(no subject)
Today hasn't been a good day and it's only 9am. I woke up alert, which was good, but I woke up kinda nervous. Here's the deal:
I have wanted to go on vacation for a while now, well really all the time I'd like to go on vacation. and after being in this crappy cold weather(although it's quite warm right now) I wanted to go to the bahamas. So i expressed my desire to go, and sarah jumped on it which made me happy. matt didn't, and that's where it starts. After that, I didn't have as much of a desire to go. I dont' like flying, and I don't have much money. But it's this matt thing that's really bothering me.
He said yesterday that I dont' follow through on things, but i realized this morning i don't follow through on things i want to do that he does not. and that happens a lot. granted, the things i want to do cost money. but when i suggest these things to him, it's stuff i want to do with HIM. well, really i'd want to go with everyone in the apartment, but him the most. and when he doesn't go and i contemplate going without him, i think of all these problems with going. like the money and my fear of flying. and i can't decide whether it's because i fear he's looking down on me when i make poor choices or it's just me looking down on myself and using him as an excuse.
i want to go, i really do. the hotel looks amazing and i'd love to just chill on the beach with sarah and gina. but i just dont' feel good about this and it's really pissing me off.
i had put my umbrella in my pocket this morning while walking to the train station and when i got there, i realized that i don't have it anymore. i didn't even realize it fell out of my pocket. while i was on the train i passed by it on the corner of park ave and ridgedale. and now i'm stressed becausei have to buy another umbrella which is going to cost money. i need to stop this spending of money, i really do. it's on the top of my list of resolutions, after driving more, and right before speaking my mind.
so i'm just really torn right now. i want to go to the bahamas to have fun and relax with sarah and gina, i want to go because it's something i want to do and it would be good to do something i wanted even if matt didn't want to go(i fear i care too much what he thinks and i fear i'm getting too attached like an old married couple). plus these are the last few years i have my own finances. once i get married and have kids, i can't do things for me anymore esp. when it comes to finances. so i should enjoy it while i can. and i don't want to let sarah and gina down as well, because they are looking forward to it just like i am.
but on the other hand, it's still a lot of money. and i feel SO GUILTY after spending so much money. and i guess i wanted more people to go because that would mean they are spending that much money too so i wouldn't be making the wrong choice. but since matt and lauren aren't going for that reason, and they are basically in the same financial situation as me, i feel like im' being careless with my money. also, i still have that fear of flying i need to work on, and i would need to take two days off work, which may be bad since i may need to take quite a few days off when my grandma dies, which will probably be this year.
all i know is i feel better when writing or talking about it. i'm still not sure what i'm going to do. but i do have to work now. so there.
I have wanted to go on vacation for a while now, well really all the time I'd like to go on vacation. and after being in this crappy cold weather(although it's quite warm right now) I wanted to go to the bahamas. So i expressed my desire to go, and sarah jumped on it which made me happy. matt didn't, and that's where it starts. After that, I didn't have as much of a desire to go. I dont' like flying, and I don't have much money. But it's this matt thing that's really bothering me.
He said yesterday that I dont' follow through on things, but i realized this morning i don't follow through on things i want to do that he does not. and that happens a lot. granted, the things i want to do cost money. but when i suggest these things to him, it's stuff i want to do with HIM. well, really i'd want to go with everyone in the apartment, but him the most. and when he doesn't go and i contemplate going without him, i think of all these problems with going. like the money and my fear of flying. and i can't decide whether it's because i fear he's looking down on me when i make poor choices or it's just me looking down on myself and using him as an excuse.
i want to go, i really do. the hotel looks amazing and i'd love to just chill on the beach with sarah and gina. but i just dont' feel good about this and it's really pissing me off.
i had put my umbrella in my pocket this morning while walking to the train station and when i got there, i realized that i don't have it anymore. i didn't even realize it fell out of my pocket. while i was on the train i passed by it on the corner of park ave and ridgedale. and now i'm stressed becausei have to buy another umbrella which is going to cost money. i need to stop this spending of money, i really do. it's on the top of my list of resolutions, after driving more, and right before speaking my mind.
so i'm just really torn right now. i want to go to the bahamas to have fun and relax with sarah and gina, i want to go because it's something i want to do and it would be good to do something i wanted even if matt didn't want to go(i fear i care too much what he thinks and i fear i'm getting too attached like an old married couple). plus these are the last few years i have my own finances. once i get married and have kids, i can't do things for me anymore esp. when it comes to finances. so i should enjoy it while i can. and i don't want to let sarah and gina down as well, because they are looking forward to it just like i am.
but on the other hand, it's still a lot of money. and i feel SO GUILTY after spending so much money. and i guess i wanted more people to go because that would mean they are spending that much money too so i wouldn't be making the wrong choice. but since matt and lauren aren't going for that reason, and they are basically in the same financial situation as me, i feel like im' being careless with my money. also, i still have that fear of flying i need to work on, and i would need to take two days off work, which may be bad since i may need to take quite a few days off when my grandma dies, which will probably be this year.
all i know is i feel better when writing or talking about it. i'm still not sure what i'm going to do. but i do have to work now. so there.