i smell awful
at the risk of seeming ungrateful, i'm afraid i must postpone a thank you entry to everyone for your wishes of well-being on my birthday. hopefully, by tomorrow morning i will be back on a firmer emotional ground. unfortunately, this entry will live up to the glorious stereotype of livejournal melancholia with a fiery burst of my own personal and current woes.
in the past year, i have lost both of the animals i have truly loved in my life. the first and most horrifying encounter with pet-related deaths came to me in winter and left with my dog sarah, after 16 years of unshakable companionship. i don't think i will ever see her picture clearly again, as the ability of tears to impair one's vision is unfortunately remarkable. i met the second loss tonight after a long and painful battle to save the ailing health of my pet ratface. she had been sick for some time, which i suppose makes the loss a little easier(?) After exhausting all the medicines my vet could conjure up (and by this i mean anything she had in her medicine cabinet that would a) not kill her and b) make sense with her symptoms), i decided enough was, exactly that. By this morning, my little rat could hardly move and i'm pretty sure she hadn't been able to drink water for quite some time. The smell of death or decay or something that awful lingered in her fur. Still, it is only in this moment--in both instances--when the boundaries between right and wrong are so obscured i find myself a weeping heap of directionally lost conscience.
so now, sarah rests as a plastic bag of ashes with a home unnamed, ratface has gone to make friends with hungry microbes in my backyard, and I sitting here, never feeling so alone in my life, have a headache that could take down an elephant.
in the past year, i have lost both of the animals i have truly loved in my life. the first and most horrifying encounter with pet-related deaths came to me in winter and left with my dog sarah, after 16 years of unshakable companionship. i don't think i will ever see her picture clearly again, as the ability of tears to impair one's vision is unfortunately remarkable. i met the second loss tonight after a long and painful battle to save the ailing health of my pet ratface. she had been sick for some time, which i suppose makes the loss a little easier(?) After exhausting all the medicines my vet could conjure up (and by this i mean anything she had in her medicine cabinet that would a) not kill her and b) make sense with her symptoms), i decided enough was, exactly that. By this morning, my little rat could hardly move and i'm pretty sure she hadn't been able to drink water for quite some time. The smell of death or decay or something that awful lingered in her fur. Still, it is only in this moment--in both instances--when the boundaries between right and wrong are so obscured i find myself a weeping heap of directionally lost conscience.
so now, sarah rests as a plastic bag of ashes with a home unnamed, ratface has gone to make friends with hungry microbes in my backyard, and I sitting here, never feeling so alone in my life, have a headache that could take down an elephant.