(no subject)
I really wish that I could find a way to tell the people I love just really how hard it is to hear them say everyday that they love me. I just don't feel it all the time. My moods are soo up and down that I feel, once I hit rock bottom, that how could they love someone so grotesque and so inadequate to them. They all deserve better than my worthless piece of rock shit that I throw at them constantly. I felt alone all day, and it sucked cause I had to be there for my sister as much as possible, forget my own fucking problems for once jughead! She is in the fucking hospital for fuck sake, and on a holiday too! She has enough troubles as is than to be bothered with mine as well. So I put on my straight, happy face and made it through the time spent. But, deep inside, I was dying to run and cry and punch walls! I was tired of always feeling like I don't have anyone that really truely understands me. My sister does, but she has her own problems, like I said before, so I can't bother her with mine (again!!) I just don't ever know how to make people understand how hard it is to live like I do, every second of every day is spent droning myself in the last few breaths that I have, just to make others happy in keeping me alive. Sometimes I just don't feel like I can keep myself alive. It just bites so hard that people that I love and care about believes that I would be selfish to end my so called existence. They don't fucking get it is what I suggested to them, but then I just subside my own feelings of hatred and let it go. Move on from it Jess, you have gotten in enough fights as is about this so just move past it for once. This never helps though! I just want people to know (especially you Josh) that it isn't that you don't make me happy, it is just that my life and my own feelings of exhuastion and hatred towards myself are so heavily painful that I just don't know what happiness feels like to the 100 % degree like I did a long time ago, when I was a kid.