Ballad Of Big Nothing- Part XXIX
Ballad Of Big Nothing
Part XXIX
Ballad Of Big Nothing
Part XXIX
The crown molding in her room was 'Princess Ivory'. Claire remembered that Heidi had insisted upon the color when she'd first moved into the Petrelli mansion- it all seemed liked ages ago now. It baffled her how something as insignificant as the color of a room mattered anymore, when she was intricately sewn into a web completely full of mess.
Heidi had volunteered and insisted to go and get a pregnancy test, even though Claire had repeatedly told her that she couldn't possibly be pregnant. It was a lie- there was, because the more she thought about it, the more she realized how incredibly stupid they had both been. Never once had they ever used a condom. It was like the thought had never even crossed their minds, and their ignorance now completely baffled her.
All normal couples would have instantly thought about that first, and would have made sure they had some type of contraceptive. But them? They had never even spoken about it. Their obsession for each other had been so deep- so intense, that they had never really had time to stop and think rationally about what they were doing.
The sudden, persistent knocking on her door made her turn her head and breathe in deeply, trying to shred all thoughts of every one of their encounters out of her head. Claire tucked her hair behind her ear and swallowed as she opened her door to reveal a smiling Heidi with a pregnancy-test-box. That's when it happened, all the nervous flustering in her stomach again- from how incredibly realistic it was all suddenly becoming.
Nine months ago she'd been in Odessa, Texas with the perfect boyfriend and no worries in the world. Nine months back- she was still a virgin, she was oblivious to the fact that she had a supermodel uncle- whom she was completely in love with, and she had been happy and content that way. Claire hated that mere thought in her head, but knew that if she had the option- she'd take it all back, to swim in the bliss of her amnesia. It was just easier not to remember- it was better for everyone if things were still that way.
"I- I don't really think I need it, Heidi," she let out, noticing how extremely dry her throat was. She did however, know she needed the test, just didn't want Heidi to be there to notice the awful results, in case they were awful.
Her stepmother shook her head and closed the door behind her, guiding Claire towards the bathroom and shoving the box into her hands, "Claire, I know you're afraid, but you have to face the results. If you're pregnant, we'll work together to see what the best thing for you to do is, OK?"
Again, Claire tried to nod her head, but it was more as if she were shivering than anything else. She wasn't sure if she could face a life altering result like that, not something that could not only complicate things for her, but for Peter and the family as well. That was another thing, Peter already had problems with the Petrellis, and she couldn't imagine just how worse they would get once the awful truth was out- that is, if it was awful.
Once the door was closed, Claire considered her options. She could stay in the bathroom to a point in which Heidi would get tired and leave. She could always accidentally break the test- anything actually sounded better than facing the possibility of an illegitimate pregnancy.
The box shook in her shivering hands. She slowly pulled it open with her small fingers and took out the test, analyzing what could possibly be the doom of her.
She gazed at the result of what she said, wondering how to feel- other than complete uncertainty of everything. She'd shown Heidi, who'd squeezed her arm, and smiled softly.
"Sometimes you can't always trust at home pregnancy tests, Claire. You should go to an actual doctor, to get another test done- just in case. The results could be completely wrong, you never know."
Taking the test herself had been hard enough. She didn't want to have to face someone else about the matter. The whole subject, quite frankly, was like having the uncomfortable sex talk with her dad when she'd gotten into high school. It was like the idea of having to face Peter at the Easter Sunday family brunch- all things she obviously didn't want to do, for obvious reasons.
But, whether she liked it or not, they were all things that had to be done. She had to be brave and face them, because no one was going to do them for her- they couldn't. It's not like she had her mom to confide in anymore, or Lyle to blame for breaking something. All of a sudden, Claire became overwhelmingly aware of just how much she missed her adoptive family, even Noah.
Sure, it had been years since she had heard from them, but they were still with her, even though she knew they didn't remember her- and she had the Haitian to thank for that. Claire knew that having her mom there and being in the same situation wouldn't make much of a difference, the problem would still be the same. But she also knew that simply having her presence and her comforting words would make her feel better.
Claire nodded to Heidi to let her know that she was listening. Whether or not she'd go get a test done by a professional, she wasn't sure. Besides, the result of the test was already sinking in already.
"Do you want me to go with you?" Claire froze at the thought of Heidi tagging along with her to go witness the truth- to just be there with her.
She shook her head and swallowed, starting to feel slightly sick at the whole situation- feeling completely dirty that she was even in that predicament, all because of Peter- which nauseated her more so that she had to close her eyes, "No, it's ok."
Heidi's hand caressed her hair, "Claire, I should go. That way you have some moral support when you go."
