part 2 of 2: Love and Life
so this is part 2 of the 4 pages that poured out of me that one random night sometime last week. i enjoy reading it so maybe a few of you can too :) the names yolanda and sally are made-up names to protect the innocent. it is entitled:
Love and Life; Que-sera Sarah
Life can and will lead you in all sorts of directions. Directions you never thought you would go in. I never thought I’d be here writing about this shit but I am. So what else can you do but embrace it. I have work tomorrow OH WELL. I still type. It is a good release. I missed a lot of things in the abovementioned paragraphs. I said that I am doing nothing with all of my potential except for my band. This is not true. I do work..and my work is like being a good Samaritan…helping others with disabilities do their jobs. I have been blessed with the ability to hone and put to good use great social skills. I thank both mom and dad for this. So my interactions with others is a good use of my “potential” as a good, contributive human being.
Anywho - as far as being honest with myself and others…I also wanted to touch upon how I have such a hard time saying no to people..this is dishonesty no matter how much I want to call it “being nice”. I am painfully nice than…so I need to start saying no more often and not feeling bad about it when I do. I am a people pleaser…but I do know that it is important to first be able to please yourself before you try to please everyone else. I am a peacemaker. I want everyone to be happy. This includes me. So that is what I should work on. My own happiness. I constantly tell people I will do something or I will be somewhere at a certain time and then I end up being really late or not there at all. This is certainly dishonesty. Sucks too cause it’s such a huge habit of mine…I think it’s going to take years to break. And I’m not trying to live out a self-fulfilling prophecy by giving myself years to try to break it. I am actually trying to be realistic for a change. I can be realistic and am. I admire it in sarah. I do miss her which is sad.. Only as of late too. I think it’s just been too long since I’ve had someone else adore me like she did. It was such a sincere adoration as it had to build from a tainted nothing - a complete lack of trust in all men. And then there was our love. I threw it all away of course in an effort to “experience more things..more people” fuck. Never really thought I would regret that decision. I guess I still don’t. I am just currently in a state of loneliness. Random hook-ups don’t do SHIT for me. Yolanda was fun but the fact that it meant nothing went against my natural ways. I subconsciously tried to develop feelings for her to justify it all. Ya I know - it’s fucked up. But I guess it’s kind of cool that I can understand it all. Sally - jesus - that was just a waste of time I guess. Thought she was gonna be a cool person to spend time with but she’s got her own issues that were totally clashing with my lifestyle. And I never truly loved her and was having a hard time developing love. I’m glad we broke up so I could start a new with someone else. And yes it’s been so long that even if that person is Sarah again I am totally open to such an idea. HELL I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY! Look at how fucking amazing she is as a person! She blew my mind this winter break when she forgave me in an act to salvage our friendship. The amount of appreciation I have for this is immeasurable. She’s a beautiful person with more drive than a hummer. She’s extremely intelligent and completely interesting! Quirky and fun. Crazy and cool. Quiet and shy, but thoughtful and caring. Our relationship was a thing of beauty and a time of innocence. I want that innocence back. Love is blind, sure, but atleast it’s love. I would give anything to have her lie by my side again. Sure it would take a lot to build it all back up but hell, I’ve got time. And compassion. A whole lot of it. I know and respect her and she knows and respects me. I think it just may make sense. I’m not selling myself on it, perhaps just fantasizing…but all I know is she is great and her role in my life - no matter how big or small - will always be important and very meaningful to me. She was such a solid part of my life. A rock so solid, a love so stable, and comforting. I haven’t had such a stable thing in my life before or since (besides family). I want it back. I truly do need it. I want someone to love me again, as much as I love myself. Thing is - I think she may have even loved me more than that. If it’s possible…she just may have done it. It was great. I loved her too. I just took her realism into my own hands (mixed with a healthy dose of curious hormones) off to explore other females. What ultimately did I find?? Nothing that compared to her. A random assortment of quasi-satisfactory hook-ups most with very little meaning. Lindsey was cool. I guess the closest thing to exciting new love-like feelings. But she is a very simple person. I love how complicated Sarah can be. Aww. How special. Yeah. Man oh man. I wonder where all these feelings will take me now :) who knows. As my mother once sang to me late at night all through my childhood: Que-sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que-sera sera. Words to live by I imagine.
