(no subject)
For the past few years, I've had recurrent dreams that I'm either pregnant, or that I have a baby. Ever since I've met Yoan, they've been even more frequent. Last night I had another one, and it was the third one in the past couple of months. Usually I can't remember my dreams but it seems as though the only ones that are truly vivid enough for me to remember them are those ones.
One time, I dreamed that my water had broke and I was in the Spanish department. Everyone was congratulating me, but no one was helping me get to the hospital, and I was being very modest about it. Then one time I dreamed that I already had a baby; a boy that was about 4 months or so. He looked like a photo I have of Yoan when he was a baby, but the one in my dream had my hair colour (light brown). People kept on telling me how cute he was, and he was such a happy baby too.
So last night, I dreamed that was pregnant again, but only like 5-6 months pregnant. So I had this belly that was sticking out, but it wasn't completely huge. And I kept on freaking out about losing the baby. I hope it's not a premonition of somesort. I can't imagine having to go through that.
A few months ago, Yoan and I had a serious discussion about what we would do in case of a possible "accident", and concluded that at this precise moment in our lives, we would not be ready for it and would most likely consider an abortion. I haven't told him yet, but the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I feel about the idea. Of course, there's always a huge gap between hypothetical and practical ideas, and one can never know for certain what they would or wouldn't do in a certain situation. But the more thought I put into it, the more I think that I would keep it. I'm not saying that everyone should do it. Perhaps if my situation was different; if I was with a person that I didn't care about, if I was 16 years old, if I didn't have an education, etc... But this would be something that would be created out of love, with a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's a very different scenario. And just the thought that this "person" would be a part of me and a part of him: how could I kill it? I don't think I could do it. Having it would imply a lot of sacrifice, but I know it would bring us a lot of joy as well. One look at its tiny little face is all it would take to know what it was the right thing to do. Yoan would get all choked up from the emotion and cry, because he's just too damn sentimental for his own good. I'd cry too, but I'm too proud, so I'd just tell him I was crying from the pain, and he'd smile and say "Okay", fully knowing I was lying.
One time, I dreamed that my water had broke and I was in the Spanish department. Everyone was congratulating me, but no one was helping me get to the hospital, and I was being very modest about it. Then one time I dreamed that I already had a baby; a boy that was about 4 months or so. He looked like a photo I have of Yoan when he was a baby, but the one in my dream had my hair colour (light brown). People kept on telling me how cute he was, and he was such a happy baby too.
So last night, I dreamed that was pregnant again, but only like 5-6 months pregnant. So I had this belly that was sticking out, but it wasn't completely huge. And I kept on freaking out about losing the baby. I hope it's not a premonition of somesort. I can't imagine having to go through that.
A few months ago, Yoan and I had a serious discussion about what we would do in case of a possible "accident", and concluded that at this precise moment in our lives, we would not be ready for it and would most likely consider an abortion. I haven't told him yet, but the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I feel about the idea. Of course, there's always a huge gap between hypothetical and practical ideas, and one can never know for certain what they would or wouldn't do in a certain situation. But the more thought I put into it, the more I think that I would keep it. I'm not saying that everyone should do it. Perhaps if my situation was different; if I was with a person that I didn't care about, if I was 16 years old, if I didn't have an education, etc... But this would be something that would be created out of love, with a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's a very different scenario. And just the thought that this "person" would be a part of me and a part of him: how could I kill it? I don't think I could do it. Having it would imply a lot of sacrifice, but I know it would bring us a lot of joy as well. One look at its tiny little face is all it would take to know what it was the right thing to do. Yoan would get all choked up from the emotion and cry, because he's just too damn sentimental for his own good. I'd cry too, but I'm too proud, so I'd just tell him I was crying from the pain, and he'd smile and say "Okay", fully knowing I was lying.