Again, Claire shook her head and Heidi sighed, "Well then- you should take Andy at least."
"Why should I take Andy?" The blurted words sounded kind of foreign to her, not like her voice at all.
The reason for his name came then. Of course she would suggest Andy, he was the only one who could or could not have possibly gotten her into that mess, or so Heidi believed. Claire momentarily wondered what her reaction would be if she actually knew the truth. What would she say if she knew that Peter had been the martyr? Her fallen angel and retired hero that she'd held on such a high pedestal?
The idea of telling Heidi the truth was like telling Angela to her face that she was a bitch- it simply wasn't going to happen. And though the entire family knew she'd dumped Andy for some mysterious guy- it wasn't like she could use that "unknown" person as an alibi. It was either Andy or she was undoubtedly- fucked.
Claire retracted and nodded her head to her stepmother, giving her what she wanted, safety from the truth and a complete, believable lie. There was an uncomfortable knot in her throat- it seemed lately like it had permanently taken residence there.
She sighed, annoyed with her stray thoughts and permanent state of unhealthiness, "OK, I'll take Andy with me."
.....
"I'm sorry- what?" Andy asked for the second time, cocking his head to the side in an all too familiar way, so that Claire had to turn her head to get fresh air into her lungs.
The head-bending to the side had been something only Peter had been able to master and get away with. It didn't work when Andy tried to use it, and it clearly annoyed Claire. Who was he anyway to think that he could possibly pull off that look?
Whatever the case, Claire shook her head and cleared her throat, trying to mask her disturbance, "I said- You may or may not have gotten me pregnant. At least, that's the story as far as Heidi is concerned."
One of Andy's eyebrows shot up, and he crossed his arms, seemingly not amused by what Claire had said, "Well- damn. We finally had sex and I don't even remember," Andy smiled, then winked at Claire, "So- how was I?"
Claire scoffed, and lightly shoved him, falling into the seat next to him. She momentarily felt better, "I don't really want to go, Andy. I mean- I just- I wish none of this was happening. I sort of wish we were back in Odessa, and that I'd never gotten my memory back."
He studied her and frowned, "You would rather live just in contentment and false belief that you were potentially in love than actually get to experience it with Peter?" He paused and squeezed her hand, "Claire, I know that things didn't work out between you two, but you still have wonderful memories-don't you? I can personally tell you that I'm happier now. Not because you weren't a great girlfriend, you were- but I feel more at peace and honest. Like I can breathe and show who I really am, rather than just a false fabrication."
Claire rolled her eyes, "You English majors and your intoxicating, convincing speeches."
Instead of saying anything back, Andy kissed her forehead, pulling her into his chest afterwords, sensing her outbreak of tears coming. They may not have been together, but he knew her better than anybody else- even Peter.
"Maybe I'm wrong though, Claire. Maybe he's not the one for you?"
Claire shook her head, "He is. I can feel it, Andy."
She did. It was wrong, immoral, and she knew she'd never tell her family, but the love that soared inside her for him was permanent. It was something she'd never get rid of, or wanted to- no matter how many times she told herself she'd be just as happy with Andy in Odessa.
"Well if you can feel it, then he can too, Claire. I really think that maybe the solution to all of this is to simply sit down and tell him how you truly feel."
In all honesty, she had thought about that at times and had day dreamed about how their wonderful reunion would go. It was always the same; he'd apologize and confess temporary insanity, stating that he'd missed her dearly and twirl her into the air in a circle like she'd seen in movies, but Claire also knew- that it would never happen.
.....
Rose colored walls, that was what Claire was made to stare at. She wasn't really quite sure why, either. It wasn't like it made her feel at home, or gave her a reassuring feeling that everything would be ok- if anything, it made her even more nervous than she already was. And as much as she'd hoped that Andy would somehow bring her that much needed comfort, he really didn't.
In fact, he was actually beginning to scare her with all the articles and pictures of pregnant women that lay astray on the coffee table in front of them. There were pictures of pregnant woman with protruding bellies, some with babies in their arms, even some who looked just like her.
There was one article that caught her attention, with a girl her age and a title that read, 'Adoption Vs. Abortion'. Claire had to swallow to keep her nerves at ease. Would she ever be able to do that, if she were pregnant? The mere idea of even being pregnant left a bitter after taste in her mouth.
She shook her head and breathed in and out deeply to clear her cluttered thoughts.
The door opened to reveal a short girl that couldn't have been much older than herself, with a huge, bright smile plastered on her face. "Claire Bennet?"
Claire stood still, wondering if she should just pretend it wasn't her and flee. But Andy nudged her, and she stood up unwillingly, walking towards the short nurse, who led her into an equally rose-colored room.
