Better Better Than It Sounds
Instead of exactly doing that meme that is going around, I decided to fix some of the decidedly unsnappy summaries of selected literature for Better Than It Sounds. Also, guess what they are.
1. In The Future, there's no crime, poverty, war, disease or old age, and everyone gets to have lots and lots of sex. But the Noble Savage says it's bad. Two other people, who are among the smartest people on earth, go on a quest to stop being happy.
Or: The future is perfect, but somebody isn't happy.
2. Guy kills old lady and her sister to prove his ideas. Turns out he was wrong.
3. Old man moves to England and leeches off young women while he's there. Eventually, their friends hunt him down and kill him with knives.
Or: It's like Twilight, but with less Edward.
4. Boy named after a mouse helps locals improve their drug-filled sandpit, despite unfriendly wildlife. The government disapproves.
Or: Cinnamon has become the most important resource in the universe. It also causes hallucinations.
5. A family moves from Oklahoma to California, but find that they don't like it. The narrator takes the opportunity to wax lyrical about the glory of collectivism. Every. Other. Chapter.
More accurately: After getting screwed by capitalism, a family moves from Oklahoma to California during the Great Depression to find work. They get screwed by capitalism again.
6. A stammering cripple pretends to be retarded so his family doesn't murder him. Becomes king of the world in the sequel. They later murder him.
7. Eastern European man turns into a bug.
Or: A man wakes up as a cockroach. His father later kills him with an apple.
8. Two monks try to broker a deal in the Roman Catholic Civil Wars of the fourteenth century. Instead, they get a bunch of people killed and someone kills himself by eating a book. Rocks Fall Everyone Dies.
Or: Two monks try to solve murders at a medieval monastery. After demonic possession is ruled out, a man eats a poisonous book, and ultimately it is discovered that the novel is postmodern critique of meaning.
9. A man never gets old due to his art collection.
Or: A man is poisoned by French literature. His portrait finishes him off.
10. A manipulative logician-monk, his insane, sociopathic sidkick and their shared girlfriend decide to join a holy war that none of them believe in so that they can assasinate the monk's father. Meanwhile, a sorceror and a prostitute attempt to prevent the Ancient Conspiracy from bringing about The End Of The World As We Know It.
Or: A wangsty sorcerer, a hooker with a heart of gold, and a berserk barbarian all meet up on a holy crusade led by a Nietzschean superman everyone thinks is a god. It isn't a comedy.
11. The true story of an British archaeologist who singlehandedly overthrew an empire. Was later made into an award-winning if slightly less historically accurate film.
Or: The most homoerotic philosophical account you ever will read about blowing up trains in the desert.
12. A man attempts to tell his life story but keeps getting distracted.
Or: An autobiography that ends before the author is born.
13. Two men have vaguely philosophical conversations while waiting for someone who never shows up.
Or: Nothing happens. Twice.
14. Something Orwellian happens to George Orwell in Spain.
1. In The Future, there's no crime, poverty, war, disease or old age, and everyone gets to have lots and lots of sex. But the Noble Savage says it's bad. Two other people, who are among the smartest people on earth, go on a quest to stop being happy.
Or: The future is perfect, but somebody isn't happy.
2. Guy kills old lady and her sister to prove his ideas. Turns out he was wrong.
3. Old man moves to England and leeches off young women while he's there. Eventually, their friends hunt him down and kill him with knives.
Or: It's like Twilight, but with less Edward.
4. Boy named after a mouse helps locals improve their drug-filled sandpit, despite unfriendly wildlife. The government disapproves.
Or: Cinnamon has become the most important resource in the universe. It also causes hallucinations.
5. A family moves from Oklahoma to California, but find that they don't like it. The narrator takes the opportunity to wax lyrical about the glory of collectivism. Every. Other. Chapter.
More accurately: After getting screwed by capitalism, a family moves from Oklahoma to California during the Great Depression to find work. They get screwed by capitalism again.
6. A stammering cripple pretends to be retarded so his family doesn't murder him. Becomes king of the world in the sequel. They later murder him.
7. Eastern European man turns into a bug.
Or: A man wakes up as a cockroach. His father later kills him with an apple.
8. Two monks try to broker a deal in the Roman Catholic Civil Wars of the fourteenth century. Instead, they get a bunch of people killed and someone kills himself by eating a book. Rocks Fall Everyone Dies.
Or: Two monks try to solve murders at a medieval monastery. After demonic possession is ruled out, a man eats a poisonous book, and ultimately it is discovered that the novel is postmodern critique of meaning.
9. A man never gets old due to his art collection.
Or: A man is poisoned by French literature. His portrait finishes him off.
10. A manipulative logician-monk, his insane, sociopathic sidkick and their shared girlfriend decide to join a holy war that none of them believe in so that they can assasinate the monk's father. Meanwhile, a sorceror and a prostitute attempt to prevent the Ancient Conspiracy from bringing about The End Of The World As We Know It.
Or: A wangsty sorcerer, a hooker with a heart of gold, and a berserk barbarian all meet up on a holy crusade led by a Nietzschean superman everyone thinks is a god. It isn't a comedy.
11. The true story of an British archaeologist who singlehandedly overthrew an empire. Was later made into an award-winning if slightly less historically accurate film.
Or: The most homoerotic philosophical account you ever will read about blowing up trains in the desert.
12. A man attempts to tell his life story but keeps getting distracted.
Or: An autobiography that ends before the author is born.
13. Two men have vaguely philosophical conversations while waiting for someone who never shows up.
Or: Nothing happens. Twice.
14. Something Orwellian happens to George Orwell in Spain.