I really fucked up my body for a while. I would starve and binge and mostly starve. No one ever noticed too much cause I was never rail thin. I don't think that's even possible in my family (except for the rare exception) and my body was definitely not made to be the kind of skinny I'd like to be. I eventually worked my way out of it (my body has kind of settled at this weight and that's why I am trying the gym thing) after a really shitty relationship with another eating disordered person wherein he'd encourage my behaviors and was also emotionally abusive. However, I've also been officially single since then (3 years now... but I don't even want to think of that...), so I kind of blame not having an eating disorder on that. Irrational, right? At least I recognize this...?
Well, not bigger.. but.. not rail thin. I don't like muscle and I don't like obese.. just, physically big, not overly toned, and it's okay if they have a bit of a belly. I just like people who are bigger than me. Not to say I wouldn't stray from this, but that's my main attraction. I feel like I'm going to break skinny guys (maybe that's also related to my body image, though).
It was easier when I was straight. I actually got hit on a lot by women and was sorta casually seeing this girl in Washington, and I remember not really giving a crap about how I looked to the extent that I do now. I don' t know why this happened, but I wish I could go back to feeling that way. I'm not willing to be straight for that, though. :0P
Oh, you'd be surprised. I've met a few. They're just hidden amongst the hordes of shallow, toned, fake-tanned guys.
Hah - you should totally start a fetish group for that. :)
To continue being hypocritical, though I absolutely believe it, don't worry so much. You keep commenting on how you feel like your whole abdomen is distended, but I don't see it. Not trying to minimize what you're feeling, but try not to stress. You look perfectly fine. :)
I really appreciate your replies. Its one of those really isolating issues that I can't feel common ground with anyone who hasn't 1) struggled with weight 2) live in a body/image-obsessed city 3) are both of trans experience and like dudes. Just too many intersecting issues...
And the fact that I'm nearly naked at work really makes it that much more of an issue. When I'm clothed (esp. in winter) I agree, i don't look like a particularly overweight person. Then the shirt comes off, and I'm in a mirrored room surrounded by a lot of naked super fit people, and I feel like a whale.
One way or another, something is medically weird and needs to get checked out. But thanks for your support.
Would you happen to be around on Tuesday after work? I'd be into dropping by or going out somewhere if you're free.
It's nice to have someone else who can relate on this, so absolutely I'm going to reply. :0) These are also a lot of things I generally don't bring up, so I'm very glad I know you!
I don't know how you do it honestly. I like yoga, but I can't imagine going into a room and being in so little clothing. I hate swimming, even though I love it, for similar reasons. I feel self-conscious enough fully clothed. (I like the winter because I can hide behind a sweatshirt and bulky clothes.) Major props to you for being able to do that.
Yeah, it definitely seems like something is going on there. I hope everything works out!
Well, not bigger.. but.. not rail thin. I don't like muscle and I don't like obese.. just, physically big, not overly toned, and it's okay if they have a bit of a belly. I just like people who are bigger than me. Not to say I wouldn't stray from this, but that's my main attraction. I feel like I'm going to break skinny guys (maybe that's also related to my body image, though).
It was easier when I was straight. I actually got hit on a lot by women and was sorta casually seeing this girl in Washington, and I remember not really giving a crap about how I looked to the extent that I do now. I don' t know why this happened, but I wish I could go back to feeling that way. I'm not willing to be straight for that, though. :0P
Oh, you'd be surprised. I've met a few. They're just hidden amongst the hordes of shallow, toned, fake-tanned guys.
Hah - you should totally start a fetish group for that. :)
To continue being hypocritical, though I absolutely believe it, don't worry so much. You keep commenting on how you feel like your whole abdomen is distended, but I don't see it. Not trying to minimize what you're feeling, but try not to stress. You look perfectly fine. :)
Reply
And the fact that I'm nearly naked at work really makes it that much more of an issue. When I'm clothed (esp. in winter) I agree, i don't look like a particularly overweight person. Then the shirt comes off, and I'm in a mirrored room surrounded by a lot of naked super fit people, and I feel like a whale.
One way or another, something is medically weird and needs to get checked out. But thanks for your support.
Would you happen to be around on Tuesday after work? I'd be into dropping by or going out somewhere if you're free.
Reply
I don't know how you do it honestly. I like yoga, but I can't imagine going into a room and being in so little clothing. I hate swimming, even though I love it, for similar reasons. I feel self-conscious enough fully clothed. (I like the winter because I can hide behind a sweatshirt and bulky clothes.) Major props to you for being able to do that.
Yeah, it definitely seems like something is going on there. I hope everything works out!
Tuesday works! :0) Up for whatever!
Reply
I'll bring by stack of groupons with me! hah.
Reply
Leave a comment