The nurse immediately handed her a gown and scribbled something on her clip board, and handed Claire a small, plastic, see-through cup, "We're going to need a pee sample, and for you to change into this." She smiled brightly at Claire, "Go ahead and give it to me as soon as you can."
Claire nodded and walked into the small bathroom connected to the room. She started changing instantly, and sighed again when she looked over to the pee cup awkwardly.
Well, it had to be done.
.....
She looked at the awkward gynecologist chair and gulped, immediately regretting having gone to see one at all. Why had she done it anyway? The result of the home pregnancy test had been negative- which was something she could deal with. Claire had already given the nurse the pee test, and was waiting back in the room nervously, feeling as if at any moment her heart would break out of her body from so much beating.
It wasn't like she wanted children to begin with, she had decided early on that kids just weren't for her, not when she was most likely going to outlive them anyway. Who'd want to watch their children die? It was rather morbid.
Before she had a chance to think about leaving more, the doctor came in, holding the same clip board the nurse had been holding earlier and smiled at Claire, "How are you doing today, Claire?"
Other than mortified at the fact that he was going to reveal to her, possibly news that would make her pass out and wish she'd never been born- fine.
When Claire didn't say anything, the doctor smirked and chuckled, "Nervous are we?" He pointed towards the seat and she nodded, "It's ok, it isn't as bad as people make it out to be. It'll be over before you know it."
With another swallow, Claire got up on to the odd chair and closed her eyes, trying to regulate her breathing. Because at any moment he would reveal the results he held in the clipboard and her already chaotic life would complicate even more.
The doctor sat down on the swivel chair next to her, and turned on what looked to be an ultrasound machine. He paused when he turned it on, and looked back up at a nervous Claire, "The results came back positive, you're indeed pregnant. Now, if you lift up your shirt, we can take a look at that baby."
Everything paused momentarily and she felt as if all the air had been sucked from her lungs, making her unable to breathe. Everything in front of her began to go in slow motion and Claire found it nearly impossible to move. It was as if all her bones had locked and she didn't have the ability to unlock them- to move- or even inhale fresh air.
It was just too much, how was it even possible? The test she'd taken at home had said negative. How could he simply change the answer so easily into the one she feared hearing the most? To know something was growing inside of her? It was simply astounding to her how a girl could possibly be happy to know she was pregnant.
After what seemed like minutes without air, Claire finally reacted and inhaled a healthy amount of air into her lungs. Looking back at the doctor, she shakily whispered, "What?"
It was too low for him to hear as he rubbed some weird jelly on her stomach and placed something that looked like a scanner on top of her skin, moving it slowly across it.
"Right here- see that? That's your uterus", he said, pointing to the screen, "Oh- and that right there- is the embryo. I'd say by the looks of it, you're about fifteen weeks pregnant. You're almost through your first trimester."
Claire looked at the screen to see nothing but a black and white blob. It didn't look miraculous like her mother claimed seeing your baby on a screen was. There wasn't even a single wave of joy that washed through her- it was all simply- horrific. It made her feel like Sigourny Weaver from "Alien"- letting something grow inside her like that, feeding off of her and nourishing itself with her regeneration ability.
The doctor- completely oblivious to her horror, continued to explain what the picture held, where the head was, and what developments were going on. But Claire didn't listen, simply muted everything out and concentrated on the fact that wherever Peter was, she'd find him and hunt him down- to make him pay.
.....
After speaking to the nurse about basic prenatal care and 'making a check-up appointment'- almost forcibly, Claire left with Andy in a rather shocked manner. She was so zoned out and lost that he held her arm and gingerly guided her into a cab.
"Maybe this isn't as bad as you think it'll be. You weren't planned and your parents split up- weren't they?" Andy said hesitantly.
Claire slowly turned her head but didn't say anything. Sure, he was right, she hadn't been wanted either obviously, but she wasn't going to admit to that. Was the way she was feeling how Meredith felt when she had found out she was pregnant with her? Probably.
Claire didn't have a single motherly-nurturing bone in her body- and that was all thanks to her.
When Claire didn't say anything, Andy sighed, "Claire, I'm going to be there to help you, ok? We're best friends-"
"No," Her voice came sharp and edgy, "I'm going to tell Heidi the truth." She turned to face him, a stoic expression still on her face, "And I'll leave you out of it. It's time I stop using you as a scapegoat, Andy."
He blinked a few times and raised one of his eyebrows, "You're going to tell your stepmother that her brother-in-law- your uncle, got you pregnant?"
Not the uncle part. Claire knew no matter how understanding and caring Heidi was, she wouldn't be able to get her head around that. It was too much- even for her sometimes, too.
....
Beta'd By Ellie!.