Just a Little Bit Lost: my not so feeble attempt at being honest
so i wrote this in order to get some stuff off my mind. twas written in Word with no original intent of putting it here. but now i shall. for keepsake. enjoy my lengthy words of what i believe to be truth.
Just a little bit lost: my not so feeble attempt at being honest
You want some honesty?
Here’s some fucking honesty
UnFUCKINGcensored too
So
I feel as though I have been blessed with good looks, a great mind, and a wonderful family…and yet happiness eludes me. WHAT THE FUCK. It’s all in how you perceive things. And over the last year or so my perception on life has gotten extremely skewed. How or in what direction I don’t know. Well I suppose I do know how but it’ll take a while to get it all down. So good looks and a smart mind…great combo for this world right?? Yes…but I don’t do SHIT with my life. Some may beg to differ but I feel useless as of late. I have grown to HATE school…I get into these vicious cycles of skipping ONE class leading to more and more skips with snowballing feelings of guilt and depression. I feel bad that I skipped for my teachers sake - my moms sake - and my own sake. I fall behind in work (which when I do do work it's great because I mastered the art of kicking ass in school long ago) and it makes me want to never go back. I lack motivation to do work, go to class, get better at music, apply to new colleges. I am so stale and numb to all of this shit. It makes me sick. My mom is a wonderful person but I can’t think of the future right now when I can hardly deal with the present. What the fuck. How did this happen. I did two musicals and it has somehow led to my demise. A regular play before that too which I suppose you could add to a list of reasons of why I failed that first education course back in spring of freshman year. God-dammit. I was never supposed to fail a class. Its not in my nature. I can succeed in any course. that’s the thing. I have all this damn potential and yet I get too overwhelmed with bullshit fine details…small stuff…that I end up doing the exact opposite of putting it to good use. I do nothing with it. Nothing is a bit extreme. I do have a great band that writes really good music and performs really good live shows…but that shit comes naturally…and thank god I can honestly say it is a passion of mine. Because if that wasn’t my passion…then what the fuck is??? Being a teacher?? Lord knows I’d be good at it. But I gotta do all this shit in college beforehand to get there. And I’m just not mentally ready for this shit. I’m too immature I guess. Not ready enough to take on the responsibility. I think betty allison was right - there should be a waiting period of 2-4 years before college starts. No one knows what they wanna be or do right out of high school!! Fuck that misconception. Jesus. Stupid american society. What else can I blame. I sure as hell don’t want to blame myself. It’s easily done I suppose but it gets you nowhere fast - so I don’t waste my time on blame. I just want the future to be better. What lies in my future? Boston. Random to say the least. Atleast it would seem random to me a year ago or more. Tim is going to Boston to go to Berklee for piano skills. Good for him. He’s living the dream because he has the dedication and mental stability. Matt wants to move out there with him - to keep the band going and to get his 22 year old ass out of his house finally. So I’m moving out there too. To keep the band alive. AND most importantly for me…I’m taking the semester off from college. That’s right mom. I SAID IT! No fucking SCHOOL for me. Oh no. not for 7 or 8 months. I need that so damn desperately. School drives me wild. It is such a huge contradiction in my life and battle and low point. I know I can do well, I’d like to…but I constantly feel like classes are a waste of my time and that I learn little, get little out of them, as most have VERY little relevance to my life…or anyones for that matter HONESTLY. Maybe I have taken too many intro courses. Maybe wsc isn’t challenging enough for me…but I’ve always hated that phrase…do I honestly want to be more challenged? NO. let’s face it - I’m lazy to begin with. Ok. So I feel a little bit better now. Honesty helps. Writing it all out helps. I havent done much reading or writing as of late and honesty….god that’s been a lost cause for a while. I have recently come to the realization that I SERIOUSLY have a problem with being honest with myself and others. Its SAD! Because I value it so much. I hold it so high. And yet I myself struggle to achieve it. I think I use the great defense mechanism of denial entirely too much. I am in denial of being in denial. Try to grasp that if you will! Fuck me. This is what I’m talking about - this is what I’m dealing with. Everyday. I leave my wonderful house to escape the realities of school work and unfilled-out college applications. Its sickening. I just want to be happy again. Is that so much to ask for.
