(no subject)
well i am doing better, not great, and by no means perfect or fixed or anything, but better. sleeping for a long time helped, xanax helped. but i think what helped the most is that when i did send katie 2 text messages today she answered them, and i am not saying it helped because it was like things were okay again. it helped because it was like she was the person i knew she was again. she acted like a friend by answering those. by recognizing that there are things i need to say and things i need answered still. and it made me perhaps start to understand that when it happened it did hurt her, and that she was hurt to the point that she could not be the person that i knew she was, that she had to act that way because she hurt as much as i did. so that helped, my seeing her be an adult and a friend.
i am working on an email to send that will hopefully get everything out that i need to, she said she would read it and respond, not just delete it, and so after i send that later this week we will see where things go. i am not ready for things to be as they once were. but the hope that that is possible seems more real as today she did what she could not do when it happened, and she has dealt with me and answered a question that i needed answered. i will keep you all posted. but know that i am doing better. i am still sad, i am still hurt. i am still a little angry, though less so. i am able to think about other things, though still not a whole lot. mostly i still sit in front of the tv and absently go through the channels. but i am not as miserable as i had been for the last 2 days. so that is nice. i still have a box of stuff she gave back to me sitting in the living room because i am not ready to deal with that yet. and at least the folks have been good about that and they haven't asked me to move it. they know it is there, i know it is there, we know it will be there for a little while yet.
i am working on an email to send that will hopefully get everything out that i need to, she said she would read it and respond, not just delete it, and so after i send that later this week we will see where things go. i am not ready for things to be as they once were. but the hope that that is possible seems more real as today she did what she could not do when it happened, and she has dealt with me and answered a question that i needed answered. i will keep you all posted. but know that i am doing better. i am still sad, i am still hurt. i am still a little angry, though less so. i am able to think about other things, though still not a whole lot. mostly i still sit in front of the tv and absently go through the channels. but i am not as miserable as i had been for the last 2 days. so that is nice. i still have a box of stuff she gave back to me sitting in the living room because i am not ready to deal with that yet. and at least the folks have been good about that and they haven't asked me to move it. they know it is there, i know it is there, we know it will be there for a little while yet.