I did it
Tonight I asked Laura how she felt about getting back together. I had wanted to do this the night of her party and before but it didn't feel right... ...not right at all until tonight... on the other hand she told me tonight she is dating Jody... So maybe I'm a day late and a dollar short so to speak. I am ready to move on. I've got a dozen or more girls who have replied to my internet ad... logic and my friends tell me that this is probably the best idea... but I do my best to listen to my intuition, in the past when I've ignored it I've regretted it. The last few days and especially today I just had this feeling like I had to see her TONIGHT... Like if I didn't I'd severely regret it. Who knows what her answer will be. Neither answer will be without it's own sorrows and challenges. I mostly didn't want to ask her tonight because I was afraid that a "No" would ruin any chances of salvaging the friendship I've made with this amazing person. *sigh* It wasn't an easy choice. I gave it a lot of thought. If she does say "yes" I basically expect this will repeat itself again this winter... So the real question I kept asking myself is this: Lets say I have a crystal ball and know for a certainty beyond a shadow of a doubt that this will repeat itself this winter... should I, and would I want to, ask anyways??? The answer I discoverd was yes. I feel she is well worth my time even if (and likely) nothing would come of it. She gives me everything I want in a relationship save 100% sure commitment... but then she never said she would... my other exes seemed to be offering this only to take it away. With Laura I feel I know where I stand. I wish she would see me as she seems to see Manda, Jody, Sam, and Ryan... someone that will be there despite how bad she can be at her worst moments... but I have no way of proving this. I try, and now I'm still trying. Jody... When she told me she had gone on a date with some guy who asked her out I didn't blink an eye... but tonight she said "I went on a date with Jody, he says he's always had feelings for me..." my heart said "owwwwwwwwwwww! fuck fuck fuck!!! arrrgh, blah ick eerrrrg owwwww!!" How can I compete with a man like Jody? A man who's charm and charisma is such that despite being overweight and a smoker and a MAN I still find myself attracted to him! I immediately liked him when introduced. He has been there with her he HAS seen her worst and HAS seen all of her family issues. Damn, I want so badly to say the same. I don't just care about people when they act all lovey dovey and things are peachy... my heart, if I can get away with talking myself up here, loves people even when they just suck. I want her to see that I'm the type who will still be here despite her worst because even then she's worth my time and attention... *sigh* Obviously I want her to say yes... Will she??? That's gonna keep me up at night until I hear for sure. If she does say no I really will stay true to my word three months ago and move on. I'm not the weak person I was two or even one year ago. What do I think of the future? -that is, a future with her??? I think we'd have a wonderful summer and I'd be there there through maybe half of winter as last time and then *bam* it will happen again. I think it won't hurt quite as much 'cause I'll see it coming. (obviously I hope it doesn't go down like that) I think once more a few months would go by and once again we'd both think of getting back together... and then it would repeat again and again... *but* my hope and thinking here is that each year, each cycle we'd make it just a bit further before the winter drug her down... and just maybe finaly we'd reach a point where for once the winter wouldn't win. Years... it would take years of shit... but what is years when you're talking in terms of a lifetime? I can get someone new just as easily next year or five years from now (maybe easier as by then I'll have my surgery) as I can now. So what if, say, five years from now every thing has played out exactly as I'm predicting only there's no happey ending after all? Would I truly walk away with nothing? I don't think so. I feel like I get a certain something out of being with her. I feel like I grow quite a bit while I'm with her. I feel like she is better off for being with me... So am I an idiot? Does all this sound just too far fecthed? I don't know, and quite frankly I DON'T CARE! What are the odds one in a hundred, one in a thousand? One in a thousand chance I get a happy ending here? Crappy odds but worth the risk. What am I risking? Time? I'm young I've got time... The anticipation is killing me. If she says yes, I'm gonna feel terrible for Jody. If she says no I'll feel terrible for me... at least for a little while. Her freinds give me the impression that they think I'd be good for her... I can't help but find this encouraging... she gives me the impression that she still has at least some feelings for me... I find that encouraging... she is also VERY concerned about hurting me and how can I argue? Odds are she will. But the thing is, she won't crush me, she won't break me, I'm too strong for that. She won't hurt me anymore than I already have been. My friends aren't too happy with her but I talked with them and I know they'll welcome her back into our little circle should she and I get back together, if nothing else than for me. Talking to her tonight Ceara didn't seam adverse to the idea I might be getting back with Laura- though she thinks it's a bad idea. She also understands that Laura meant a great deal more to me than any of my other exes- including my first love Caitlin. Goddess I hope her answer is yes I can't believe I put myself out there like this, I was scared to death to speak up tonight. I KNEW I had to talk to her, my intuition all night last night and all today was screaming at me... I thought I'd talk with Manda first and get her opinion but when she flaked tonight I just HAD to try. I think it was the right choice. To get any peace of mind I had to try and know for sure. But I was sooo damn scared. I was trembling the whole night and my stomach was in knots... I wonder if she could tell? I wonder if she noticed the way my hands shook. My greatest fear was that she'd dismiss it out of hand. Tell me I was crazy and reading too much into her actions... but no, she admitted she still had feelings and now only time will tell me what those feelings are worth for her. I'm rambling in circles now, I guess I've ranted myself out. I keep praying the serentity prayer- "grant me the serentity to except the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the differance." My wisdom, such as it is, tells me that me and Laura no longer being together quite possibly is within my power to change... Tonight I worked up the courage to try... serenity is always the hardest for me. Hard to except that now their is nothing more to be done than to wait. Hard to remind myself that if she does say no :( I must follow through and move on as promised. Hard to except that a "no" means I no longer have the power to affect change I can only bow out gracefully... I really really hope she says yes, I really hope she sees it my way... but I can and will be serene... *hugs for everyone 'cause I need 'em now*