No conclusions. Just issues.
These two coinciding events having been taking up a lot of mental real estate recently:
1) I've never thought of myself as much of a public speaker, and somehow, my main source of income is speaking for a sustained 90 minutes in front of groups of 10-60 people, usually twice a day.
2) I have some er... body image issues. When I gain weight, I can't just be all "yay, body positive, I'm still cool". No. I want to hide. I gained 20 lbs at training (which on a small framed 5'2" person, this is drastic), and I can't seem to get rid of it. I eat under 1500 calories a day, I work out like a full time job, I walk everywhere, yet I'm kinda soft and pear-shaped.
So I'm getting used to speaking, I'm [less sucessfully] getting used to being kinda hefty, and I do both, half naked, while commanding hoards of body-imaged focused fussy New Yorkers, to whom I'm supposed to be some sort of fitness authority.
I fluctuate between thinking "how the hell did this come to be? Why did I pick this job if I have a propensity to pack on pounds for no apparent reason?" and moving towards being all "Too bad, fat yoga teacher is telling you to touch your forehead to your knee, stop looking at my flab and do it." I'm sure it helps some of the not-so-chiseled practitioners feel less intimidated, so someone may benefit, but its kinda stressing me out.
I really wish I could be less of a hypocrite about supporting size acceptance/ fat-positivity for everyone else and beating myself up mercilessly over any amount of weight gain, but its a mindset that is nearly impossible to get rid of. It also has me thinking more about queer/trans/and gay body image issues. I feel like there might be more of a place for me if I was a "bear" or a "cub". If I was big all over, I could have an identity, but who does a CL search for "small frame, flabby gut"? And would I even care about any of this crap if I was exclusively into women? Would I care if I wasn't half-naked around Manhattan gays every day? Does the size acceptance community address the needs of queer men/masculine IDed people who are often confronted with these issues as much or more than women?
And perhaps most importantly: Is gaining weight at a rate that surpasses that of most pregnant women while eating little and moving constantly a sign that I have some serious health problem? If so, is it related to long-term hormone replacement therapy?
Yikes.
1) I've never thought of myself as much of a public speaker, and somehow, my main source of income is speaking for a sustained 90 minutes in front of groups of 10-60 people, usually twice a day.
2) I have some er... body image issues. When I gain weight, I can't just be all "yay, body positive, I'm still cool". No. I want to hide. I gained 20 lbs at training (which on a small framed 5'2" person, this is drastic), and I can't seem to get rid of it. I eat under 1500 calories a day, I work out like a full time job, I walk everywhere, yet I'm kinda soft and pear-shaped.
So I'm getting used to speaking, I'm [less sucessfully] getting used to being kinda hefty, and I do both, half naked, while commanding hoards of body-imaged focused fussy New Yorkers, to whom I'm supposed to be some sort of fitness authority.
I fluctuate between thinking "how the hell did this come to be? Why did I pick this job if I have a propensity to pack on pounds for no apparent reason?" and moving towards being all "Too bad, fat yoga teacher is telling you to touch your forehead to your knee, stop looking at my flab and do it." I'm sure it helps some of the not-so-chiseled practitioners feel less intimidated, so someone may benefit, but its kinda stressing me out.
I really wish I could be less of a hypocrite about supporting size acceptance/ fat-positivity for everyone else and beating myself up mercilessly over any amount of weight gain, but its a mindset that is nearly impossible to get rid of. It also has me thinking more about queer/trans/and gay body image issues. I feel like there might be more of a place for me if I was a "bear" or a "cub". If I was big all over, I could have an identity, but who does a CL search for "small frame, flabby gut"? And would I even care about any of this crap if I was exclusively into women? Would I care if I wasn't half-naked around Manhattan gays every day? Does the size acceptance community address the needs of queer men/masculine IDed people who are often confronted with these issues as much or more than women?
And perhaps most importantly: Is gaining weight at a rate that surpasses that of most pregnant women while eating little and moving constantly a sign that I have some serious health problem? If so, is it related to long-term hormone replacement therapy?
Yikes.