Is it? Ok so this has rambled…which is good. it’s a stream of conciousness which is very healthy. But now to fill in some blanks. Not being honest with myself and others: I lied to myself last semester telling myself it really wasn’t a big deal..your classes suck anyway…you’ll get through it. WELL I FUCKING DIDN’T. and now I have hell to pay. Or do I? I believe I can pick up the pieces and move on wonderfully from here. but that’s probably just my eternal optimism speaking. I think I somehow managed to inherit every ounce of optimism from both my mom and my dad and very little of their realism. I live in my own made-up world where nothing really matters. Well the thing is it does. It all matters entirely too much and it scares me so I PRETEND like it doesn’t. My brain has MASTERED THE SKILL of telling itself - hey man - it’s not a big deal…look on the bright side of all of this. Well the only fucking bright side I’ve been able to cling on to as of late is the fact that I am still alive. And surrounded by a beautiful family that loves me. And I’ve got matt - he’ll always be a great person in my life. And having his talented bro is great too. All 3 of us are good people at heart. Anywho. Thank god I value life. Other wise me and so many others would have ended it long ago. I never truly consider suicide. What a shitty thing. It’s just too negative. And I’m a positive person. It just wouldn’t make sense. And fuck more contradictions. So there. At the very base of it all I refuse to consider suicide because of how negative it is. Not to mention how fucking selfish it is and how permanent. I will always stand by that quote my dad taught me - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Seriously. Well all of my problems are temporary so fuck suicide. Unless of course I do suffer from depression…a type of depression that will always stick with me. But I’d like to think that I don’t. but if I do - than maybe that is a more permanent problem.. But once again I say fuck that. I can fight that shit with the positivity and optimism that flows through me with every new breath. That’s right. Did I mention I’m a good writer? I write great essays but hate finding the time and motivation to write them. I think I could make a great lyricist someday too. Once again - it’s just a matter of putting the time in. I want to be a master on guitar too. I know I can be. Coming from mom and dad…my musical background is great. I have a great ear for melodies and eventually harmonies and I know I can write and play beautiful things…but I need to get to that point. More time and effort is needed here. During my huge hiatus from school this will be one of my main objectives. I will work and make money and make new friends. Money sucks but it is a necessary evil. I try not to waste my time being depressed over green funds. No matter how much you have it is never enough so fuck money. Friends would be nice though. All I really have is matt, tim, casey, mom and dad. And mom and dad are parents which is a different type of friendship entirely - and it has been strained because of my failure to be steady in school as of late. I hate that. I don’t want that one semester to fuck my whole life. So I say fuck that..I wont let it. Over the course of the next year there will be big changes in my life as I move on to bigger and better things and stabilize my mental state to take on the world. I can be a great person I know it. I really am, even now. I’m just a little bit lost.
But hey, isn’t that just a little bit natural?
Yeah that’s what I fucking thought.
ok so that part is out of my system. i wrote a second part entitled Life and Love: Casera Sarah. it's cool but lengthy as well so it will wait til next time. thanks for reading! feel free to comment on any and everything.
Jman
Just a little bit lost: my not so feeble attempt at being honest
You want some honesty?
Here’s some fucking honesty
UnFUCKINGcensored too
So
I feel as though I have been blessed with good looks, a great mind, and a wonderful family…and yet happiness eludes me. WHAT THE FUCK. It’s all in how you perceive things. And over the last year or so my perception on life has gotten extremely skewed. How or in what direction I don’t know. Well I suppose I do know how but it’ll take a while to get it all down. So good looks and a smart mind…great combo for this world right?? Yes…but I don’t do SHIT with my life. Some may beg to differ but I feel useless as of late. I have grown to HATE school…I get into these vicious cycles of skipping ONE class leading to more and more skips with snowballing feelings of guilt and depression. I feel bad that I skipped for my teachers sake - my moms sake - and my own sake. I fall behind in work (which when I do do work it's great because I mastered the art of kicking ass in school long ago) and it makes me want to never go back. I lack motivation to do work, go to class, get better at music, apply to new colleges. I am so stale and numb to all of this shit. It makes me sick. My mom is a wonderful person but I can’t think of the future right now when I can hardly deal with the present. What the fuck. How did this happen. I did two musicals and it has somehow led to my demise. A regular play before that too which I suppose you could add to a list of reasons of why I failed that first education course back in spring of freshman year. God-dammit. I was never supposed to fail a class. Its not in my nature. I can succeed in any course. that’s the thing. I have all this damn potential and yet I get too overwhelmed with bullshit fine details…small stuff…that I end up doing the exact opposite of putting it to good use. I do nothing with it. Nothing is a bit extreme. I do have a great band that writes really good music and performs really good live shows…but that shit comes naturally…and thank god I can honestly say it is a passion of mine. Because if that wasn’t my passion…then what the fuck is??? Being a teacher?? Lord knows I’d be good at it. But I gotta do all this shit in college beforehand to get there. And I’m just not mentally ready for this shit. I’m too immature I guess. Not ready enough to take on the