Mass Pike
it seems that whenever i put an immense amount of work into something it never works out, never pays off. so then it gets into your head "why bother?".
we had a meet at MSU today; pretty easy course, not all that challenging. everyday this week i ran over 5 miles, if not 6; i stayed on the split times devantier wanted me at. i start the race today, i ran out pretty fast, but after the 1st half mile i seemed to just keep repeating to myself "why are you doing this? you dont like races that much". there was all this negativity that kept building up, that i think just killed me. i got a PR for the season, but i did far better at this course last year. then when i walked away from the finish line i just started bursting out crying. i didnt think i cared that much. i work so hard, and i have no improvements or accomplishments to show for it.
i need to stop judging people so quickly. this year i have gotten to know and like so many people who i once wrote off as something else.
i also need to think about certain situations, and how i'd like to act on them. i hate how quickly things change. things will never be the same between a close friend and i, and thats tough to deal with. at the same time theres somethings i'd like to have change but arent changing quick enough. no happy medium.
i'm also far too afraid of getting hurt. why dont things ever work out?