My life is officially wierd lol
So, the whole thing with randy didn't work out to say the least. when i found the book on satanism talking about how to cut unborn babies out of pregnant womans stomachs, nah fuck that im good. like i knew he called him self a satanist but thinkink that that shit is a load of shit, i didnt really pay much attention. apparently he is far more crazy than i thought. we broke up september 9th
since then, really the whole thing has been some fucked up lie. i still lay in bed, waiting for him to come here. god knows if he does, he probably will actually kill me. i have sick dreams about him, kidnapping serenity, doing sick things to me in front of bug, but theres nowhere to run. all i can do is hope i cant wait this storm out until theres no way he can find me ever again.
ive only gained 12 pounds so far but the doctors arent terribly worried. he said as long as i keep eating and gaining some weight i should be fine though so im sure everything will be okay. i dont understand it though, i eat more than a grown man and still havent gained much weight :P
Draven and i got back together but i sat down one night and told my mom about everything my step dad did to me, as much as i could stand to remember, and i realized, i dont think she ever honestly knew. the look in her eyes, i dunno, somehow i just cant bring myself to think she knew. i always did but i dont now.
so then, we broke up because i freaked out severely. i felt like i could have just laid there and died. it was the most messed up i thik ive ever been. i just laid around and cried for weeks.
then i got to talknig to a guy, ryan that i used to work with and we hooked up for about 3 weeks but since he lived in evansville, with his babys momma, stopped calling me and everything else i said fuck that shit.
draven and i havent gotten back together yet but were working on it.
ive come to realize alot about myself very fast: i realized the reason i kept breaking up with him was because i knew it could be something serious, and even as much as i wanted that, i was so scared of it too. partly i think from spending 5 years of my life dedicated to an asshole who didnt even treat me like a human, although, i realized its not because i still have any kinds of feelings for him. im just mad i wasted so much time for someone who never wanted me anyways. watching my mom go through all that she did, i think that had alot to do with it too. also i think thats why i cheated on him, because i saw things getting serious and sought out to destroy the relationship because i figured if it really was that good then he would leave me eventually anyways. i think im really afraid of putting myself out there like that in fear of getting hurt.
he said i couldnt explain my feelings or show how i felt and i think that had something to do with it too. i think because of not really being around anyone that ever really could show their feelings maybe i never learned to show mine. also i think that if i did, then it gives someone the chance to hurt me. although i thought i was doing a really good job with it, i think subconsiously i couldnt really let myself go with it because i was scared.
also i think thats why we broke up this last time, because i saw things falling apart in my own life and didnt want to drag him into it and i assumed if i was that fucked up hed leave me anyways.
also, ive come to realize why i was ever with men in the first place: i realized i was gay when i was 9 and because i knew it was "wrong" i spent the rest of my time trying to be with men to prove to myself that i wasnt. when in fact, i am. i also think i did it to prove that i could be with a man and that having everything that happened to me not bother me. for years ive told myself i was okay with it when here recently i realized im not okay with it. but i can get through day to day because i know now that since i know im not okay with it, i can deal with it.
also i think men freak me out because i attribute them to my step dad and therefor i cant stand to even really be touched my men. sexual or not. im also scared theyll hurt me. or forse themselves on me if i put myself in the position for it to happen.
so why does being with someone who will ultimately be a man not bother me? because i know that he, as a man or woman, would never hurt me, hes probably one of the only people in this world i trust completely.
although i have come to determine that really as far as sexuality, i dont have one. i dont consider myself straight or bi or les. i just am. im not sure exactly what you would call it. but i just dont have a preference. one, simply because i am in love with one person. thats all, i can lay down and have sex with anyone but really, im not attracted to anyone else anymore. he is simply the one single most attractive person i have ever laid eyes on. and has been since i first saw him 11 years ago. and honestly. alot of people ask me how i could be attracted someone that looks like he does, but everything that they see wrong, makes him all the more perfect to me.
well i guess this is a few thoughts ive had here lately. i guess thats it for now kids, until next time.
since then, really the whole thing has been some fucked up lie. i still lay in bed, waiting for him to come here. god knows if he does, he probably will actually kill me. i have sick dreams about him, kidnapping serenity, doing sick things to me in front of bug, but theres nowhere to run. all i can do is hope i cant wait this storm out until theres no way he can find me ever again.
ive only gained 12 pounds so far but the doctors arent terribly worried. he said as long as i keep eating and gaining some weight i should be fine though so im sure everything will be okay. i dont understand it though, i eat more than a grown man and still havent gained much weight :P
Draven and i got back together but i sat down one night and told my mom about everything my step dad did to me, as much as i could stand to remember, and i realized, i dont think she ever honestly knew. the look in her eyes, i dunno, somehow i just cant bring myself to think she knew. i always did but i dont now.
so then, we broke up because i freaked out severely. i felt like i could have just laid there and died. it was the most messed up i thik ive ever been. i just laid around and cried for weeks.
then i got to talknig to a guy, ryan that i used to work with and we hooked up for about 3 weeks but since he lived in evansville, with his babys momma, stopped calling me and everything else i said fuck that shit.
draven and i havent gotten back together yet but were working on it.
ive come to realize alot about myself very fast: i realized the reason i kept breaking up with him was because i knew it could be something serious, and even as much as i wanted that, i was so scared of it too. partly i think from spending 5 years of my life dedicated to an asshole who didnt even treat me like a human, although, i realized its not because i still have any kinds of feelings for him. im just mad i wasted so much time for someone who never wanted me anyways. watching my mom go through all that she did, i think that had alot to do with it too. also i think thats why i cheated on him, because i saw things getting serious and sought out to destroy the relationship because i figured if it really was that good then he would leave me eventually anyways. i think im really afraid of putting myself out there like that in fear of getting hurt.
he said i couldnt explain my feelings or show how i felt and i think that had something to do with it too. i think because of not really being around anyone that ever really could show their feelings maybe i never learned to show mine. also i think that if i did, then it gives someone the chance to hurt me. although i thought i was doing a really good job with it, i think subconsiously i couldnt really let myself go with it because i was scared.
also i think thats why we broke up this last time, because i saw things falling apart in my own life and didnt want to drag him into it and i assumed if i was that fucked up hed leave me anyways.
also, ive come to realize why i was ever with men in the first place: i realized i was gay when i was 9 and because i knew it was "wrong" i spent the rest of my time trying to be with men to prove to myself that i wasnt. when in fact, i am. i also think i did it to prove that i could be with a man and that having everything that happened to me not bother me. for years ive told myself i was okay with it when here recently i realized im not okay with it. but i can get through day to day because i know now that since i know im not okay with it, i can deal with it.
also i think men freak me out because i attribute them to my step dad and therefor i cant stand to even really be touched my men. sexual or not. im also scared theyll hurt me. or forse themselves on me if i put myself in the position for it to happen.
so why does being with someone who will ultimately be a man not bother me? because i know that he, as a man or woman, would never hurt me, hes probably one of the only people in this world i trust completely.
although i have come to determine that really as far as sexuality, i dont have one. i dont consider myself straight or bi or les. i just am. im not sure exactly what you would call it. but i just dont have a preference. one, simply because i am in love with one person. thats all, i can lay down and have sex with anyone but really, im not attracted to anyone else anymore. he is simply the one single most attractive person i have ever laid eyes on. and has been since i first saw him 11 years ago. and honestly. alot of people ask me how i could be attracted someone that looks like he does, but everything that they see wrong, makes him all the more perfect to me.
well i guess this is a few thoughts ive had here lately. i guess thats it for now kids, until next time.