responsibility. I think betty allison was right - there should be a waiting period of 2-4 years before college starts. No one knows what they wanna be or do right out of high school!! Fuck that misconception. Jesus. Stupid american society. What else can I blame. I sure as hell don’t want to blame myself. It’s easily done I suppose but it gets you nowhere fast - so I don’t waste my time on blame. I just want the future to be better. What lies in my future? Boston. Random to say the least. Atleast it would seem random to me a year ago or more. Tim is going to Boston to go to Berklee for piano skills. Good for him. He’s living the dream because he has the dedication and mental stability. Matt wants to move out there with him - to keep the band going and to get his 22 year old ass out of his house finally. So I’m moving out there too. To keep the band alive. AND most importantly for me…I’m taking the semester off from college. That’s right mom. I SAID IT! No fucking SCHOOL for me. Oh no. not for 7 or 8 months. I need that so damn desperately. School drives me wild. It is such a huge contradiction in my life and battle and low point. I know I can do well, I’d like to…but I constantly feel like classes are a waste of my time and that I learn little, get little out of them, as most have VERY little relevance to my life…or anyones for that matter HONESTLY. Maybe I have taken too many intro courses. Maybe wsc isn’t challenging enough for me…but I’ve always hated that phrase…do I honestly want to be more challenged? NO. let’s face it - I’m lazy to begin with. Ok. So I feel a little bit better now. Honesty helps. Writing it all out helps. I havent done much reading or writing as of late and honesty….god that’s been a lost cause for a while. I have recently come to the realization that I SERIOUSLY have a problem with being honest with myself and others. Its SAD! Because I value it so much. I hold it so high. And yet I myself struggle to achieve it. I think I use the great defense mechanism of denial entirely too much. I am in denial of being in denial. Try to grasp that if you will! Fuck me. This is what I’m talking about - this is what I’m dealing with. Everyday. I leave my wonderful house to escape the realities of school work and unfilled-out college applications. Its sickening. I just want to be happy again. Is that so much to ask for.
Is it? Ok so this has rambled…which is good. it’s a stream of conciousness which is very healthy. But now to fill in some blanks. Not being honest with myself and others: I lied to myself last semester telling myself it really wasn’t a big deal..your classes suck anyway…you’ll get through it. WELL I FUCKING DIDN’T. and now I have hell to pay. Or do I? I believe I can pick up the pieces and move on wonderfully from here. but that’s probably just my eternal optimism speaking. I think I somehow managed to inherit every ounce of optimism from both my mom and my dad and very little of their realism. I live in my own made-up world where nothing really matters. Well the thing is it does. It all matters entirely too much and it scares me so I PRETEND like it doesn’t. My brain has MASTERED THE SKILL of telling itself - hey man - it’s not a big deal…look on the bright side of all of this. Well the only fucking bright side I’ve been able to cling on to as of late is the fact that I am still alive. And surrounded by a beautiful family that loves me. And I’ve got matt - he’ll always be a great person in my life. And having his talented bro is great too. All 3 of us are good people at heart. Anywho. Thank god I value life. Other wise me and so many others would have ended it long ago. I never truly consider suicide. What a shitty thing. It’s just too negative. And I’m a positive person. It just wouldn’t make sense. And fuck more contradictions. So there. At the very base of it all I refuse to consider suicide because of how negative it is. Not to mention how fucking selfish it is and how permanent. I will always stand by that quote my dad taught me - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Seriously. Well all of my problems are temporary so fuck suicide. Unless of course I do suffer from depression…a type of depression that will always stick with me. But I’d like to think that I don’t. but if I do - than maybe that is a more permanent problem.. But once again I say fuck that. I can fight that shit with the positivity and optimism that flows through me with every new breath. That’s right. Did I mention I’m a good writer? I write great essays but hate finding the time and motivation to write them. I think I could make a great lyricist someday too. Once again - it’s just a matter of putting the time in. I want to be a master on guitar too. I know I can be. Coming from mom and dad…my musical background is great. I have a great ear for melodies and eventually harmonies and I know I can write and play beautiful things…but I need to get to that point. More time and effort is needed here. During my huge hiatus from school this will be one of my main objectives. I will work and make money and make new friends. Money sucks but it is a necessary evil. I try not to waste my time being depressed over green funds. No matter how much you have it is never enough so fuck money. Friends would be nice though. All I really have is matt, tim, casey, mom and dad. And mom and dad are parents which is a different type of friendship entirely - and it has been strained because of my failure to be steady in school as of late. I hate that. I don’t want that one semester to fuck my whole life. So I say fuck that..I wont let it. Over the course of the next year there will be big changes in my life as I move on to bigger and better things and stabilize my mental state to take on the world. I can be a great person I know it. I really am, even now. I’m just a little bit lost.
But hey, isn’t that just a little bit natural?
Yeah that’s what I fucking thought.
ok so that part is out of my system. i wrote a second part entitled Life and Love: Casera Sarah. it's cool but lengthy as well so it will wait til next time. thanks for reading! feel free to comment on any and everything.
Jman