If your crazy i dont care you amaze me!
why am i so good at hiding stuff? no matter what i always bottle it up inside even when i need to scream it! had a not so good night at work tonight! i might as well have been invisible...that smile on my face hides a multitude of unhappiness but noone knows! anyway enough of that shit! lets get down to business...what i really want to talk about was how i felt...and tonight i felt nothing! ya know all time fave song by Nelly and Kelly Rowland....that one with the words "no matter what i do, all i think about is you, even when im with my boo, ya know im crazy over you"? that one...i was listening to it on my ipod tonight and i felt nothing...:s not floods of good memories...no smiles...no sweaty palms...no heart racing...no skipping a beat...and all the other songs that had the words about my life and how i felt at one time didnt mean anything...and i kept thinking was i wish i hadnt lost my virginity yet...i wish i had waited longer....for someone who would have been more than a booty call...ive drove myself crazy wondering why this happened to me...heh i remember the exact date i lost my virginity...it was 3 April 2003...that song dilemma playing...ah god that day WAS so special to me...it was all i could think about...how hed made my day by playing that song....yer that day was one of the best days of my life...its a pity noone told me, not even my mum, how one day can change your life forever...i mean back then ive had guys throw themselves and say they want to take my virginity but when i met this one guy it was him and him alone id wanted to take it and now i wish i hadnt....i should never have to feel like that but thats how i feel...i think i started having a nervous breakdown at work tonight...as well as feeling utterly ill...its like today...i was fine and then sudden tears started falling from my eyes and i couldnt stop them...i ask what am i supposed to do? like in that song it said where did i go wrong i lost a friend in the bitterness...its not bitterness...its pain...its hurt...its distress...if you could see me cry now....ive went out of my mind trying you happy...now the tears i cry arent tears for you...its tears for how you made me feel...how you made me fall in love with you...how you hated me..how you made me cry...how i wished you cared...how you made me feel used...how you broke my heart over and over and over again. i know its not over...ive been here before! ive felt this before...its kinda like that time when i heard you having sex with that girl on the phone :S so i say goodbye :)
Nell
Nell