why the fuck, i'm so fucked up.
Maybe i'm bipolar... only in my relationships. Is that possible? I go through these phases where I can't get enough of a specific person, so I suck them in entirely, but then I have these moments where I can't stand to even think about them because I get so mad at the fact that they're not reciprocating how I'm feeling. That's understandable though. I feel, that when I'm into something- or someone for that matter, That I go above and beyond to show it. And i've done some amazing, impulsive, and at the same time dramatically unneeded things. I'm a passionate person, and when I feel that way about someone I don't try to hide it, or apologize for it. But there always comes a point where I can't take rejection anymore. I can't tolerate the thought of me wanting something I can't have. Mainly because I'm not used to it, I've always gotten everything I have ever wanted, within reason, and usually when I worked for it. I just don't understand sometimes how these efforts are going unnoticed. Dating and relationships are not like the field of dreams, build it, and he still may not come.
But then I have these moments, when I push people away. And I don't completely understand that either. Usually it's the ones who want to give me everything, that I push away. Could I possibly have commitment issues up the ass? I mean, I'm always wanting the uninterested, possibly because I know the chase is never ending. Maybe the way to end this ridiculous circle i'm in is for him to look at me straight in the eyes and say "Laura, I love you." Because I'm pretty sure at this point my gut reaction would be to turn and run and never look back. How could it be that the one thing I want with every fiber of my being, is the one thing I'm petrified of?
So another essence of me, is that sometimes I can't distinguish the line of friendship and more. Sometimes that line is really thin, and really jagged, and sometimes not consecutive. It's easy for me to be confused about it, after all I am a woman. And we do think entirely different then men do. We think love, commitment, and are planning our weddings by the third really great date; and for them all they're thinking at the end of the third really great date is whether or not we're going to let them upstairs. It's hard being "just friends" with someone you care about. You're going to always want more, and always feel rejected when as men, they can distinguish the line a little clearer than us. When in this position, the hardest thing you can do is push them away, and although it may seem like the right thing to do at the time, the feeling of wanting them doesn't go away, we feed off of it. But again, we're stubborn and feeble women, and we will not be the first one to speak. Not when it's been us all along, always the first one to speak. Maybe we or I, even, push them away for a rude awakening. Because if they cared, they would say something, but when they don't, that's exactly what it is. A rude awakening. After the third week of them not saying anything, you regret it entirely. Because that little bit of something, was a lot better than this whole lot of nothing.
Maybe the safest way to go about things are just to not try. Trying is hard, the effort is hard, and useless. My best relationships have been effortless, mutual and effortless. Call me cynical- but knowing me, and who I am, can you really blame me?
Maybe i'm bipolar... only in my relationships. Is that possible? I go through these phases where I can't get enough of a specific person, so I suck them in entirely, but then I have these moments where I can't stand to even think about them because I get so mad at the fact that they're not reciprocating how I'm feeling. That's understandable though. I feel, that when I'm into something- or someone for that matter, That I go above and beyond to show it. And i've done some amazing, impulsive, and at the same time dramatically unneeded things. I'm a passionate person, and when I feel that way about someone I don't try to hide it, or apologize for it. But there always comes a point where I can't take rejection anymore. I can't tolerate the thought of me wanting something I can't have. Mainly because I'm not used to it, I've always gotten everything I have ever wanted, within reason, and usually when I worked for it. I just don't understand sometimes how these efforts are going unnoticed. Dating and relationships are not like the field of dreams, build it, and he still may not come.
But then I have these moments, when I push people away. And I don't completely understand that either. Usually it's the ones who want to give me everything, that I push away. Could I possibly have commitment issues up the ass? I mean, I'm always wanting the uninterested, possibly because I know the chase is never ending. Maybe the way to end this ridiculous circle i'm in is for him to look at me straight in the eyes and say "Laura, I love you." Because I'm pretty sure at this point my gut reaction would be to turn and run and never look back. How could it be that the one thing I want with every fiber of my being, is the one thing I'm petrified of?
So another essence of me, is that sometimes I can't distinguish the line of friendship and more. Sometimes that line is really thin, and really jagged, and sometimes not consecutive. It's easy for me to be confused about it, after all I am a woman. And we do think entirely different then men do. We think love, commitment, and are planning our weddings by the third really great date; and for them all they're thinking at the end of the third really great date is whether or not we're going to let them upstairs. It's hard being "just friends" with someone you care about. You're going to always want more, and always feel rejected when as men, they can distinguish the line a little clearer than us. When in this position, the hardest thing you can do is push them away, and although it may seem like the right thing to do at the time, the feeling of wanting them doesn't go away, we feed off of it. But again, we're stubborn and feeble women, and we will not be the first one to speak. Not when it's been us all along, always the first one to speak. Maybe we or I, even, push them away for a rude awakening. Because if they cared, they would say something, but when they don't, that's exactly what it is. A rude awakening. After the third week of them not saying anything, you regret it entirely. Because that little bit of something, was a lot better than this whole lot of nothing.
Maybe the safest way to go about things are just to not try. Trying is hard, the effort is hard, and useless. My best relationships have been effortless, mutual and effortless. Call me cynical- but knowing me, and who I am, can you really blame me?