shut up already.
my dad apparently spent the holidays in las vegas, far away from our family. my mom got mad and decided to stop being so frugal by taking my siblings out to eat and shop and to the movies on christmas day. no one knows who he went with or when he's coming back. great, just great. earlier this month, he drunkenly (mostly likely?) confronted my mom and questioned her about choosing between him or the kids. he also instructed that my siblings save themselves the trouble and to stop addressing him entirely.
who knows what else goes on at "home" anymore? that's as much as james could tell me when we talked christmas night. he was initially really hesitant about telling me because my mom told him specifically not to tell me...because i don't need to know, that i don't need to be bothered because i'm so far away, i chickened out and ran off. but he thinks otherwise, that i do deserve to know, and i'm grateful for him being on my side. he made this very clear in several different respects.
deran's mom and stepdad were yelling the next afternoon while trying to anchor deran's car down to the bottom of their windy and icy hill. i was stuck in the back of the truck with neil miscommunicating and shouting at a very overprotective bonnie mama-bear...
she just needs to learn to shut the hell up and let me handle this
you need to talk to us, honey...communicate, we can't read your mind
it was all so very unnecessary and traumatizing and convenient, why not? i'm learning and it's so safe to say that i know damn well by now: i can't ever get away from it. why can't you both understand that huh? it happens with every other family i've met, different characters in different settings and plots, but i swear they all fit into the same genre.
sure, we shrug it off our shoulders and chuckchuckchuckle it all out, make-believe things are fine again. try your hardest to bury, to mask, to stifle everything i know you're truly feeling.
he's scared but ready to give up and asks me for help, any advice? beats me. i really don't know what to do, if there is anything we can do at all. this undoubtedly makes me sooo angry and sad. i can't say it enough: we're all just so fucking different. their expectations are out of sync with our realities and our own ambitions so it may seem like we're being rebellious and completely disregarding what they have to say. i don't know. it's got to be extremely difficult for my dad to carry all the pressures of being the sole breadwinner for the family and to not be able to communicate or express his true thoughts and feelings with the people he loves. i can't really fathom it all. i wish i was able to talk to him, to get through his tough exterior but i think i'm too scared myself. scared of everything.
i've called my mom several times since talking to her last on christmas but she hasn't picked up or called me back. i'm starting to think she's upset with me, for not coming home this winter break and sticking with my friends instead, for not being a part of the problem or the solution. i know they still think there's something going on between deran and i, despite all my rebuttals and firm statements to the contrary. why else would you spend summer nights with him? you go out to shows and dinner with him during the semester? ooh, you're meeting his parents and spending the holidays with them? they don't think in the same way you and i do. it all makes sense to james now that i've told him the truth about me and imagine how much easier it would be if i told my parents too. doing that would also open another can of worms that i'm not sure i want to introduce to them at the moment.
i think about this randomly and it hurts and it probably shows to the people i am around. i want to give up and i'm learning to not expect so much from anyone.
shut up, no worries.
who knows what else goes on at "home" anymore? that's as much as james could tell me when we talked christmas night. he was initially really hesitant about telling me because my mom told him specifically not to tell me...because i don't need to know, that i don't need to be bothered because i'm so far away, i chickened out and ran off. but he thinks otherwise, that i do deserve to know, and i'm grateful for him being on my side. he made this very clear in several different respects.
deran's mom and stepdad were yelling the next afternoon while trying to anchor deran's car down to the bottom of their windy and icy hill. i was stuck in the back of the truck with neil miscommunicating and shouting at a very overprotective bonnie mama-bear...
she just needs to learn to shut the hell up and let me handle this
you need to talk to us, honey...communicate, we can't read your mind
it was all so very unnecessary and traumatizing and convenient, why not? i'm learning and it's so safe to say that i know damn well by now: i can't ever get away from it. why can't you both understand that huh? it happens with every other family i've met, different characters in different settings and plots, but i swear they all fit into the same genre.
sure, we shrug it off our shoulders and chuckchuckchuckle it all out, make-believe things are fine again. try your hardest to bury, to mask, to stifle everything i know you're truly feeling.
he's scared but ready to give up and asks me for help, any advice? beats me. i really don't know what to do, if there is anything we can do at all. this undoubtedly makes me sooo angry and sad. i can't say it enough: we're all just so fucking different. their expectations are out of sync with our realities and our own ambitions so it may seem like we're being rebellious and completely disregarding what they have to say. i don't know. it's got to be extremely difficult for my dad to carry all the pressures of being the sole breadwinner for the family and to not be able to communicate or express his true thoughts and feelings with the people he loves. i can't really fathom it all. i wish i was able to talk to him, to get through his tough exterior but i think i'm too scared myself. scared of everything.
i've called my mom several times since talking to her last on christmas but she hasn't picked up or called me back. i'm starting to think she's upset with me, for not coming home this winter break and sticking with my friends instead, for not being a part of the problem or the solution. i know they still think there's something going on between deran and i, despite all my rebuttals and firm statements to the contrary. why else would you spend summer nights with him? you go out to shows and dinner with him during the semester? ooh, you're meeting his parents and spending the holidays with them? they don't think in the same way you and i do. it all makes sense to james now that i've told him the truth about me and imagine how much easier it would be if i told my parents too. doing that would also open another can of worms that i'm not sure i want to introduce to them at the moment.
i think about this randomly and it hurts and it probably shows to the people i am around. i want to give up and i'm learning to not expect so much from anyone.
shut up, no worries.