(no subject)

[jewbie]

So he killed himself. I wake up one day to discover that one of the kids I thought would always be there suddenly wasn't. There's a space there now. A void in my chest that makes my heart ache. Like physically ache- a tangible pain that expresses what's going on mentally. And I can't be angry. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm pissed. I can't believe he did this- that he was this fucking impulsive and could do that to himself. But, I mostly just miss him. With my entire being. I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with him. Go to more shows, have more dinners, more movies. And I'll miss his hugs. His hugs that enveloped that total of me. Twice my size and able to almost crush me, he would give the best hugs. His stupid humor and horrible taste in food. So much I never got to show him. So much he never got to see. I miss you Alex. I miss you every second.

And I'm sorry for so much. For everything I couldn't do and everything I couldn't be for you. I love you and I'll miss you always.