each day i'm amazed
Alex is amazing. Each day i see him, the more and more i fall for him. He gives me what i need and i'm somewhat surprised by that. I'm a very needy, insecure person who freaks out at anything. The thing that's funny though, is that i feel like he knows that i shouldn't freak out, b/c i can handle anything that comes my way....he calms me down and brings me back down to reality. He tells me to stop crying...everything's okay. And i did. Today is the first day in about 7 that i've not cried. Things are still just as shitty....but it's okay. I'm done with mourning...i'm ready to suck it up, move on..and learn from my mistake. Alex is still alive, i'm still alive..and we both have long fabulous lives to lead...this is not going to stop me.
I'm getting my act back together. This experience has made me realize many things...one: I hate America. I have and will for a very long time. The fucking goverment. Fuck the system. two: If you can't do something...like drive at 4:30 in the morning...ask for help...sometimes you can't do it all by yourself...you end up screwing yourself over. three: if i want a life so badly....work for it. I've been trying to find the easy way out for all my life...somehow i think someone is just going to hand me this life that i've always wanted...no..i choose my life, i decide what happens, So stop Fucking around. It's also made me realize the importance of the real people in my life. My parents, my dad especially, Alex (my sister), and Alex. I've pushed everyone else in my life away and most of them don't want me back in their life.......i don't think that bothers me. The people who love me will stick by me, no matter how much i shit on them........it sucks to say that, but that's what that kind of love is. I would do that in return. I've been walked on by many people and i've still been there to help them out in any time of trouble..but there's a certain point when you just can't bear to be walked on anymore. I've never been so happy to see Jake. He makes me smile and it doesn't matter what mood i'm in, he'll always get a laugh out of me.
I find it so interesting how different Alex is from his friends. Both Jake and Alex have so much potential. They both are going to be something really special when they grow up...i hope, as long as they don't get sucked into that world of drugs. I don't know how to explain my situation on the whole drug issue. I do a few drugs. My main drug of choice is Marijuana. I smoke every day. The amount is different but for the majority, i smoke, what you would say, alot. I do the other drugs, opium,x,shrooms, once in a while and on very very special occasions, acid. I have not touched anything higher than that. I don't plan to. The adults of our society say that i have a drug problem. I don't think so. I'd rather be a pothead than an alcoholic, yet i feel like it's worse in everyone's eyes. anyone that has smoked pot for a consistent amount of time can tell you that it's not. It's a way of escape but you are still in reality. Escape's not the right word. It helps make life bearable. It's my antidepressant. It's better than any zoloft, prozac, celexa that you can give. Chemical imbalance my ass. I'm sad. Life sucks. Weed helps me say, yeah, so what if life sucks, things will get better and keep tugging along. I know many parents and teachers who like to relax with a nice cold beer. What's the difference if I want a bowl. that's why i hate america. I think weed is safer than alcohol...yet it's a crime...ugh. no more ranting.
Sorry for the long journal entry. When you are just sitting at work with nothing to do but sit here and type, you can go on forEVER! You all have a good friday night. I shall too.
I love YOU more.
I'm getting my act back together. This experience has made me realize many things...one: I hate America. I have and will for a very long time. The fucking goverment. Fuck the system. two: If you can't do something...like drive at 4:30 in the morning...ask for help...sometimes you can't do it all by yourself...you end up screwing yourself over. three: if i want a life so badly....work for it. I've been trying to find the easy way out for all my life...somehow i think someone is just going to hand me this life that i've always wanted...no..i choose my life, i decide what happens, So stop Fucking around. It's also made me realize the importance of the real people in my life. My parents, my dad especially, Alex (my sister), and Alex. I've pushed everyone else in my life away and most of them don't want me back in their life.......i don't think that bothers me. The people who love me will stick by me, no matter how much i shit on them........it sucks to say that, but that's what that kind of love is. I would do that in return. I've been walked on by many people and i've still been there to help them out in any time of trouble..but there's a certain point when you just can't bear to be walked on anymore. I've never been so happy to see Jake. He makes me smile and it doesn't matter what mood i'm in, he'll always get a laugh out of me.
I find it so interesting how different Alex is from his friends. Both Jake and Alex have so much potential. They both are going to be something really special when they grow up...i hope, as long as they don't get sucked into that world of drugs. I don't know how to explain my situation on the whole drug issue. I do a few drugs. My main drug of choice is Marijuana. I smoke every day. The amount is different but for the majority, i smoke, what you would say, alot. I do the other drugs, opium,x,shrooms, once in a while and on very very special occasions, acid. I have not touched anything higher than that. I don't plan to. The adults of our society say that i have a drug problem. I don't think so. I'd rather be a pothead than an alcoholic, yet i feel like it's worse in everyone's eyes. anyone that has smoked pot for a consistent amount of time can tell you that it's not. It's a way of escape but you are still in reality. Escape's not the right word. It helps make life bearable. It's my antidepressant. It's better than any zoloft, prozac, celexa that you can give. Chemical imbalance my ass. I'm sad. Life sucks. Weed helps me say, yeah, so what if life sucks, things will get better and keep tugging along. I know many parents and teachers who like to relax with a nice cold beer. What's the difference if I want a bowl. that's why i hate america. I think weed is safer than alcohol...yet it's a crime...ugh. no more ranting.
Sorry for the long journal entry. When you are just sitting at work with nothing to do but sit here and type, you can go on forEVER! You all have a good friday night. I shall too.
I love YOU more.