Love and Life; Que-sera Sarah
Life can and will lead you in all sorts of directions. Directions you never thought you would go in. I never thought I’d be here writing about this shit but I am. So what else can you do but embrace it. I have work tomorrow OH WELL. I still type. It is a good release. I missed a lot of things in the abovementioned paragraphs. I said that I am doing nothing with all of my potential except for my band. This is not true. I do work..and my work is like being a good Samaritan…helping others with disabilities do their jobs. I have been blessed with the ability to hone and put to good use great social skills. I thank both mom and dad for this. So my interactions with others is a good use of my “potential” as a good, contributive human being.
Anywho - as far as being honest with myself and others…I also wanted to touch upon how I have such a hard time saying no to people..this is dishonesty no matter how much I want to call it “being nice”. I am painfully nice than…so I need to start saying no more often and not feeling bad about it when I do. I am a people pleaser…but I do know that it is important to first be able to please yourself before you try to please everyone else. I am a peacemaker. I want everyone to be happy. This includes me. So that is what I should work on. My own happiness. I constantly tell people I will do something or I will be somewhere at a certain time and then I end up being really late or not there at all. This is certainly dishonesty. Sucks too cause it’s such a huge habit of mine…I think it’s going to take years to break. And I’m not trying to live out a self-fulfilling prophecy by giving myself years to try to break it. I am actually trying to be realistic for a change. I can be realistic and am. I admire it in sarah. I do miss her which is sad.. Only as of late too. I think it’s just been too long since I’ve had someone else adore me like she did. It was such a sincere adoration as it had to build from a tainted nothing - a complete lack of trust in all men. And then there was our love. I threw it all away of course in an effort to “experience more things..more people” fuck. Never really thought I would regret that decision. I guess I still don’t. I am just currently in a state of loneliness. Random hook-ups don’t do SHIT for me. Yolanda was fun but the fact that it meant nothing went against my natural ways. I subconsciously tried to develop feelings for her to justify it all. Ya I know - it’s fucked up. But I guess it’s kind of cool that I can understand it all. Sally - jesus - that was just a waste of time I guess. Thought she was gonna be a cool person to spend time with but she’s got her own issues that were totally clashing with my lifestyle. And I never truly loved her and was having a hard time developing love. I’m glad we broke up so I could start a new with someone else. And yes it’s been so long that even if that person is Sarah again I am totally open to such an idea. HELL I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY! Look at how fucking amazing she is as a person! She blew my mind this winter break when she forgave me in an act to salvage our friendship. The amount of appreciation I have for this is immeasurable. She’s a beautiful person with more drive than a hummer. She’s extremely intelligent and completely interesting! Quirky and fun. Crazy and cool. Quiet and shy, but thoughtful and caring. Our relationship was a thing of beauty and a time of innocence. I want that innocence back. Love is blind, sure, but atleast it’s love. I would give anything to have her lie by my side again. Sure it would take a lot to build it all back up but hell, I’ve got time. And compassion. A whole lot of it. I know and respect her and she knows and respects me. I think it just may make sense. I’m not selling myself on it, perhaps just fantasizing…but all I know is she is great and her role in my life - no matter how big or small - will always be important and very meaningful to me. She was such a solid part of my life. A rock so solid, a love so stable, and comforting. I haven’t had such a stable thing in my life before or since (besides family). I want it back. I truly do need it. I want someone to love me again, as much as I love myself. Thing is - I think she may have even loved me more than that. If it’s possible…she just may have done it. It was great. I loved her too. I just took her realism into my own hands (mixed with a healthy dose of curious hormones) off to explore other females. What ultimately did I find?? Nothing that compared to her. A random assortment of quasi-satisfactory hook-ups most with very little meaning. Lindsey was cool. I guess the closest thing to exciting new love-like feelings. But she is a very simple person. I love how complicated Sarah can be. Aww. How special. Yeah. Man oh man. I wonder where all these feelings will take me now :) who knows. As my mother once sang to me late at night all through my childhood: Que-sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que-sera sera. Words to live by I imagine.