live. love. die. she did all.
my grandma died tonight. i haven't cried an extensive amount. its just like "i knew it"; the eternal shock hasn't set in quite yet, right now i'm in "i can't believe it" mode. i was close to her. the closest i've ever gotten to any grand-relative. she was my mom's best friend. there is so much of her i'll cherish. so much i'll miss. so much that will have made me a different person, a better person. she wasn't a saint; she did kinda screw my mom up a bit, but none the less my mom loved her so so so much. she was only 69.
goddamn cancer. goddamn disease. if there's anything i've learned this past 8 months, its that the good truly do die young. first eugene, katherine's dad, early 60's, died of diabetes labor day weekend. now my grandma nancy, colon cancer.
we found out she had cancer probably around the time i was in 7th grade. every since then my mom talked to her on the phone at least once or twice a week. i would talk to her a few times a month.
you see i like to remember people from the way they were on the phone; i just keep replaying her laugh/ chuckle in my head. she would tell me great stories. i've found older people have the best stories, truly wise they are. we had a great load of book talks. what she was reading, what i was reading, what we got out of them, suggestions for the other. she got me more into reading then i already was, alot of times she'd send me books. she was quite intelligent; she told me once she got into UCLA, but she went to msu, and met my grandpa. she worked with mr.francias for a while, she was a teacher for some time. i was named after her mother. i remember when my mom and i were with her, i'd do something and my mom would remark or complain or something along those lines; and she would then just tell me a story of my mom as a kid. my mom as careless or as opinionated or as stubborn as i.
she was wasn't one of those overly jolly old women; just a sincere lady with this great spirit, great aura. she was so positive throughout this entire cancer experience. she was the biggest fighter, with the tiniest body. always on the positive side of things. even when my mom and 3 of her siblings went to go visit her over midwinter break; my grandma asked not for them to spend all their time with her, but to wallpaper her bathroom. it was her own way of coping. the last time i saw her was this summer, she came up to visit.
my mom this entire week (while dealing with putting her dad in the hospital and rehab for alchol), said it should be my grandpa at the end of his life, not her. its not bitter, its just the honest to god truth; he;s the alcholic. my grandma did nothing to inhibit cancer, it just happened. alcholism is a personal choice. its just not fair.
a month ago it was 6 months to live. last weekend a month. last night the doctor told her this was the last leg of her life. the priest was called in to bless her last night, she was very catholic. my mom flew down to louisiana with my aunt cal, her twin, this morning at 6:51. last night all she did was cry. i couldn't hold her anymore. i wrote my grandma a short letter last night at 2 am. my mom at least got a few hours with her before she died. 4 out of 5 of my aunts and uncles did too.
sasha pointed out something great: at least i'll always have those memories. at least i got to know her. and thats right. i just wish i had more, i just wish i had gotten closer than i had.
she is my ideal of a grandmother. not perfect, but there when you need her. a great role model. she's all i'll ever aspire to be. warm and loving, sharp and intelligent, most important- she cared, geniunely cared. i can't say that about alot of people. she was wonderful cause she was there, willing and easy to talk to. and i'll miss it all so much.
and i have great friends. gracie, sasha and jessalyn: thank-you all so much for your support tonight; even if we didn't talk long, it means so much you care. thank you.
i just hate that shes gone, not for my sake; but my family's. my aunts and my uncles need her.
1934-2004. and one lovely lady. i'll miss her dearly.